mysterydater

reflections on the journey

2010-03-20T14:01:00.000-07:00

Well, I can't believe I'm saying this, but I think I've come to the point where my dating journey ends and the next phase of my romantic life begins. In a month and three days, I will have been with Mike for a year...and I will likely have more good news to report closer to that anniversary. :)

Looking back over the past four years of my dating life as documented in this blog, a few things stand out to me. One is that dating is hard. it's time-consuming, anxiety-producing, often frustrating, and it can be downright exhausting. Unfortunately, I think the fun-to-stress ratio tips the wrong way as you get older. And then there's the whole "opening yourself up to rejection" part, which can really wear on you. But as I am wont to say to my single friends (and often said to myself), you've gotta play to win. Sometimes you need a time out from the game, sure, but it is true.

Another thing is that people will always tell you "it'll happen when you least expect it" or some such cliched fodder about how magically not looking for what you want will make it happen. My internal (and, at times external!) reaction to that was always, "I'm single, I'm in my mid-30's, and I want to have kids. How can I not look for or think about "it?" But I have to say that I met Mike after I had taken a hiatus from dating for personal reasons and I had already begun looking at my options for becoming a single parent. So while he didn't just materialize out of thin air on my couch one day, I was at a point of thinking about what kind of life would make me happy if I didn't find a partner. Not sure if that mindset played into how things turned out or not, but I wonder.

The other indispensible resources to me were books -- specifically, "The Four Man Plan" and "If the Buddha Dated." (No, I am not receiving royalties for these plugs!) The Four Man Plan is not only hilarious (and dating definitely requires a sense of humor!) but it actually offers some practical advice that I believe helped make me open to a relationship that started slowly as opposed to only pursuing things that feel akin to "love at first sight." The Buddha Book (as I came to call it) is -- you guessed it -- a more spirtitual look at dating and its challenges. But I always found the book reassuring in that it confirmed that I was doing the right things and forced me to question my behavior when I wasn't. (There is an exercise in there about setting your bottom line and sticking to it that was helpful at times, particularly when I was making decisions that violated the agreements I had set with myself.) So, all you daters out there, you have some bedside reading now!

Honestly, I still feel a bit strange about this whole thing. So much of my identity as an adult is built around being single, so while the process of falling in love and making a commitment has been joyous, at the same time, it has required some reshaping of myself that has at times been a bit painful. Now, I'm not complaining, I'm just owning up to something that people don't often talk about (especially if they find their partners later in their adulthood). I'm also reminded of my best friend's powerful words -- she met her now-husband over 10 years ago. She said something like "it's just as random that I met R. when I did as it is that you are still single." What I think she meant was that it's all about that stroke of luck and timing that brings you the opportunity to meet that right person for you. It could have happened to me first, her first, both of us at the same time or both of us never. It just worked out to happen for each of us about a decade apart. No rhyme or reason really. I've enjoyed much of my "extra" decade of being single, and she has a beautiful 6 year old son and a house in Connecticut.

Finally, I met my love on the internet -- another proof point that online dating CAN work! (A recent study found that 1 in 4 recently wed couples met online, it's second only to being introduced my a mutual friend!)

I guess that's it for my musings. I think people are much more interested in a blog about dating than what comes after. ; ) But if I have some revelations about dating or any great stories I forgot to share, I'll be back.

Best of luck everyone and, as Jesse Jackson famously said, Keep Hope Alive!

~ jenn

the last season of the bachelorette....?

2009-07-22T21:05:00.000-07:00

yes, i have been totally sucked into the last season of the bachelorette. largely because she's brunette, smart, professional, and -- at least as it appears on tv -- real.

but i'm also wondering...is this the last season of MY bachelorette show? tomorrow it will be three months with M. and things are going really well. this is definitely an experience unlike any i've ever had before. it started differently, has progressed differently, and feels like it is on a different trajectory than any relationship i've ever been in. i feel hopeful, but of course it is still early so who knows what the future holds.

but it's exciting for sure. i've experienced some intense feelings of my identity shifting which has been strangely painful even though it is welcomed. i've often consulted one of my favorite resources, the book "if the buddha dated" to help me understand the emotions i've been experiencing and that's been helpful.

we shall see...i'm thankful for all the support i've had so far from friends and family and remain optimistic!

