why do i do this to myself?

no, not go on dates with guys 10 years my senior.

watch the finale of the bachelor. f*ck that travis dude.

i had to put my words to use, so here is the e-mail i sent to the one he didn't choose, the one with whom i clearly identified and thought seemed pretty awesome. god, even the fairy tale tv shows can't get it right. unless they really truly are looking for a girl next door -- not someone rare and special, but literally whatever girl happens to live next door. (sorry, a little vicarious bitterness, i'm sure it will subside by tomorrow.)

>hey moana,

i know you don't know me from adam, but i am completely shocked and flabbergasted by what i witnessed on tv tonight. sure that guy is attractive, tall, successful, charming, whatever. but he demonstrated tonight that he is incredibly manipulative and, in the end, shallow. i mean, do you really go half way across the world to meet someone you could run into at the grocery store, or do you take a chance, reach out of your safety zone, and go for something and someone truly unique and life-changing? as an interracial, smart, attractive woman, it just kills me to see this kind of thing. sure, there is a lot that must have happened behind the scenes that we didn't see, and they edit it to create a particular story, but even i feel manipulated. someone who truly deserves you would have honored your willingness to make yourself vulnerable and if he wasn't 100% into it should have respectfully sent you on your way instead of essentially tricking you right up to the end. (you looked absolutely gorgeous that final night, by the way.) i hope that the time between the taping and now has been healing for you -- i've known that feeling of heartbreak myself, being with someone who you are so certain is the one for you and it doesn't work out. i'm not far -- in san diego, so for a little humor related to dating, have a look at my blog (mysterydater.blogspot.com) and if you want to grab a drink sometime, it is on me.

hang in there, you seem to be an amazing person and i'm sure someone worthy will recognize that if he hasn't already.

-j

passionate kisses

went tonight to see Lucinda Williams. a great show. she performed her "hit," which was actually popularized by mary chapin carpenter and it reminded me how important it is to stay true to what you deserve...

"Is it too much to ask?
I want a comfortable bed that won't hurt my back
Food to fill me up
And warm clothes and all that stuff...

Shouldn't I have this,
Shouldn't I have this?
Shouldn't I have all of this, and
Passionate kisses
Passionate kisses, whoa oh oh
Passionate kisses from you..."

You said it girl. Extra special thanks to J* for accompanying me to the show.

Oh, and a small update: since I railed on eHarmony, they've sent me like 12 new matches. hmmmm. coincidence or is big brother reading my blog?? ; )

age is just a number?

so i met up with the earlybird for drinks and appetizers last night. it was an interesting, mostly positive experience. i think it helped me learn something important. in recent years, i've dated a few men who were anywhere from 5 to 12 years older than me. indeed, my first real boyfriend was 7 years older than me. i think i had my act together pretty early on, and have tended to prefer older guys more than younger guys. the fellow from last night is 10 years older than me and i think part of what drew me to him was a hope that he might be pretty settled in his life in terms of career, home, friend group, etc. i realized pretty early on that was not the case, as he's moved up and down California quite a bit, switching from industry work to education work to museum work to grad school to education again. so although he was relatively handsome and intelligent, he seemed very uncertain as to his future personally or professionally. having just put myself through 6 years of grad school and purchased my own (albeit small) home, the idea of a 42 year-old drifter is just not appealing to me. i think it was pretty clear to both of us by the end of our date that there wasn't great chemistry there, but given that San Diego is small (and North Park is even smaller) and we both work in the education field, I imagine our paths will cross again and that is definitely OK. he also commented that while he's e-mailed or chatted on the phone with various people he'd met online, that few have been as "bold" as me to suggest meeting in person. is that where things are at, that proposing to meet another human being in person is now considered "bold?" if so, i find that a bit scary.

one funny thing that happened is that a certain (very tall, very cute - and younger than me) alum from my undergrad institution who promised to send me a card on valentine's day showed up at the very establishment where my date was taking place. i excused myself for a moment to say hello to him, and he apologized for not getting in touch, claiming that he had just found the card with my info on it which he had misplaced. typically i'd be skeptical of such a story, but he sent me (and my friend whose info I had also given him, not sure which of us he had his eye on) a sweet e-mail begging forgiveness. in my somewhat beer-hazed state later that night i sent him a reply with an invitation to meet up...we shall see what he says. i guess there is such a thing as a belated valentine's day card after all.

dude...

ok, a prospective date just called me.

it is 7:30 in the morning!!!

anyone who knows me knows how HUGE of a faux pas that is. sheesh.

