three times as hard?

i heard that black crowes song on the radio the other day, where chris robinson sings "twi-i-ice as ha-ard, as it was the first time, i said goodbye..." i like that band. i like that song. but of course it made me think...was it twice as hard the second time? is it three times as hard the third time?

here's the thing. it wasn't twice as hard to say goodbye the second time, it was more like half as hard because i already experienced it not working out once, survived that, and knew going into it the second time that it not working out was a possibility. so now i don't know how it will be if it doesn't work out this time.

will it? i don't know. it's wonderful when we spend time together. i so enjoy his company, his sense of humor, his affection...it's when we're not together that i start to freak out a little. why hasn't he called? is he OK? are we OK? where is this going? do we want the same things? or am i treading water here? i feel like it's such a stereotypical "chick" move to do the whole "we need to talk" thing, but i realize i need some sense of security about this in order to continue on with it. i've gone into this with my eyes open and my heart open but i'm also keenly aware of my need to protect myself so it isn't twice or three times as hard for me if it doesn't work out...again. i know i'm stronger and my life is in a much better place since the second time around, so i feel confident i can roll with whatever comes. it's just hard for me to not know. i'm trying to increase my tolerance for ambiguity, but i still have work to do in that area. but at the same time, given that it is round three, i think i'm justified in wanting to know where this is or isn't going...

stay tuned...