~md

so far, so good...

2009-06-07T21:15:00.000-07:00

well, things are progressing nicely with M., the man i've been dating for a little over a month now. i enjoy spending time with him, he seems comfortable with my friends, and the attraction is growing stronger each day. it almost feels like things are going too well -- i think part of me is waiting for the other shoe to drop, but in my heart i think everything is actually going to be just fine.

it's definitely an adjustment, time-wise, and will continue to be -- i'm so used to being independent that while it's exciting to want to spend time with someone, it will take some getting used to as i'd like for my life to retain some semblance of balance between work, family, friends, this man and time for myself.

but so far, so good and we shall see what the future holds for us...

goodnight! ~md

my four new favorite words (O.K., five :)

2009-05-27T21:57:00.001-07:00

"I want to see you." As in, "I don't much care what we do on Friday night, I just want to see you. You tell me when and where and I'll be there."

How has it taken me nearly 36 years to learn that when someone really likes you and truly wants to be with you they prioritize spending time with you? Call when they say they are going to call? Make plans with you -- and actually stick to them?

I have kissed a lot of frogs and it's way to early to know if this one is actually a prince, but at least I'm catching a glimpse of what it feels like to be treated the way I deserve to be.

Stay tuned, ladies and gents...

(passive aggresive) postscript?

2009-05-26T11:52:00.000-07:00

OK, I'll admit I sometimes do weird (unadvisable, questionable, potentially upsetting to me) things when I'm caught up in boy drama. Often triggered by sports, music, or certain sense memories (foods, smells, seasons), etc. So here is the latest:

For those of you who've been following along for a while, there was an individual back in San Diego that I had a rather unproductive relationship with. (No, not THAT unproductive one, a different one! ;) This one was hopefully the last in a too-long line of "he says he doesn't want a relationship, but I'm so great of course he'll change his mind" scenarios. [For background, go here: http://mysterydater.blogspot.com/2006_10_01_archive.html] After six somewhat tortured months together, we ended it and conveniently a few weeks later he decided to tell me he was still in love with his ex who just happened to grow up about two towns over from me in Pennsylvania.

So in a moment of weakness-slash-curiosity (not a "getting back together" kind of curiosity, more of a "I wonder where he's at and what's he's up to" kind of curiosity), I send him a note via Facebook referencing the rare instance of interleague play between our two beloved baseball teams happening over the weekend. What follows is our brief correspondence. (Note that this is an email exchange, there has not been and will not be any "friend" requesting.)

From me to him (after noticing that his profile pic is of him and a woman):
I don't know if your current lady is from Philly, but if she is, I hope she's giving you some sh*t this weekend. :) - j

From me to him again after my team blew a two-run lead in the 9th inning:
I knew the second I sent that message that I was counting my chickens before they hatched!

From him to me a couple days later:
that was a great series...my wife is the same L. from PA...and as much as she wanted her Phillies to win, she didn't want to give me hell, she said she hates to see me sad. Plus she is very sensitive and cannot take trash talk, so she wisely doesn't talk it. How are things with you?

From me to him, after processing my surprise:
Wow, congratulations on the nuptials! Can't underestimate the importance of timing. : )

Sounds like both of our lives have changed quite a bit. I moved to Chicago in July '08 and my quality of life has improved dramatically. I really love it here and the Midwest vibe seems to be really working for me. (Sometimes I describe Chicago as a bigger, cleaner, friendlier Philadelphia! : ) Lots of good food, good sports, and good people here, and it shows me that while weather is a factor in one's quality of life, it's certainly not the most important one. Hope you are feeling that way in your new locale as well.

