a funny thing happened on the way into work...

i was heading into work today, a bit late (as usual -- when is that adult able-to-get-up-early gene going to kick in for me? maybe not until i have a kid and i have no other choice!) and i needed to stop for gas. after filling up, i was pulling out of the station and this man was looking at me. i looked at him, and put my hand up to wave (i'm friendly by nature). then it occurred to me -- early 40's, prius, wait, i've met this guy! so i stop and back up and put my window down. "hi," i say. "hi, how are you?" he says. we kind of look at each other for a minute. "oh yeah, you live in this neighborhood, i forgot," i say. he says, "are you on your way to work?" i nod. then, remembering what my friend e said in his comment to my last post, sometimes you just have to go for it. so i say "we should meet for coffee sometime. i really enjoyed talking with you." he says, "yeah, that would be great. i think i still have your number. but just in case why don't you give it to me again?" he takes out the cell phone, and from one car to the other i recite my digits. he reads them back to me. "yup, you got it." "great," he says. "well, have a wonderful day," i say, "bye!" and i head off to work.

the backstory here is that about 8 months ago, on the suggestion of a dear co-worker and my amazing massage therapist, i decide to join this thing...let's call it "it's just a midday meal" for fear of getting sued. (i actually refer to it as "it's just a mortgage payment" to my friends.) they promise "busy professional successful singles who want to date but just don't have time!" in my experience, save a few, it's been more like "guys who really have trouble meeting women but are willing to plunk down some cash to have a few dates!" i think i've had 8 or 9 or my 15 promised dates, and maybe one or two i've wanted to see again. well, mr. gas station today was the one i wanted to see again the most. (see rule #3 for more on this.) we had pretty much arranged the second date at the end of our first date but i never heard from him and never got his contact information. the IJAMM people never heard back from him either, which is weird, because we are expected to call in with our "feedback" after every date so they can (purportedly) gain a clearer understanding of who and what you are looking for.

so who knows if i will hear from him this time, and if i don't, i guess it's just as well. but we don't get too many second chances, and as my "matchmaker" said when i called her today to share this funny story, "who knows, things seem to happen for a reason!" the ultimate cliche, of course, but cliches do come from somewhere...

again, as always, stay tuned...

~md

the trouble with online dating

(i've been trying this theory out on a few of you lately, so forgive me if this feels redundant!)

let's start with a story.

a friend arranges a date for two of his friends. they meet. both are excited, intrigued by the other person, attracted to them. but both are a little hesitant -- does s/he think this is a date? does s/he think i'm attractive? is s/he having as much fun as i am?

after the date, one friend calls the matchmaker with praise. "you know me really well to set me up with that person, s/he was wonderful, but i'm just not sure s/he knew it was a date..."

other friend calls matchmaker. "wow, i really liked him/her, s/he was great, but i really don't think s/he was into me..."

enter matchmaking friend, who calls each of them and says, "you guys are idiots, you were both totally attracted to each other, now you take it from here!"

et voila, date #2 is arranged with much anticipation from both parties. (thanks for the anecdote, G, helped crystallize this idea that's been floating around my head for a while.)

maybe the moral of this story is clear. had these two individuals met online, who knows if they would have progressed to the second date. perhaps, both being great communicators and people who are willing to take risks, one or both would have reached out, but who knows?

but that's the thing with the internet. there's no intermediary. there's no matchmaker, no yenta. odds are those of us who are over 30 have been through at least one heartbreak, so we can be a little gun shy when it comes to making ourselves vulnerable to other people. so we often hold back a little, keeping our cards close to our respective chests. if both people do that, you can have a bit of a stalemate, and that nudge from the friend in common, the co-worker, the sibling, whoever, can be just what's needed.

and then there is the accountability piece as i've called it. when you just see someone's picture online, you don't know them or their friends or their coworkers or their siblings or whatever, then you have no sense of accountability beyond what you feel naturally toward people you don't know. it's so easy to be flaky, to blow people off, to be inconsistent, to not say thank you, whatever, because people online have no recourse. it seems to be an unwritten rule of online dating that anything goes and it's not acceptable to ask why...or at least if you do, you may not get a response.

