reflections on the journey
Well, I can't believe I'm saying this, but I think I've come to the point where my dating journey ends and the next phase of my romantic life begins. In a month and three days, I will have been with Mike for a year...and I will likely have more good news to report closer to that anniversary. :)
Looking back over the past four years of my dating life as documented in this blog, a few things stand out to me. One is that dating is hard. it's time-consuming, anxiety-producing, often frustrating, and it can be downright exhausting. Unfortunately, I think the fun-to-stress ratio tips the wrong way as you get older. And then there's the whole "opening yourself up to rejection" part, which can really wear on you. But as I am wont to say to my single friends (and often said to myself), you've gotta play to win. Sometimes you need a time out from the game, sure, but it is true.
Another thing is that people will always tell you "it'll happen when you least expect it" or some such cliched fodder about how magically not looking for what you want will make it happen. My internal (and, at times external!) reaction to that was always, "I'm single, I'm in my mid-30's, and I want to have kids. How can I not look for or think about "it?" But I have to say that I met Mike after I had taken a hiatus from dating for personal reasons and I had already begun looking at my options for becoming a single parent. So while he didn't just materialize out of thin air on my couch one day, I was at a point of thinking about what kind of life would make me happy if I didn't find a partner. Not sure if that mindset played into how things turned out or not, but I wonder.
The other indispensible resources to me were books -- specifically, "The Four Man Plan" and "If the Buddha Dated." (No, I am not receiving royalties for these plugs!) The Four Man Plan is not only hilarious (and dating definitely requires a sense of humor!) but it actually offers some practical advice that I believe helped make me open to a relationship that started slowly as opposed to only pursuing things that feel akin to "love at first sight." The Buddha Book (as I came to call it) is -- you guessed it -- a more spirtitual look at dating and its challenges. But I always found the book reassuring in that it confirmed that I was doing the right things and forced me to question my behavior when I wasn't. (There is an exercise in there about setting your bottom line and sticking to it that was helpful at times, particularly when I was making decisions that violated the agreements I had set with myself.) So, all you daters out there, you have some bedside reading now!
Honestly, I still feel a bit strange about this whole thing. So much of my identity as an adult is built around being single, so while the process of falling in love and making a commitment has been joyous, at the same time, it has required some reshaping of myself that has at times been a bit painful. Now, I'm not complaining, I'm just owning up to something that people don't often talk about (especially if they find their partners later in their adulthood). I'm also reminded of my best friend's powerful words -- she met her now-husband over 10 years ago. She said something like "it's just as random that I met R. when I did as it is that you are still single." What I think she meant was that it's all about that stroke of luck and timing that brings you the opportunity to meet that right person for you. It could have happened to me first, her first, both of us at the same time or both of us never. It just worked out to happen for each of us about a decade apart. No rhyme or reason really. I've enjoyed much of my "extra" decade of being single, and she has a beautiful 6 year old son and a house in Connecticut.
Finally, I met my love on the internet -- another proof point that online dating CAN work! (A recent study found that 1 in 4 recently wed couples met online, it's second only to being introduced my a mutual friend!)
I guess that's it for my musings. I think people are much more interested in a blog about dating than what comes after. ; ) But if I have some revelations about dating or any great stories I forgot to share, I'll be back.
Best of luck everyone and, as Jesse Jackson famously said, Keep Hope Alive!
~ jenn
Looking back over the past four years of my dating life as documented in this blog, a few things stand out to me. One is that dating is hard. it's time-consuming, anxiety-producing, often frustrating, and it can be downright exhausting. Unfortunately, I think the fun-to-stress ratio tips the wrong way as you get older. And then there's the whole "opening yourself up to rejection" part, which can really wear on you. But as I am wont to say to my single friends (and often said to myself), you've gotta play to win. Sometimes you need a time out from the game, sure, but it is true.
Another thing is that people will always tell you "it'll happen when you least expect it" or some such cliched fodder about how magically not looking for what you want will make it happen. My internal (and, at times external!) reaction to that was always, "I'm single, I'm in my mid-30's, and I want to have kids. How can I not look for or think about "it?" But I have to say that I met Mike after I had taken a hiatus from dating for personal reasons and I had already begun looking at my options for becoming a single parent. So while he didn't just materialize out of thin air on my couch one day, I was at a point of thinking about what kind of life would make me happy if I didn't find a partner. Not sure if that mindset played into how things turned out or not, but I wonder.
The other indispensible resources to me were books -- specifically, "The Four Man Plan" and "If the Buddha Dated." (No, I am not receiving royalties for these plugs!) The Four Man Plan is not only hilarious (and dating definitely requires a sense of humor!) but it actually offers some practical advice that I believe helped make me open to a relationship that started slowly as opposed to only pursuing things that feel akin to "love at first sight." The Buddha Book (as I came to call it) is -- you guessed it -- a more spirtitual look at dating and its challenges. But I always found the book reassuring in that it confirmed that I was doing the right things and forced me to question my behavior when I wasn't. (There is an exercise in there about setting your bottom line and sticking to it that was helpful at times, particularly when I was making decisions that violated the agreements I had set with myself.) So, all you daters out there, you have some bedside reading now!
Honestly, I still feel a bit strange about this whole thing. So much of my identity as an adult is built around being single, so while the process of falling in love and making a commitment has been joyous, at the same time, it has required some reshaping of myself that has at times been a bit painful. Now, I'm not complaining, I'm just owning up to something that people don't often talk about (especially if they find their partners later in their adulthood). I'm also reminded of my best friend's powerful words -- she met her now-husband over 10 years ago. She said something like "it's just as random that I met R. when I did as it is that you are still single." What I think she meant was that it's all about that stroke of luck and timing that brings you the opportunity to meet that right person for you. It could have happened to me first, her first, both of us at the same time or both of us never. It just worked out to happen for each of us about a decade apart. No rhyme or reason really. I've enjoyed much of my "extra" decade of being single, and she has a beautiful 6 year old son and a house in Connecticut.
Finally, I met my love on the internet -- another proof point that online dating CAN work! (A recent study found that 1 in 4 recently wed couples met online, it's second only to being introduced my a mutual friend!)
I guess that's it for my musings. I think people are much more interested in a blog about dating than what comes after. ; ) But if I have some revelations about dating or any great stories I forgot to share, I'll be back.
Best of luck everyone and, as Jesse Jackson famously said, Keep Hope Alive!
~ jenn
posted by j @ 2:01 PM
2 comments