Your name has crossed my mind a few times since I've moved here, partly because of sports-related things, as my enjoyment of watching sports definitely increased during the time we spent together, but also because I've recently met someone who I think might be pretty great but toward whom I didn't feel an overwhelming sense of attraction right away. I appreciate that through my experience with you I learned how chemistry can grow pretty intensely with someone as you get to know them better and spend more time with them. Then of course there is the timing piece, but I think this guy is in a place where he is ready for a relationship (been divorced for about 4 years, no kids yet, pretty well situated career and home-wise, not appearing to still be in love with an ex). So we shall see...

Be well and happy. I stand by my assertion that you would be a great father so if that is part of your plan together, I wish you guys all the best.

-------
I think we're both guilty of some not-too-subtle passive aggression in this particular exchange, but hey, I never said I was perfect. ; ) But it is absolutely true that with him I learned that chemistry and attraction are not just about what you feel in the first thirty seconds of being with someone and for that lesson I am grateful.

~md

the new math

2009-05-25T21:28:00.000-07:00

Interesting turn of events this weekend...

For the second Friday in a row, K. cancelled our plans less than 24 hours in advance only after I reached out to him to find out what was going on! Aaarrrgghhh. Very frustrating. The worst part was that after he bailed (ostensibly due to an injured back) he proposed we get together Saturday and then never called!! There is a small part of me that's worried about him (that naive part of me that gives people the benefit of the doubt when they don't deserve it) but I think he just knows that his second chance is over and he doesn't want to man up and actually face it. I've been given a few different pieces of advice from friends who care about me and they basically reached consensus: I deserve better than this.

It took me a little longer to reach that conclusion myself, but I think I finally have. Perhaps part of the reason he re-entered my life was to show me how I shouldn't be treated, which is in stark contrast to how my other current suitor is treating me.

M. calls. He makes plans. He emails. He is happy to see me. He's communicative. He's smart, funny and very into music and sports (I really appreciate that he's both intelligent and into sports : ). I haven't been feeling the physical connection as strongly with him, but we finally smooched this weekend so that helped to build up the romantic vibe.

After the smooch date, I came home and had a little conversation with myself. About what is important. About what really matters. About what I really want in a relationship and how I deserve to be treated. About priorities. About surface characteristics versus what's inside. I even consulted my 4 man plan book for some advice Cindy Lu style and read what I needed to hear: the most important characteristics in a partner are that he's loving, willing, and honest. Chemistry shmemistry, she says: "I'm not saying chemistry isn't a wonderful thing and ultimately necessary between two lovers. But what isn't common knowledge is that chemistry is not necessarily immediate or continuous...The guys we find instantly attractive are often the worst possible choice for a girl who wants to move away from a life fraught with anxiety, drama, and pain."

So to the title of the blog. If the old math was "he's cute, I get nervous and fluttery around him, there's some part of him that's distant that I want to try to connect with, knowing it's going to be a challenge," the new math is more like "I enjoy seeing him, he is respectful of me and my time, he follows through, I feel calm but happy when I'm with him."

So we shall see, of course it's super early with M. and there are lots of questions left to answer, but so far things seem to be progressing at a slow but steady pace that feels right. Stay tuned...

BLOG overdue...

2009-05-20T09:58:00.000-07:00

I know, dear readers, it has been for-evah!!

The emotional aftermath of the demise of my last attempt at a relationship (details here) was a bit more intense and protracted than I would have imagined, which led to a definite break in my dating (and thus blogging) life, but I'm baaaackkk!

Here's all the news that's (kind of) fit to print:

