the healing power of music

The iPod chose this song for me on my drive back from LA this evening...thank you iPod...

Sometimes I feel like I can’t even sing (say, say, the light)
I’m very scared for this world
I’m very scared for me
Eviscerate your memory
Here’s a scene
You’re in the back seat laying down
The windows wrap around
To sound of the travel and the engine
All you hear is time stand still in travel
and feel such peace and absolute
The stillness still that doesn’t end
But slowly drifts into sleep
The stars are the greatest thing you’ve ever seen
And they’re there for you
For you alone you are the everything

I think about this world a lot and I cry
And I’ve seen the films and the eyes
But I’m in this kitchen
Everything is beautiful
And she is so beautiful
She is so young and old
I look at her and I see the beauty
Of the light of music
The voices talking somewhere in the house
Late spring and you’re drifting off to sleep
With your teeth in your mouth
You are here with me
You are here with me
You have been here and you are everything

huh?

OK. So on Thursday I met a fellow I've been corresponding with...on myspace of all places...he found me, and was surprisingly cute and not creepy. (That's a first for me on that site -- I don't really see it as a dating venue as much as a way to keep up with a few distant friends, bands and comedians.) We talked for about an hour and a half, surprisingly comfortably, like we'd known each other for a while already. (Similar backgrounds culturally and educationally probably added to that sense of familiarity.) I found him attractive in person, though I wouldn't characterize it as sparks flying. But as far as first dates go, it was really quite enjoyable and left me definitely interested in getting to know this fellow more. Turned out he had to return a camera (he's a filmmaker on the side) to someone later the night we met, so he needed to go. We walked outside, he gave me a hug, said "this was fun, we should do it again sometime," asked where my car was, I reminded him I'd walked to the venue. He said, ok, well I'm this way, talk to you soon. Important note here: it was raining, i.e., I needed an umbrella raining. I said OK and walked away. Seemed odd and perhaps a sign of bad manners that he didn't offer to drop me off given that it was raining, but maybe that could be forgiven. Weirder though was the really good-feeling date and then the abrupt ending. Feeling confused, i sent a short e-mail the next day, his reply follows:


From: J
To: Z

was that a date?

either way, i enjoyed meeting you,

j
---------------------
From: Z
To: J


No, it was a date, though usually you've met and have some sense of the person's 'way' or personality beforehand. Not a blind date, not a typical one (partially-sighted date?).

Great to meet you, too. It's good to get out there and meet new people.

Z


Huh? I'm more than happy to chalk this up to "he's just not that into you," and maybe I should be relieved because the last thing I need is someone who might have not great manners. But I'm still confused. It was "great" to meet you, but the value lies in "getting out there and meeting new people?" Whatever, I'm willing to just let this one go, I guess it's just frustrating because I felt we really connected in our conversation and had some significant things in common that, given my experiences, can be a good thing over time. Who knows.

In other news, I got a call from "It's Just a Midday Meal." They had a new match for me, he sounded pretty great ("on paper" anyway), they found a time we were both free, picked a time and location, all set. The next day they call me back to say the date is cancelled, they are going to try to find someone else to set me up with, this guy has decided to put his membership on hold because he's found someone he's interested in. That's all well and good, and of course has nothing to do with me, but it's a little perplexing to me that he figured that out within 12 hours of setting up our date. Weird.

Someday my luck will change, I know it. But if I ever find the person whose past life sins I'm repenting for, we are going to have words.

; ) ~md

my funny valentine

i've been so busy at work this week that i haven't had much time to think about 2/14. which is a good thing.

but on my way into work today, i passed by a former flame in my car. (well, "flame" may be a bit overstated in this case...we were more like friends who kissed each other.) i honked the horn and he kind of half turned and i wasn't sure if he knew it was me. so i called him, in part to let him know it was me and in part to razz him a bit for not returning my calls or text messages. (i'm not trying to rekindle things -- there goes the fire reference again! -- but we've been threatening to meet for sushi for a few weeks and haven't made it happen yet.) he answered, laughing, saying he figured out it was me, and asked me how i was doing. i said i would be doing better after today was over, and he said he felt the same way. then he told me that he was telling his best friend that he wanted to call me to meet for sushi but was afraid to call me this week because of this so-called "holiday." he didn't want me to think he was trying to capitalize on it or something like that. "i told him i'd call you next week, just to be safe," he said. it's hard for me to capture why and how that was so funny in words, but basically he was sharing that guys are terrified of valentine's day, whether single or not. i've noticed that three potential online date connections have gone cold on me this week and i was starting to feel a bit paranoid. but maybe it's just that they are going to wait until this day (or even week) passes so no one gets confused. somehow it was reassuring to understand that this day freaks guys out too, though perhaps in a different way than i feel. ah, the psychology of dating, endlessly fascinating.

eat some chocolate for me today, peeps. xo, md

really?

this gem of a message appeared in my match.com inbox today...

Good day. I was cleaning out my inbox and got a pleasant surprise. My assistant sent your profile. Great little smile.

-J

does this strike anyone else as obnoxious and/or condescending?

~md

just get me to next thursday

no long rants about the upcoming hallmark holiday.

but between all the unsolicited e-mails advertising gifts and flowers and the incessant jewelry advertisements on the radio, let's just say i'll be happy when 2/15 rolls around.

~md

(p.s., if anyone comments something to the effect of "just be happy with who you are" prepare for my wrath. ; )

is this a c-o-n spiracy?

(points to anyone who knows what movie that title line is from...)

well, i wish i had more to report.

never heard from the gas station guy referenced in my last post.

and here's a sample of my experiences on match thus far:
1) first guy i e-mail with: sends me his number in response to my message (unsolicited), i call him once and leave a nice message, he never calls me back. now his profile is hidden.
2) another guy i e-mail with, interested in what kind of movies i like and the work i do, proposes a coffee date, asks me what days would work for me, i send him a few possible days, never hear back from him. now his profile is hidden.
3) most recently, i wink at a guy, he writes back that he'd rather talk than e-mail, sends me his number, a little phone tag and then we finally talk, have a great conversation (i've actually met his high school math teacher in the course of my grad school research, who apparently was a bad teacher when this fellow was in high school and i confirm that 20 years later he still is pretty lousy at his chosen profession, lots of laughter ensues), he says he wants to meet up when he gets back from being away over the weekend and says he'll call when he returns. that was over a week ago, haven't heard from him.

and, for me, the piece de resistance, i have an e-mail flirtation/music exchange with a nice, single, smart, tall, cute, 36 year old funny gentleman in the same line of work as me...he comes to where i work with a big group of visitors, i'm feeling a bit of a flirty vibe from him...but in the end, there is really nothing there. i'm kinda bummed about that, though the experience reminded me how important it is to keep my expectations in check. that one seemed like it might have had potential, but ah well.

i know i don't have a ton of patience, but it's hard sometimes when i feel like other folks are successfully pursuing relationships and starting families and i feel like i'm being left behind. i try to keep those feelings in check and remember all the wonderful things in my life. but sometimes it's hard, that's all. but i'm trying to find new things to do that i enjoy (hopefully this will be one of them) and we shall see what the universe has in store for me.

in the meantime, if anyone has a theory about the match-dot-com-spiracy i seem to be experiencing, feel free to share.

~md