readiness redux

[behold the dialgoue between me (j) and one of my formerly affianced suitors (e)...]

e,

i'm mad at you. (just realized this of course.)

i'm mad at you because i think you'd make a great father and i'd love to see you in action.

i'm mad at you because i only have two free nights this week and i know i should use those evenings to go on dates with other people but i really want to see you.

i'm mad at you because in 5 months of dating and being intimate with me, your feelings about what you want relationship-wise doesn't seem to have changed in the slightest.

i'm not really mad at you. just mad that i still find myself in this incredibly tough situation where i think i should probably stop seeing you but i really don't want to. mad at myself that i don't want to stop. mad at myself for not being strong enough to stop.

not sure what to do at this point. maybe if you confirm for me that what you want hasn't changed at all i'll get more mad and realize it's not fair for you to be getting pretty much everything you want while I'm not getting everything I truly want. maybe then i'll find that strength and move on.

but i have a feeling you will really miss me if that happens though.

what say you?

- j

-----------------

j,

i want to call you now, but I know you are at work.

I don't blame you for being mad at me. you're right,
our relationship is not fair. it wasn't fair the moment
we revealed to each other we wanted different things
and decided to continue to spend time together
anyway.

I've been fully expecting a day when you
decide that what I'm willing and able to
offer is not enough for you.

I look at you and see a woman who is beautiful,
brilliant, driven, together - marriage material
of the highest order and a great catch for
any man who is ready for exactly what you want.

but nothing but more time and more experience
is going to get me to a point when I can
honestly consider offering anyone the rest
of my life.

it's because of the respect I have for that
level of commitment that I know I'm not close
to ready for it.

You're absolutely right. when you do decide
(if you haven't already) that you're done
spending time and energy on me - I will miss you.
A lot.

But suppose I let that sway me, suppose I let
myself get caught up in a passionate, romantic
moment, and convince myself I'm ready, before I
truly am, (and I'm able to convince you of the same).

Is that a path that will lead to happiness for anyone?

You're wonderful, and you deserve someone who,
when he meets you finds it hard to imagine living
without you. You deserve that and much, much more.

And for what it's worth, I believe you will find
that person sooner rather than later. I'm surprised
you haven't already.

I care about you. I care about what happens
to you. And I will respect whatever you decide
you have to do.

-e
---------------

hi e,

i apologize for doing this over e-mail...i know it's
not the most sensitive way of handling intense stuff like this. but
i've been thinking about you and me and us all day and needed to put my
feelings out there for you. i appreciate your honest and thoughtful
response -- knowing more about where you are at helps me tremendously
and also helps lessen my sense of "rejection" in all of this -- while
intellecually I know it's not about you rejecting me, in my heart it
still feels that way when i can't get what i want. ; ) i haven't made
any decisions yet, i guess i need some time to think. i don't know,
perhaps you'll get tired of my pulling you close and then pushing you
away and the decision will be yours. but know that i do respect where
you are coming from even though i wish things were different.

i'll call or write soon. xo, j
------------------

j,

the fact that you feel compelled to apologize to me
for anything, let alone your rightful hard feelings...
plus your worrying about my experience of being pushed
and pulled by you (really, exactly what I knowingly
signed up for from the beginning) are just further
testaments to the quality of person I am dealing with.
(you are loving, nurturing,sensitive, thoughtful -
wonderful and awesome come to mind, too)

(if this were a movie, the audience would be wondering
how am I letting this chance pass...and why you're
so attached to me, anyway)

but the truth is, I love spending time with you. 
and I'll waste exactly as much of your time as you
let me...as you lover and as your friend, in that
order, until you tell me different.

-e