Since March, I've had two dates with Hurricane Kyle with our third date scheduled for Friday. In very reality-show like fashion he has reemerged, asking me "not to give up on him." I don't know, he kind of gave up on me a month into our first attempt at dating, so he still has quite a bit of 'splaining to do, but I must say I do get all fluttery and weak in the knees when I spend time with him. So smart, so cute, so funny... (Actually, I have two married friends who know him and they are both all "he's so HOT!" whenever I mention him...but that's not the driver here, I didn't even reply to his first note to me via Match.com!) I'm well aware of the whole "fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me" potential of this but I've also learned (from AH) that couples who get back together after a break-up due to timing issues have a high likelihood of working out. Stay tuned.
I have had a few dates with a public defense attorney, M., 43, He's also smart and funny but I'm not sure the elusive "chemistry" is there. I think I might have to make the case for a friendship -- I totally enjoy hanging out with him and we have similar taste in music and share an enjoyment of going to live shows...we'll see what he says. (I was joking to my friends that after 4 dates I've only given him a peck on the lips, I wonder if he thinks I'm a bit frigid...hahahhahaha! Read on! : ) He did take me to see Flight of the Conchords, which makes some of my friends feel as though I should marry him immediately! : )
I don't want to get too much into this one, but let's just say that when my friend AH is out of town I tend to make BAD decisions. And with this particular bad decision, I think I discovered the terrible hookup trifecta: bad kisser, woefully inadequate equipment, ridiculously early firing of said equipment. (So sorry if you are reading this, Jul.) And let's just say said landmine was dropped way too close to my house, thus inadvertently giving this individual the idea that "stopping by" was acceptable behavior, which he did at about 11:30 pm (on a WEEKNIGHT!) while my MOM was visiting!!!! ("Who's that at the door, honey?" AAAARRRGGGHHH!) Ah well. More fodder for the blog I suppose. But I'm definitely too old for that sh*t.

I guess those are the headlines for now. Spring has come to Chicago and the attendant re-awakening of hormones, revealing of arms and legs without the risk of frostbite, and outdoor EVERYTHING (sports, eating, festivals, concerts) should make for interesting times around here...

xxoo ~md

a positive turn

2009-04-30T21:20:00.000-07:00

i liked the positive tone of this article, unlike most of the "what not to do" and "here's what you're doing wrong" stuff that's out there:

http://dating.personals.yahoo.com/singles/datingtips/88099/dating-advice-5-traits-that-bag-a-boyfriend

things appear to be turning around for me, as well, on the dating front...more on that soon!

conversation stopper

2009-02-16T22:09:00.000-08:00

I had a nice and long overdue conversation with a friend from SD this evening (yes, you AS!). She has recently become single again and we were talking about dating and the confusing and often mixed signals guys often send. Then I was thinking about this brief email exchange I had this weekend with someone on a dating website and I thought..."exactly!" The tone is friendly, but his e-mail kinda leaves no where to go. I'm not super interested in pursuing this, but I was just wondering how others might respond to this message, if at all. So here you go (in chronological order):

---------------------------------------------------
> > Sender: Him
> > To: Me
> > Date: Feb 15, 2009 6:35 pm PST
> >
> > Hey,
> >
> > I moved here from San Diego last September. How do you like it so far?
> >
> > J

---------------------------------------------------
> Sender: Me
> To: Him
> Date: Feb 16, 2009 1:11 pm PST
>
> Hey J,
>
> That's funny. I've met a few CA relocators but no one from SD. Chances are we were probably at the Live Wire or the Casbah or something at the same time! I lived there for 5 years.
>
> I am so much happier here I must say, even despite the weather. I guess SD as a city was never a great fit for me. I'm originally from PA (near Philly) and maybe I'm too east coast for So Cal...it just seemed so superficial and anti-intellectual and dating for me was horrific there. I stayed so long b/c I had a great job, a wonderful (though insular) group of friends, and family up in the OC. But I haven't looked back on my decision, even in double-digit below zero windchills! (OK, maybe a little bit then... ; )
>
> How are you liking it so far? (If you hate it here, I promise not to judge!)
>
> Cheers, J

---------------------------------------------------
> Sender: Him
> To: Me
> Date: Feb 16, 2009 5:57 pm PST

Yeah, I am sure we were. I moved there at the end of 2001 and left last year. Not only did I spend lots of time at the Live Wire (especially on Sunday nights) and Casbah, but The Turf, Scolari's (RIP), The Pink Elephant. Man I miss it sometimes....but...

I love Chicago. San Diego was great but seven years went by in the blink of an eye. The dating scene was ok for me (MUCH better than it has been here), but professionally not a lot was happening for me. I did not find it anti-intellectual either. However I did have the insular friends experience. SD is very cliquey.....

the dog ate my homework

2009-01-30T19:28:00.000-08:00

The e-mail to my best friend explaining the demise of the latest suitor...

