confusion sets in...

i've somehow found myself in the middle of a peculiar dating phenomenon. guys in their early- to mid- to late 30's (32, 33, and 38 to be specific) who are anywhere from 4 months to 6 years out of an engagement or serious cohabitation situation who are really scared. afraid of committing (again), afraid of opening themselves up (again), afraid of letting their guard down (again). now mind you, i've pretty much disqualified one of these formerly engaged fellows due to an apparent gambling problem -- he left me (alone!) midway through a street festival to "check his bets." (um, can you say red flag?) another (also formerly engaged) fellow, whom i've written about many times, i've written off as far as anything serious goes because in 5 months of knowing me his party line on not wanting marriage or kids hasn't shifted a bit. but the most recent one, who i spent some time with this weekend, is the most confusing. from what i gather, he's about 4 mos out of a cohab. sweet guy, cute, funny, smart, tall, likes cool music and movies, etc. etc. wrote to me online. first date went well, second date went well, third date went great...but still no smooch or expression of interest other than wanting to hang out. which is cool, hanging out and getting to know someone is the right place to start. but i've been in more than one relationship where the physical part never materialized, though both of those fellows wanted to hang out all the time. this situation is looking a little too much like those situations, and i find it perplexing. is it a lack of attraction? is it a fear of getting involved/things becoming serious? is it a fear that i too will break up with/move out on/call off an engagement with them, so then it's self-protection? honestly, i don't know.

a very nice friend-of-a-friend in his late 30's once told me that men have two, maybe three good loves in their life -- that's all they can handle. that may well be true, and generally the type of guy i'm interested in has (hopefully!) had at least one serious relationship by the time he's thirty...thus, if he's single again, has experienced at least one Big Breakup. the other piece of advice he offered is that it takes a guy 6 months to fall in love, when it takes a woman about 6 dates. some may argue with that, but i think there's some truth to it. so if that is the case, i'm meeting appropriately aged men (say 32-40) who tend to be a bit gun shy due to prior experience...but what if i don't want to wait 6 months to see if they are going to come around? in general, i'm not a big subscriber of the whole "men are from mars women are from venus" type of thinking...i think men and women are more similar than different. yet these recent experiences are making me think women in their 30's may approach dating (or, specifically, the pursuit of a partner) very differently than men in their 30's. we know we are beginning to play russian roulette with our fertility; men believe they have until their 40's to really get serious about settling down. women in their 30's are less inhibited about sex and are more interested in it; guys in their 30's (for the most part) have a slightly decilining sex drive and are more reserved about getting in the sack with someone they might actually be interested in. (i do believe that where there are no stakes or low stakes, men and women in their 30's are just as likely to hop in the sack with each other -- the differential comes when there is potential, in my opinion.) so i don't know where that leaves me...for now it seems i'm in the strange situation where there is a desirable guy who wants to see me and/or talk to me every day but yet he doesn't seem to want to kiss me. hmmmm. i'm all for having friends of both sexes, and i have many and i love them. but at this point in my life, i'm not sure i'm trying to rack up a whole new set of male friends, especially ones i'm attracted to. but maybe that's just it. if i interact with these guys as friends, and then 6 months down the road one of them decides to fall in love with me (and i'm game), then maybe it's a matter of reaching the same end just doing so by different means.

or maybe it's just not this complicated and when i meet the "right" person and he thinks i'm great and i think he's great, all of this hyperanalytic nonsense can just be thrown out the window.

stay tuned.