An Olympic hand-off

With a baby on the way and over a year of marriage under her sweet budding belly, MD#1 aka "J" has on this 13th day of the 2012 Olympic games passed the dating blog baton on to me, MD#2 aka "BotsBarbie."

I'm grateful to have been entrusted with this next leg of the MysteryDater blog and am going to keep running till I get my gold. There'll be no bronze or silver for this philly. Getting the gold or just being a damn resilient, smooth-running, forever-striving, dating, laughing, living machine are my only options.

Please, wish me luck. And excuse me while I go lace up and finish my stretches.

On-on!

reflections on the journey

Well, I can't believe I'm saying this, but I think I've come to the point where my dating journey ends and the next phase of my romantic life begins. In a month and three days, I will have been with Mike for a year...and I will likely have more good news to report closer to that anniversary. :)

Looking back over the past four years of my dating life as documented in this blog, a few things stand out to me. One is that dating is hard. it's time-consuming, anxiety-producing, often frustrating, and it can be downright exhausting. Unfortunately, I think the fun-to-stress ratio tips the wrong way as you get older. And then there's the whole "opening yourself up to rejection" part, which can really wear on you. But as I am wont to say to my single friends (and often said to myself), you've gotta play to win. Sometimes you need a time out from the game, sure, but it is true.

Another thing is that people will always tell you "it'll happen when you least expect it" or some such cliched fodder about how magically not looking for what you want will make it happen. My internal (and, at times external!) reaction to that was always, "I'm single, I'm in my mid-30's, and I want to have kids. How can I not look for or think about "it?" But I have to say that I met Mike after I had taken a hiatus from dating for personal reasons and I had already begun looking at my options for becoming a single parent. So while he didn't just materialize out of thin air on my couch one day, I was at a point of thinking about what kind of life would make me happy if I didn't find a partner. Not sure if that mindset played into how things turned out or not, but I wonder.

The other indispensible resources to me were books -- specifically, "The Four Man Plan" and "If the Buddha Dated." (No, I am not receiving royalties for these plugs!) The Four Man Plan is not only hilarious (and dating definitely requires a sense of humor!) but it actually offers some practical advice that I believe helped make me open to a relationship that started slowly as opposed to only pursuing things that feel akin to "love at first sight." The Buddha Book (as I came to call it) is -- you guessed it -- a more spirtitual look at dating and its challenges. But I always found the book reassuring in that it confirmed that I was doing the right things and forced me to question my behavior when I wasn't. (There is an exercise in there about setting your bottom line and sticking to it that was helpful at times, particularly when I was making decisions that violated the agreements I had set with myself.) So, all you daters out there, you have some bedside reading now!

Honestly, I still feel a bit strange about this whole thing. So much of my identity as an adult is built around being single, so while the process of falling in love and making a commitment has been joyous, at the same time, it has required some reshaping of myself that has at times been a bit painful. Now, I'm not complaining, I'm just owning up to something that people don't often talk about (especially if they find their partners later in their adulthood). I'm also reminded of my best friend's powerful words -- she met her now-husband over 10 years ago. She said something like "it's just as random that I met R. when I did as it is that you are still single." What I think she meant was that it's all about that stroke of luck and timing that brings you the opportunity to meet that right person for you. It could have happened to me first, her first, both of us at the same time or both of us never. It just worked out to happen for each of us about a decade apart. No rhyme or reason really. I've enjoyed much of my "extra" decade of being single, and she has a beautiful 6 year old son and a house in Connecticut.

Finally, I met my love on the internet -- another proof point that online dating CAN work! (A recent study found that 1 in 4 recently wed couples met online, it's second only to being introduced my a mutual friend!)

I guess that's it for my musings. I think people are much more interested in a blog about dating than what comes after. ; ) But if I have some revelations about dating or any great stories I forgot to share, I'll be back.

Best of luck everyone and, as Jesse Jackson famously said, Keep Hope Alive!

~ jenn

the last season of the bachelorette....?

yes, i have been totally sucked into the last season of the bachelorette. largely because she's brunette, smart, professional, and -- at least as it appears on tv -- real.

but i'm also wondering...is this the last season of MY bachelorette show? tomorrow it will be three months with M. and things are going really well. this is definitely an experience unlike any i've ever had before. it started differently, has progressed differently, and feels like it is on a different trajectory than any relationship i've ever been in. i feel hopeful, but of course it is still early so who knows what the future holds.

but it's exciting for sure. i've experienced some intense feelings of my identity shifting which has been strangely painful even though it is welcomed. i've often consulted one of my favorite resources, the book "if the buddha dated" to help me understand the emotions i've been experiencing and that's been helpful.

we shall see...i'm thankful for all the support i've had so far from friends and family and remain optimistic!

~md

so far, so good...

well, things are progressing nicely with M., the man i've been dating for a little over a month now. i enjoy spending time with him, he seems comfortable with my friends, and the attraction is growing stronger each day. it almost feels like things are going too well -- i think part of me is waiting for the other shoe to drop, but in my heart i think everything is actually going to be just fine.

it's definitely an adjustment, time-wise, and will continue to be -- i'm so used to being independent that while it's exciting to want to spend time with someone, it will take some getting used to as i'd like for my life to retain some semblance of balance between work, family, friends, this man and time for myself.

but so far, so good and we shall see what the future holds for us...

goodnight! ~md

my four new favorite words (O.K., five :)

"I want to see you." As in, "I don't much care what we do on Friday night, I just want to see you. You tell me when and where and I'll be there."

How has it taken me nearly 36 years to learn that when someone really likes you and truly wants to be with you they prioritize spending time with you? Call when they say they are going to call? Make plans with you -- and actually stick to them?