-------

Re: N, again he didn't call me (or answer/call back/text/email) this past weekend. I finally called his work # on Monday to make sure he wasn't dead, and once the receptionist said he was there I said "ok, thanks, bye." He called my cell 2 minutes later from his work phone and left a message saying "I take it it was you that just called, my brother has my phone, so you can give me a call at work or vice versa."

Whaaaaaat? What does that even mean? You couldn't get it back from him even though he lives a few El stops away from you? You couldn't email me? Stop by? Send flowers? WTF?!?? So I have not called him back and he hasn't called me either and the whole thing is bullsh*t if you ask me. I'm pissed and I keep questioning myself, was I expecting too much? Was he just trying to get some action? Was it all about the chase? Are we even going to have a "break up" conversation?!? Sooooo frustrating. Part of why I haven't called you is that I almost don't even want to talk about it.

-------
So there you have it, dear readers, consider yourself up to date. This from a guy who pursued me since September and insisted on an exclusive relationship. What. ever.

~md

Alone Again Or...

2009-01-20T06:58:00.000-08:00

OK, so the false alarm was a false alarm.

While I was worried about cold feet, what actually happened was a cold...apparently said suitor doesn't take being sick very well and was convinced that I gave him his cold (which I probably did ;-). Apparently he texted me with the news that he inherited my rhinovirus but somehow I didn't get the message, thus didn't respond. We had a good chat about it Saturday night and then spent some quality time together on Sunday (following the crushing disappointment of my Eagles' loss) so I think we're back on track.

Stay tuned for updates...

~md

[Note: the title of the post is a song reference; the song is originally by a band called Love but I came to know it through the Calexico version, which you can view here -- great song, thanks JS for introducing me to this version!]

an apple hit me on the head...

2009-01-16T22:03:00.000-08:00

but it may have been a false alarm.

i can't find the exact reference, but i remember a friend comparing men to apples once, saying that when they are ready, they fall from the tree and whoever happens to be standing under the tree at that time is the one they end up with. (this theory may help explain those situations when you date someone for a while, break up, and then they marry the next person they date. sometimes there are other reasons, of course, but sometimes it's just plain timing.)

of all the suitors on my four man plan, the one who was the most patient (pursuing me to no avail since September, pre-Hurricane Kyle!) was looking like the big winner...i agreed to see him exclusively (which was what he wanted all along and i was reluctant to agree to as a devoted 4 man planner...besides, he's a bit younger which is not only against type for me but also a bit of a warning flag given what i'm looking for....) and it started off swimmingly but now i fear he's getting cold feet. we shall see, stay tuned.

~md

1, 2, 3, 4, tell me that you love me more...

2009-01-02T16:40:00.000-08:00

I know, that song is so last year, but it captures something important about my life at the moment.

Perhaps the first go-round of the multi-dating was a bit of a bust, but round two seems a bit more interesting. There is probably only one truly viable candidate in the mix right now, but this time I'm definitely noticing that what Cindy Lu said was true: that if guys feel that they are competing for your affections, they behave differently (i.e., my phone be blowing UP lately!). So I currently have a few "vy-ers," including the one it took me 6 months to meet. (I don't think Cindy would approve of him or that protracted e-courtship, but I did notice that as soon as I mentioned that I was interested in someone else we met three days later. Hmmm. Yet he also proves the Lu-ism: "the guys that we find instantly attractive are often the worst possible choice for a girl who wants to move away from a life fraught with anxiety, drama and pain." Hear that, AH?!? See, my eyes are open! : )

So I'm having fun and it seems like a good way to start off the New Year and more evidence that my move to the Midwest was a wise one. And I'm doing my best to follow all the rules (e.g., give them a chance, be open to the unexpected, keep your legs closed... ; ) So stay tuned! And Happy New Year everyone!

~md

in case anyone is keeping score...

