my four new favorite words (O.K., five :)

"I want to see you." As in, "I don't much care what we do on Friday night, I just want to see you. You tell me when and where and I'll be there."

How has it taken me nearly 36 years to learn that when someone really likes you and truly wants to be with you they prioritize spending time with you? Call when they say they are going to call? Make plans with you -- and actually stick to them?

I have kissed a lot of frogs and it's way to early to know if this one is actually a prince, but at least I'm catching a glimpse of what it feels like to be treated the way I deserve to be.

Stay tuned, ladies and gents...

(passive aggresive) postscript?

OK, I'll admit I sometimes do weird (unadvisable, questionable, potentially upsetting to me) things when I'm caught up in boy drama. Often triggered by sports, music, or certain sense memories (foods, smells, seasons), etc. So here is the latest:

For those of you who've been following along for a while, there was an individual back in San Diego that I had a rather unproductive relationship with. (No, not THAT unproductive one, a different one! ;) This one was hopefully the last in a too-long line of "he says he doesn't want a relationship, but I'm so great of course he'll change his mind" scenarios. [For background, go here: http://mysterydater.blogspot.com/2006_10_01_archive.html] After six somewhat tortured months together, we ended it and conveniently a few weeks later he decided to tell me he was still in love with his ex who just happened to grow up about two towns over from me in Pennsylvania.

So in a moment of weakness-slash-curiosity (not a "getting back together" kind of curiosity, more of a "I wonder where he's at and what's he's up to" kind of curiosity), I send him a note via Facebook referencing the rare instance of interleague play between our two beloved baseball teams happening over the weekend. What follows is our brief correspondence. (Note that this is an email exchange, there has not been and will not be any "friend" requesting.)

From me to him (after noticing that his profile pic is of him and a woman):
I don't know if your current lady is from Philly, but if she is, I hope she's giving you some sh*t this weekend. :) - j

From me to him again after my team blew a two-run lead in the 9th inning:
I knew the second I sent that message that I was counting my chickens before they hatched!

From him to me a couple days later:
that was a great series...my wife is the same L. from PA...and as much as she wanted her Phillies to win, she didn't want to give me hell, she said she hates to see me sad. Plus she is very sensitive and cannot take trash talk, so she wisely doesn't talk it. How are things with you?

From me to him, after processing my surprise:
Wow, congratulations on the nuptials! Can't underestimate the importance of timing. : )

Sounds like both of our lives have changed quite a bit. I moved to Chicago in July '08 and my quality of life has improved dramatically. I really love it here and the Midwest vibe seems to be really working for me. (Sometimes I describe Chicago as a bigger, cleaner, friendlier Philadelphia! : ) Lots of good food, good sports, and good people here, and it shows me that while weather is a factor in one's quality of life, it's certainly not the most important one. Hope you are feeling that way in your new locale as well.

Your name has crossed my mind a few times since I've moved here, partly because of sports-related things, as my enjoyment of watching sports definitely increased during the time we spent together, but also because I've recently met someone who I think might be pretty great but toward whom I didn't feel an overwhelming sense of attraction right away. I appreciate that through my experience with you I learned how chemistry can grow pretty intensely with someone as you get to know them better and spend more time with them. Then of course there is the timing piece, but I think this guy is in a place where he is ready for a relationship (been divorced for about 4 years, no kids yet, pretty well situated career and home-wise, not appearing to still be in love with an ex). So we shall see...

Be well and happy. I stand by my assertion that you would be a great father so if that is part of your plan together, I wish you guys all the best.

-------
I think we're both guilty of some not-too-subtle passive aggression in this particular exchange, but hey, I never said I was perfect. ; ) But it is absolutely true that with him I learned that chemistry and attraction are not just about what you feel in the first thirty seconds of being with someone and for that lesson I am grateful.

~md

the new math

Interesting turn of events this weekend...

For the second Friday in a row, K. cancelled our plans less than 24 hours in advance only after I reached out to him to find out what was going on! Aaarrrgghhh. Very frustrating. The worst part was that after he bailed (ostensibly due to an injured back) he proposed we get together Saturday and then never called!! There is a small part of me that's worried about him (that naive part of me that gives people the benefit of the doubt when they don't deserve it) but I think he just knows that his second chance is over and he doesn't want to man up and actually face it. I've been given a few different pieces of advice from friends who care about me and they basically reached consensus: I deserve better than this.