i know people have met their beloved online, and that's great. but statistically speaking, you are still more likely to meet your mate through a friend or family member, at work, or at school. and i'm increasingly understanding why. that social glue is really important, and there's even some interesting sociological theory relevant to this (which also applies to job searching, go here if you are interested).

so i'm feeling like the lack of social glue makes online dating a total crapshoot. perhaps you'll get lucky and meet someone wonderful...either the chemistry will be obvious to you both, or one person will be willing to take a chance and let their interest be known. but when i look around my friends and the relationships they are in, looks like maybe 1 in 10 met online. the others met through a friend/colleague in common, they went to high school together, they met in their old neighborhood and the guy's brother gave just enough of a nudge to make things happen, i introduced them at a halloween party, they went to college together and ran into each other there several years later...and so on.

so if you know me, and you know someone interesting and cute and smart you think i might connect with, please feel free to let me know. in the meantime, i'll leave my profile up online, but i won't put all of my faith there.

~md

the decent date dilemma

i've learned something new this week. although bad dates can be really crappy experiences, they tell you for certain that you don't want to see the person again. great dates will no doubt leave you waiting to hear from the person again, or willing yourself to wait a day or two before you contact them.

but what do you do about a "so-so" date? an "OK" date? even a "good not great" date?

i've had two good-not-great dates in the past two weeks and they leave me feeling uncertain. each of these guys was interesting, relatively attractive, not bad to spend 1.5 hours with. but there were no sparks, no imagining of what a gentle kiss would feel like with this person, no butterflies.

does that mean I should move on, or should i give it a second date to get a clearer perspective? first dates are so loaded. the last person i dated (ugh, E) i wasn't sure about after the first date, but there was enough there to make me curious, and seven months (and lots of great sex and great conversations) later, things didn't work out with us. but i did experience that feeling of how attraction can build with someone who is not your "type" or someone you aren't turned on by right away.

i talked with my friend G about this and she gave me what I think is some good advice, as it resonated with my gut instinct. "let it lie. if they contact you, and you want to see them again, a second date won't hurt." that sounds about right to me. others may disagree.

today i put one of my new year's resolutions into action...stay tuned to Thirteen Point One if you are at all interested...

~md

parking

my wonderful co-worker (and officemate two days a week) offered some good advice, which i think she had received from her mom: "finding a mate is like looking for a parking spot. you circle around and around, but in the end, you only need one." i think she makes a good point.

the next day, i mentioned to her that i think i've been parking in the "emotionally handicapped" zone a bit too much lately. i'm going to try to stop doing that. wish me luck....

~md

um, happy new year?

so, faithful readers (all four of you... : ),

after 7 months of only getting about half of what I want from E (companionship, physical affection but no commitment/future), I finally decided to end it. for real. the saturday before christmas. (seeing his active profile on match.com looking for women aged 21-26 kinda sealed the deal!) i went two weeks without talking to him, deleted his digits from my phone, and felt really good about my decision and my ability to stick to it. (being on the east coast surely helped a bit.)

so as a "start the new year on a positive, forgiving note" (not as an opening salvo to start this thing up again), i sent a nice, brief e-mail, making a joke that the sports gods seem to be looking favorably upon our parting as both of our favored football teams have risen up and are now playoff contenders. (i'd estimate that, in total, we spent about four of the seven months we dated watching sports together.) and wishing him a happy new year of course.

so this is the reply i receive today:

J,

Our parting is for the best. You need to find who you are looking for.

And I am still very much in love with (my ex-girlfriend).

Looking back, I jumped into the dating pool far too soon after she and
I split up. And, then, I jumped back into being her friend far sooner
than I could be, just her friend.

I have some work to do on my life.

I wish you a very happy, healthy, love-filled, New Year.

When someone exudes good energy and love the way you do, love has a way
of finding you.

E

Nice sentiment at the end there...but he doesn't inform me of these feelings until after I've broken up with him after 7 months of dating???? WTF? well, just HUGE reassurance that I made the right decision, but not the reply I was expecting! and here i thought his broken engagement 6 years ago was the reason for his apparent commitment-phobia. ah well.

on to the next contestant....jeremy from minneapolis, come on down!

more soon...

~md