the trouble with online dating

(i've been trying this theory out on a few of you lately, so forgive me if this feels redundant!)

let's start with a story.

a friend arranges a date for two of his friends. they meet. both are excited, intrigued by the other person, attracted to them. but both are a little hesitant -- does s/he think this is a date? does s/he think i'm attractive? is s/he having as much fun as i am?

after the date, one friend calls the matchmaker with praise. "you know me really well to set me up with that person, s/he was wonderful, but i'm just not sure s/he knew it was a date..."

other friend calls matchmaker. "wow, i really liked him/her, s/he was great, but i really don't think s/he was into me..."

enter matchmaking friend, who calls each of them and says, "you guys are idiots, you were both totally attracted to each other, now you take it from here!"

et voila, date #2 is arranged with much anticipation from both parties. (thanks for the anecdote, G, helped crystallize this idea that's been floating around my head for a while.)

maybe the moral of this story is clear. had these two individuals met online, who knows if they would have progressed to the second date. perhaps, both being great communicators and people who are willing to take risks, one or both would have reached out, but who knows?

but that's the thing with the internet. there's no intermediary. there's no matchmaker, no yenta. odds are those of us who are over 30 have been through at least one heartbreak, so we can be a little gun shy when it comes to making ourselves vulnerable to other people. so we often hold back a little, keeping our cards close to our respective chests. if both people do that, you can have a bit of a stalemate, and that nudge from the friend in common, the co-worker, the sibling, whoever, can be just what's needed.

and then there is the accountability piece as i've called it. when you just see someone's picture online, you don't know them or their friends or their coworkers or their siblings or whatever, then you have no sense of accountability beyond what you feel naturally toward people you don't know. it's so easy to be flaky, to blow people off, to be inconsistent, to not say thank you, whatever, because people online have no recourse. it seems to be an unwritten rule of online dating that anything goes and it's not acceptable to ask why...or at least if you do, you may not get a response.

i know people have met their beloved online, and that's great. but statistically speaking, you are still more likely to meet your mate through a friend or family member, at work, or at school. and i'm increasingly understanding why. that social glue is really important, and there's even some interesting sociological theory relevant to this (which also applies to job searching, go here if you are interested).

so i'm feeling like the lack of social glue makes online dating a total crapshoot. perhaps you'll get lucky and meet someone wonderful...either the chemistry will be obvious to you both, or one person will be willing to take a chance and let their interest be known. but when i look around my friends and the relationships they are in, looks like maybe 1 in 10 met online. the others met through a friend/colleague in common, they went to high school together, they met in their old neighborhood and the guy's brother gave just enough of a nudge to make things happen, i introduced them at a halloween party, they went to college together and ran into each other there several years later...and so on.

so if you know me, and you know someone interesting and cute and smart you think i might connect with, please feel free to let me know. in the meantime, i'll leave my profile up online, but i won't put all of my faith there.

~md