e-disharmony

online dating is pretty much a drag, but i must say e-harmony takes the cake. i don't know what it is, but i have found my experience with that site just depressing. they claim to have this whole compatibility thing down, but it seems like the people they send me who i find interesting don't respond to my "requests to communicate" and the few who have wanted to communicate with me don't feel right. and they let you choose race and religion, but height is not a factor. now perhaps i am height-ist, but i am a tall woman, and since i am not a waif, i tend to be attracted to guys who are about my height but usually taller to try to even out the weight differential. (some who know me may observe that i have tended to be drawn to the more slender body type, though not exclusively for sure.) and they have this feature where you can "close" a connection -- and lately before i could even check out the person they delivered to my inbox, that person has closed the connection. that's just annoying.

also, 95% of the people they have sent me have been in the greater LA region. now, that's partly my fault for specifying a pretty wide radius of acceptable distance. my point here is that the odds are starting to suggest that there aren't many guys who are compatible with me who live in SD. it could be that the guys here are too busy surfing, out at bars or getting tattoos or whatever, or maybe they don't want to spend their hard-earned cash on what may turn out to be a republican-funded quasi-Christian homophobic dating site. i don't know. they sucked me in with the big 6 month discount, so they have me for a few more months, but let me tell you, even my optimistic self is doubtful that this one will pan out.

who knows, though -- maybe they'll surprise me....

update

this was a new one.

the click was there. however, the timing is not.

ah well.

nice to have the long weekend to process, regroup, and contemplate what's next...

"my life is just an image of a rollercoaster anyway"

that quote comes from one of my favorite groups of all time, everything but the girl.

this whole dating thing is very much like a rollercoaster. yesterday ended up being a bit of a rollercoaster too -- so much for the super-optimistic v-day post! but the good thing about a rollercoaster is that you are excited and feeling good, and then you hit the low point -- yikes! but then click, click, click, you make your way back up again.

kind of like dating, especially the blind/internet variety. there is all this anticipation and excitement. then you meet the person and typically you feel a little let down, as it is hard for any mortal human to live up to the idealistic notions we often create in our heads. (nevermind those people who can't live up to their own pictures -- that's another story altogether!) i have had the experience where the person far exceeded my expectations but after a while that crashed and burned, so who the hell knows. right now there is someone on my mind that i will soon meet and i'm terrified that i won't feel that click, that spark. we have so much in common and our paths will continue to cross regardless, but i feel like i'm in the front of the car on the coaster, taking a deep breath before the exciting but very scary drop. i know i will make my way back up no matter what, but when?

stay tuned.

and as if on cue, my favorite dj on my favorite radio show (just figured out how to do those cool embedded links!) is playing "protection" by massive attack -- not an ebtg song, but sung by their lead singer, so close enough. great song. goodnight.

"black tuesday"

when i was in college, my roommates and I always called valentine's day "black (insert day of the week here)." it was our way of bonding in our mutual dislike of the ultimate Hallmark holiday.

bracing myself a bit for this day, i realize that it doesn't really feel like a big deal to me this year. sure, i am still single, sure i wouldn't mind receiving a beautiful bouquet (much like my mom, i love flowers in general), but it doesn't matter. i know that i have amazing people in my life that love me -- family, friends, even my wonderful co-workers -- and i'll see many of them tomorrow, over the weekend, in the near future. also, knowing that there will soon be another person in my life to love (this being my forthcoming nephew!) is an exciting prospect this year brings. sure, a phone call or cute e-mail from a potential suitor would be nice (actually, i have it on good authority that at least one of those will happen ; ). so i'm just going to go with the flow and wear something cute and smile a lot. why the hell not. being grumpy about valentine's day this year isn't going to change anything.

so happy tuesday, everyone. and if you are feeling miserable, don't judge yourself. it'll be over soon. -md

the pre-emptive dump

no, not that kind of dump (that's for you, bro, if you are reading! ; )

this is a different thing with which I became well-acquainted when I lived in SF. you have a first date and it goes really well, maybe a fun dinner out, a drink or two, and a leave-you-both-wanting-more goodnight kiss kind of night. and then you don't hear from that person. or like this fool from monday that i wrote about -- first date goes well, second date bombs. i was reflecting on that and it finally dawned on me -- that was a pre-emptive dump! now, of course i don't know for sure, but it has the signs.

let's face it, lots of guys are pretty intimidated by women. could be for a number of reasons -- intellect, attractiveness, height, income -- whatever. between my personal experiences and those friends have shared with me, there seems to be a phenomenon where guys will say, "she's going to figure out that i am not worthy, so i should just end this before it starts." now mind you, one would be foolish and probably cocky to assume that every bad second date or lack of follow up should be chalked up to the pre-emptive dump. however, it does happen. and i think it happened to me this week. anyone else had an experience like that? the good thing about the pre-emptive dump is that if the guy is that weak you don't want him anyway. or, put a bit differently, as mom told me and i've learned is true more than once: "if a man tells you that he's not good enough for you, believe him."