2008-12-09T22:39:00.000-08:00

in reference to this post, i offer the following updates:

m, a creative director for an ad agency, 42, had a really fun first date a few weeks ago: texted me today that "due to recent developments, i'm now off the market."

r, "between jobs," recently divorced, great sense of humor, 34, needs to get his act together though: recently revealed he is interested in one of my friends.

n, 28, totally cute and nice, has a good job, but i'm not sure the spark is there: maybe i'm starting to feel it a bit (just had our third date) but i think we are in different places in our lives.

j, my mr. big, 47, lives in san diego though: no change.

what is the universe trying to tell me...and why have 4 different prospects (2 that I'd met and 2 that I'd only corresponded with over email/phone) all decided to pursue other people instead of me since I moved here in July?

someday this will all make sense to me. today is not that day and tomorrow's not looking that good for it either.

~md

oy vey

2008-12-08T21:12:00.000-08:00

ok, just to close the loop on the last post:

From: Him
To: Me
Subject: Hey
Date: December 8, 2008

I'm sorry. I acted like an idiot. The thing is, I started seeing someone recently. It got a bit serious quickly so...

Really, I'm sorry. Maybe we can be friends? i could always use another.

What do you think?

-J

I think...becoming a single parent is sounding really good to me these days because if I wait around for a guy to actually make some f*ing sense I may be 60 before he shows up.

grrr. ~md

why i'd rather just meet a guy in a bar than online

2008-11-30T15:20:00.000-08:00

Now, granted, I'm a glutton for punishment in that I let it go on this long. [C'mon, he's cute, tall, a musician and an educator.] But still, it's just kinda ridiculous. Read from bottom to top for the full effect. ~md

From: Him
To: Me
Date: November 18, 2008

Sorry I didn't get back to you.

I have to be an asshole and cancel.

I have to mix a song tonight for a compilation we're doing. Some label/blog in Ireland.

It's due tomorrow so i have to get it done tonight.

I'm sorry.

From: Me
To: Him
Date: November 15, 2008

cool. i can do anytime after 7p...let me know if you have a place in mind or there are some pretty good ones right here in my neighborhood. cell is ###-#### if that helps.

cheers, j

From: Him
To: Me
Date: November 15, 2008

Tuesday works for me.

From: Me
To: Him
Date: November 12, 2008

Ha ha, you are too funny. Idiot phoenix, cute.

Any chance Tues would work for you?

Let me know. Cheers, J

From: Him
To: Me
Date: November 11, 2008

Yes, like an idiot Phoenix.

OK, how about a day next week? I'll even buy dinner since I've been such a jerk.

What days are you free?

From: Me
To: Him
Date: November 9, 2008

JV rises from the ashes. That's a nice surprise. I would be happy to let you buy me a beer sometime, let me know what nights are good for you. I'm in (neighborhood).

It's cold here now.

Cheers, J

From: Him
To: Me
Date: November 8, 2008

Hey there.

I'm sorry I flaked earlier. I had a bunch of stuff going on and blew off you (and the whole dating thing).

Anyway, I'm sorry. If you're still up for a beer, I'm buying!

Hope all is well.

[note gap in time]

From: Me
To: Him
Date: August 18, 2008

Hey there. I'm back, at least til Thurs. How was the show?

Cheers, J

From: Him
To: Me
Date: August 12, 2008

Hey. Again, sorry. I meant to email you yesterday.

We have practice tonight for our show this weekend.

Are you around at all the rest of the week?

From: Me
To: Him
Date: August 12, 2008

hey there,

i'm guessing tonight is out since i haven't heard from you...let me know.

- j

From: Me
To: Him
Date: August 8, 2008

And I thought I had a lot going on! : )

Look forward to hearing more about your job search as I am just getting my feet wet in education here...so far so good...

I can do Sun or Tues...heading to MI after work Wed for a meeting in Lansing and then a weekend outside Detroit with some family.

Let me know if either of those days might work for you.

-J

From: Him
To: Me
Date: August 7, 2008

Hey there. I'm back safe and sound. Good to see my family, under the circumstances.

Got offered a new job and have an interview on Monday.

Also putting an offer on a condo tomorrow. Been a busy week.