It took me a little longer to reach that conclusion myself, but I think I finally have. Perhaps part of the reason he re-entered my life was to show me how I shouldn't be treated, which is in stark contrast to how my other current suitor is treating me.

M. calls. He makes plans. He emails. He is happy to see me. He's communicative. He's smart, funny and very into music and sports (I really appreciate that he's both intelligent and into sports : ). I haven't been feeling the physical connection as strongly with him, but we finally smooched this weekend so that helped to build up the romantic vibe.

After the smooch date, I came home and had a little conversation with myself. About what is important. About what really matters. About what I really want in a relationship and how I deserve to be treated. About priorities. About surface characteristics versus what's inside. I even consulted my 4 man plan book for some advice Cindy Lu style and read what I needed to hear: the most important characteristics in a partner are that he's loving, willing, and honest. Chemistry shmemistry, she says: "I'm not saying chemistry isn't a wonderful thing and ultimately necessary between two lovers. But what isn't common knowledge is that chemistry is not necessarily immediate or continuous...The guys we find instantly attractive are often the worst possible choice for a girl who wants to move away from a life fraught with anxiety, drama, and pain."

So to the title of the blog. If the old math was "he's cute, I get nervous and fluttery around him, there's some part of him that's distant that I want to try to connect with, knowing it's going to be a challenge," the new math is more like "I enjoy seeing him, he is respectful of me and my time, he follows through, I feel calm but happy when I'm with him."

So we shall see, of course it's super early with M. and there are lots of questions left to answer, but so far things seem to be progressing at a slow but steady pace that feels right. Stay tuned...

BLOG overdue...

I know, dear readers, it has been for-evah!!

The emotional aftermath of the demise of my last attempt at a relationship (details here) was a bit more intense and protracted than I would have imagined, which led to a definite break in my dating (and thus blogging) life, but I'm baaaackkk!  

Here's all the news that's (kind of) fit to print:

• Since March, I've had two dates with Hurricane Kyle with our third date scheduled for Friday.  In very reality-show like fashion he has reemerged, asking me "not to give up on him."  I don't know, he kind of gave up on me a month into our first attempt at dating, so he still has quite a bit of 'splaining to do, but I must say I do get all fluttery and weak in the knees when I spend time with him.  So smart, so cute, so funny... (Actually, I have two married friends who know him and they are both all "he's so HOT!" whenever I mention him...but that's not the driver here, I didn't even reply to his first note to me via Match.com!)  I'm well aware of the whole "fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me" potential of this but I've also learned (from AH) that couples who get back together after a break-up due to timing issues have a high likelihood of working out.  Stay tuned.
• I have had a few dates with a public defense attorney, M., 43, He's also smart and funny but I'm not sure the elusive "chemistry" is there.  I think I might have to make the case for a friendship -- I totally enjoy hanging out with him and we have similar taste in music and share an enjoyment of going to live shows...we'll see what he says.  (I was joking to my friends that after 4 dates I've only given him a peck on the lips, I wonder if he thinks I'm a bit frigid...hahahhahaha! Read on! : )  He did take me to see Flight of the Conchords, which makes some of my friends feel as though I should marry him immediately! : )
• I don't want to get too much into this one, but let's just say that when my friend AH is out of town I tend to make BAD decisions.  And with this particular bad decision, I think I discovered the terrible hookup trifecta:  bad kisser, woefully inadequate equipment, ridiculously early firing of said equipment.  (So sorry if you are reading this, Jul.)  And let's just say said landmine was dropped way too close to my house, thus inadvertently giving this individual the idea that "stopping by" was acceptable behavior, which he did at about 11:30 pm (on a WEEKNIGHT!) while my MOM was visiting!!!!  ("Who's that at the door, honey?"  AAAARRRGGGHHH!)  Ah well.  More fodder for the blog I suppose.  But I'm definitely too old for that sh*t.

I guess those are the headlines for now.  Spring has come to Chicago and the attendant re-awakening of hormones, revealing of arms and legs without the risk of frostbite, and outdoor EVERYTHING (sports, eating, festivals, concerts) should make for interesting times around here...

xxoo ~md