MD out.

OMG

OK, I'm sure this is illegal in some way, but I just came across this picture on an online dating site -- does this guy really think this isn't the hugest red flag EVER???? Un-freakin-believable. His profile says "I'm an easy-going, fun-loving recent divorcee..." Really? Shocking!

Dude, if you see this, I'm sorry, but you so deserve to be ridiculed. ; )

"i'm in a band"

As a lover of music, this one often gets me. I remember being in high school and having a crush on the kinda dorky but cute guy that played in the band that covered Rush. Then in college it was the dreadlocked guitar player whose (ex?) girlfriend, now wife, started stalking me. ("He told me that you guys broke up -- I think it is him you have a problem with, not me!" Yikes, that was scary.) Various crushes from a distance -- Eddie Vedder to Ben Harper to Pete Yorn. But lately I've met a few guys over 30 who advertise the fact that they are in bands and I think, that's cool, he has a day job and is in a band. Well, not so fast. One guy who I recently met was in a band and proud of it. "What kind of music do you play," I ask innocently. "Well, we are an REM cover band. Strictly the first two albums." What?!? You are in a band that self-limits to a total of like 17 songs? That struck me as odd, but not as odd as the fact that this very same individual was once a "fruitatarian." I'm not kidding.

Then on a very low-key "date" in San Francisco, I met another one of these guys with a day job and a band (and a diversified portfolio, he described in his profile). We had pretty significant overlap in our tastes in music, which I always take as a good sign. He enlightened me to the bounty of music samples available on MySpace and told me the name of his band, I should check it out. "I'm not sure how much we'll be playing in the near future, though," he warned. "The lead singer is thinking about taking a break. We've gotten some pretty crappy reviews lately." Uh-oh, that doesn't sound good. Sure enough, when I get back to San Diego and check out the band, I can't believe my ears. The total resurgence of bad 80's big hair metal, without a hint of irony. Yi-ikes! That was a little scary. He was a nice guy though. But lives in San Francisco, so whatever.

Someday my Jeff Tweedy will come....

i've got my philosophy

here is one of my commandments of dating:

always tidy up your place before you go on a date.

then if your date sucks, at least you come home to a clean house!

; )

mr. ambivalent strikes again...

ah yes, there's nothing to launch a blog than a bad date.

my goodness, I've had a few of those recently.

this was new, however.

first date = drinks at a cool place, you are cuter than i expected (even before the first drink!), great conversation, things in common, a few nice surprises (you aren't as conservative as your job might predict! you love your gay uncle!), a ride home. plans for a follow-up date made in the car. a kiss somewhere between the cheek and the lips (i could have sworn you turned your head!).

second date = monday night movie. now, being the experienced dater that i am, I knew Monday was not a great sign. but it was superbowl weekend, yadda yadda. the movie is at 7...it's 6pm and you still haven't called. 6:10. 6:15. Finally, I ring you up. "Hey." "Um, Just checking to see if you're still up for this?" "Yeah, definitely." "OK, well do you want to drive or do you want me to drive?" "Oh, well, I'm already here." YOU'RE WHAT? Nothing says this really isn't a second date than "drive yourself and I'll meet you there." OK....

so we meet at the theater. no hug, barely a glimmer of recognition. we enter the theatre, i go first. i say which movie, she says "1 or 2?" I pause for a second. "One, I guess." Sign number two this is not a date: not even a pretend attempt to pay for the tickets. Now mind you, I'm an independent woman, I make good money, I have no problem paying for things. But the total lack of gesture, coupled with the events leading up to this, are leaving me feeling kinda insulted. Whatever, at least I'm paying to see a movie I'm interested in.

Some chit-chat then the movie starts. It's about 5 times as awkward as the first date! So strange. The movie is good...a love story...all I can think is there is no happy ending in sight here! After the movie and the obligatory bathroom pit stop, he walks me to my car. "Well, give me a call if you want to hang out again sometime."

Not very f*in likely.

I heart dating.