I have kissed a lot of frogs and it's way to early to know if this one is actually a prince, but at least I'm catching a glimpse of what it feels like to be treated the way I deserve to be.

Stay tuned, ladies and gents...

(passive aggresive) postscript?

OK, I'll admit I sometimes do weird (unadvisable, questionable, potentially upsetting to me) things when I'm caught up in boy drama. Often triggered by sports, music, or certain sense memories (foods, smells, seasons), etc. So here is the latest:

For those of you who've been following along for a while, there was an individual back in San Diego that I had a rather unproductive relationship with. (No, not THAT unproductive one, a different one! ;) This one was hopefully the last in a too-long line of "he says he doesn't want a relationship, but I'm so great of course he'll change his mind" scenarios. [For background, go here: http://mysterydater.blogspot.com/2006_10_01_archive.html] After six somewhat tortured months together, we ended it and conveniently a few weeks later he decided to tell me he was still in love with his ex who just happened to grow up about two towns over from me in Pennsylvania.

So in a moment of weakness-slash-curiosity (not a "getting back together" kind of curiosity, more of a "I wonder where he's at and what's he's up to" kind of curiosity), I send him a note via Facebook referencing the rare instance of interleague play between our two beloved baseball teams happening over the weekend. What follows is our brief correspondence. (Note that this is an email exchange, there has not been and will not be any "friend" requesting.)

From me to him (after noticing that his profile pic is of him and a woman):
I don't know if your current lady is from Philly, but if she is, I hope she's giving you some sh*t this weekend. :) - j

From me to him again after my team blew a two-run lead in the 9th inning:
I knew the second I sent that message that I was counting my chickens before they hatched!

From him to me a couple days later:
that was a great series...my wife is the same L. from PA...and as much as she wanted her Phillies to win, she didn't want to give me hell, she said she hates to see me sad. Plus she is very sensitive and cannot take trash talk, so she wisely doesn't talk it. How are things with you?

From me to him, after processing my surprise:
Wow, congratulations on the nuptials! Can't underestimate the importance of timing. : )

Sounds like both of our lives have changed quite a bit. I moved to Chicago in July '08 and my quality of life has improved dramatically. I really love it here and the Midwest vibe seems to be really working for me. (Sometimes I describe Chicago as a bigger, cleaner, friendlier Philadelphia! : ) Lots of good food, good sports, and good people here, and it shows me that while weather is a factor in one's quality of life, it's certainly not the most important one. Hope you are feeling that way in your new locale as well.

Your name has crossed my mind a few times since I've moved here, partly because of sports-related things, as my enjoyment of watching sports definitely increased during the time we spent together, but also because I've recently met someone who I think might be pretty great but toward whom I didn't feel an overwhelming sense of attraction right away. I appreciate that through my experience with you I learned how chemistry can grow pretty intensely with someone as you get to know them better and spend more time with them. Then of course there is the timing piece, but I think this guy is in a place where he is ready for a relationship (been divorced for about 4 years, no kids yet, pretty well situated career and home-wise, not appearing to still be in love with an ex). So we shall see...

Be well and happy. I stand by my assertion that you would be a great father so if that is part of your plan together, I wish you guys all the best.

-------
I think we're both guilty of some not-too-subtle passive aggression in this particular exchange, but hey, I never said I was perfect. ; ) But it is absolutely true that with him I learned that chemistry and attraction are not just about what you feel in the first thirty seconds of being with someone and for that lesson I am grateful.

~md

the new math

Interesting turn of events this weekend...

For the second Friday in a row, K. cancelled our plans less than 24 hours in advance only after I reached out to him to find out what was going on! Aaarrrgghhh. Very frustrating. The worst part was that after he bailed (ostensibly due to an injured back) he proposed we get together Saturday and then never called!! There is a small part of me that's worried about him (that naive part of me that gives people the benefit of the doubt when they don't deserve it) but I think he just knows that his second chance is over and he doesn't want to man up and actually face it. I've been given a few different pieces of advice from friends who care about me and they basically reached consensus: I deserve better than this.

It took me a little longer to reach that conclusion myself, but I think I finally have. Perhaps part of the reason he re-entered my life was to show me how I shouldn't be treated, which is in stark contrast to how my other current suitor is treating me.

M. calls. He makes plans. He emails. He is happy to see me. He's communicative. He's smart, funny and very into music and sports (I really appreciate that he's both intelligent and into sports : ). I haven't been feeling the physical connection as strongly with him, but we finally smooched this weekend so that helped to build up the romantic vibe.

After the smooch date, I came home and had a little conversation with myself. About what is important. About what really matters. About what I really want in a relationship and how I deserve to be treated. About priorities. About surface characteristics versus what's inside. I even consulted my 4 man plan book for some advice Cindy Lu style and read what I needed to hear: the most important characteristics in a partner are that he's loving, willing, and honest. Chemistry shmemistry, she says: "I'm not saying chemistry isn't a wonderful thing and ultimately necessary between two lovers. But what isn't common knowledge is that chemistry is not necessarily immediate or continuous...The guys we find instantly attractive are often the worst possible choice for a girl who wants to move away from a life fraught with anxiety, drama, and pain."

So to the title of the blog. If the old math was "he's cute, I get nervous and fluttery around him, there's some part of him that's distant that I want to try to connect with, knowing it's going to be a challenge," the new math is more like "I enjoy seeing him, he is respectful of me and my time, he follows through, I feel calm but happy when I'm with him."

So we shall see, of course it's super early with M. and there are lots of questions left to answer, but so far things seem to be progressing at a slow but steady pace that feels right. Stay tuned...