aarrgggghhhh

i just wrote this long, beautiful post about fate and faith and the tide is high by blondie and i lost it due to wireless network difficulties at oakland airport. aaaarrgggghhh. you'll have to ask me for the story if you are interested....

no news is...news

well, i have definitely been feeling better since I sent the e-mail message posted a few days ago. was good to put all of that out there. thanks to my BF (eastern division) for helping be think that through (and for being awesomely supportive in general).

the fact that i haven't heard back from him tells me all i needed to know.

moving on...

-j.

catharsis? we'll see

i'm having some trouble shaking this one off. and then on top of that I'm getting frustrated at myself for that. fun. i don't expect a response, but i thought i'd at least put something out there in the hopes that doing so might help me move toward resolution on this annoyingly confusing (and ultimately meaningless) situation.

Date: Wed, 19 Apr 2006 14:15:28 -0700 (PDT)
From: J
To: R
Subject: last one, i promise

hey rob --

just trying to make sense of this. perhaps:

a) you met someone else that you are interested in pursuing
b) you don't feel that there was chemistry/potential between us
c) you have too much going on in your life
d) you are deathly ill
e) other...

i know it isn't a big deal in the grand scheme of things -- we only met twice. i certainly hope i'm not coming across as needy or stalker-ish. i'm just trying to close the book on this one and it is hard to do with no information. if you put yourself in my position, you have to admit it is a bit confusing. what would have happened if I had answered the phone when you called on friday? would things have turned out differently? there seemed to be enough interest to sustain our communication over the weeks that i was away, so it is hard to imagine why it dropped off so suddenly. of course you don't owe me anything, but i just thought i'd try one last time to get some info from you. please know that my ego is not so fragile that i can't handle rejection -- and also that i know that for the right person i'm a pretty good catch. i supoose that just wasn't the case here.

anyway, i did enjoy meeting you and hanging out with you and i wish you all the best in life, love, fatherhood, marathon running, and all things related to [your line of work].

-j

we need a new resolution

(random song title -- you can find the song here, it is awesome)

today is easter sunday. not coming from a particularly religious family, we use this as a day to gather, eat, laugh with and enjoy each other. (and of course watch-slash-wager on whatever sports are aired today...)

but for some reason, in my current predicament, i thought about the j-man that supposedly riz today or sometime this season, and then in more of a south park (cartoon) than religious reference, thought about "wwjd?" since i'm in the headspace of trying to figure out why people do what they do....which led me to coin a new phrase in the same vein: "wwyms?" which stands for "what would your mom say?" in this case, referring to people who treat other people crappily and feel no accountability about doing so. i mean, if your mom knew you were blowing people off and not giving them the benefit of an explanation, what would she say? i know mine, and i suspect the person in question's, would say exactly this: i did not raise you to treat people that way. so if you are agnostic/atheist/whatever but still maintain a moral compass (and you like and respect your parental units), that might be a helpful lens through which to think about how you treat people. just an idea.

me, i'm glad i've held onto my ani difranco cd's after all these years because they are serving me well at the moment.

and a few more reasons why yahoo personals is lame

some more headlines for you since the first round was so popular!

(again, these are real, not made up by me -- i couldn't dream these up)

Big popa looking for nice Moma

If not you, then perhaps your friend?

Executive looking for some special girl

let me get uhh... uhhh.....uhhh....dam!

Taste My Mind (get 2no heart/mind)

Nice, cute, friendly guy seeks same girl

Wow, I have some seriously Blue Eyes

I'm Looking for My One Life Stand

apologies if there are any repeats from the last time i posted these!

-md

jinx! buy me a coke

god dammit.

riddle me this, batman. he calls tuesday, i call wednesday, he calls thursday, date is set for friday. date around 8:30 on friday evening. cool.

i decide to attend a work-charity-fun thing starting at 7, thinking I can leave by 8 or 8:15. he calls just before eight, i miss the call but call back in about 10 minutes. voicemail. no call back. i call again at 9:30. voicemail. i don't leave a message. my friends text me that they are out at a bar which happens to be in this fellow's neighborhood. i call at 10p to say that's where i'm going. no answer or call back.

WTF???????????

was i stood up? did he fall asleep? did he go out on a date with someone else? should i even care? all i know is that i'm bummed and disappointed and i feel foolish for sharing my perceived good fortune (i have a third date with a cute guy tonight! : ) with a few friends and colleagues.

damn damn damn. dating sucks. i often feel like i'm repenting for the sins of some HORRIBLE person i must have been in a previous life. because the me in this life surely doesn't deserve all this. perhaps he'll call tomorrow with a rationale that will make it all better. but my thing is, if your free nights are limited (the person in question has a child), you don't just fall asleep or forget or whatever. the hit of adrenaline you get when you are excited to see someone sustains you. maybe i'm just looking at it from the 30-something single female with no kids perspective, but it still seems odd.

i'll keep you posted...but in the meantime, take it easy on me. i may not want to talk about it.

sing it, axl

i keep thinking about patience (no, not the G&R song, though that is good too). i keep thinking, "i need more of it." but then i think, i can be very patient with people (friends, family, boys) once i'm IN the relationship...it's this being patient when things are uncertain and/or undefined that i have so much trouble with. i also find it is much harder to blog about something that i feel could maybe have potential versus things that go horribly wrong. : )

so, for now, no news is actually good news. and oh, by the way, he called.

phone baggage, part II

i HATE waiting for the phone to ring. i mean, i'm not waiting, i'm cleaning, packing (going away again for a few days -- a conference this time), errand-running, listening to music, etc. but if you say you want to get together before i leave town again, follow through. if you are busy, call or e-mail. i know i obsess about this stuff but what can i say, it sends my frustration-ometer through the roof. maybe it is one of those "do unto others" type things, i try to be good about calling when i say i'm going to so others should be too (though i'm not so naive as to really believe the world operates under the golden rule). lately, i actually haven't been as great about the timely return phone calls to a few folks so maybe this is karmic payback. i think i'm going to go make a few calls right now. ; )