What's your schedule next week? Like to get some dinner?

From: Me
To: Him
Date: July 31, 2008

hey j,

sounds like you have quite a bit going on. i apologize if i seemed at all impatient, i was just a little confused! : ) ok, and looking forward to meeting you, too, i'll admit. ; )

of course, get in touch whenever things mellow out for you. i'm sorry to hear about your loss and i hope the trip to TN goes relatively smoothly.

i'll be here. cheers, j

From: Him
To: Me
Date: July 31, 2008

hey there.

I'm terribly sorry I haven't gotten back to you. things have been a little crazy the last few weeks. traveling, job interview, car window got smashed, etc.

i have to go to memphis today for my great uncle's funeral. he passed away kid of sudden.

I'll email you when I get back early next week if that's ok???

From: Me
To: Him
Date: July 23, 2008

Hey J,

I hope sending my # wasn't forward in some way. Let me know if you'd still be up for a beer at some point.

Cheers, J

From: Me
To: Him
Date: July 16, 2008

Glad you got back safely. Ah, the childhood home...one of my two is no longer in our family's possession but the other is like a time warp of my senior year of high school in the Philly burbs.

Next week sounds good, maybe Wed? Feel free to email me with details or here are the digits: ###-####. I'm in (neighborhood).

Have a great rest of the week and weekend. Cheers, J

From: Him
To: Me
Date: July 15, 2008

Hey there. Back from Iowa. Visit was good, but a bit sad. My mom and step dad are moving to Minnesota tomorrow to be near my sister and nephews. Going to miss my hometown.

I'm busy wed. and thu. night. Maybe we can shoot for next week?

From: Me
To: Him
Date: July 13, 2008

hey there,

hope iowa was fun and that you had as nice weather there as we enjoyed here in the city. everyone told me not to get used to days like today, but i sure enjoyed it.

i like the sound of the band! and a) i'm not just saying that (as i am a bad liar) and b) i'm kinda picky when it comes to new bands! : ) but you already knew your band was good, i just thought i'd add my voice to the chorus. : ) i'd enjoy seeing y'all live. looking forward to shows in and around lollapalooza.

pretty free this week, except friday, so let me know how things look for you.

cheers, j

From: Him
To: Me
Date: July 11, 2008

A beer sounds good. Let me know when you're free. I'm heading to Iowa tomorrow for a little family visit.

My email, if you'd like, is at yahoo. I hate this site's email form.

have a good weekend.

-j

From: Me
To: Him
Date: July 10, 2008

hey j,

glad to hear you are feeling better. i've always wanted to go to brazil. mom arrived on wed night so been busy trying to get settled in to my new apt but she's helping quite a bit.

have not yet checked out the band, but i will!!

partly a new job and partly the desire to live in a big city again (and get out of so cal before my brain truly began to atrophy). i was , and here i'll be . i do enjoy this work very much.

thanks for the welcome, i am enjoing chicago a lot so far. might be fun to meet up for a beer sometime after mom heads out... : )

cheers, j

From: Him
To: Me
Date: July 7, 2008

Hey there.

Weekend was so-so. Got back from Brazil last Wednesday with a head cold. Was sick all weekend but feeling much better.

There are tons of great local bands around. Check out . They're amazing. OK, it's my band, but we don't suck.

Did you move here for work? What do you do?

- J

oh, welcome to Chicago!

From: Me
To: Him
Date: July 6, 2008

hey there j,

well, after driving from san diego to san francisco to portland to spokane to helena to the badlands to st. paul over the last week, i'm happy to say that as of today i am now an official chicago resident. : ) made some progress on the urban ed front in san diego, but i think i've got my work really cut out for me here in chicago! looking forward to it though. i'm curious to hear more about your musical inclinations and suggestions for local bands i should check out.

hope you had a fantastic weekend.

cheers, j

From: Him
To: Me
Date: July 5, 2008

have you figured out how to fix urban education yet? Let me know when you do. I haven't yet.

I'm J**. Check out my profile if you'd like.

cultivating my inner multi-dater

2008-11-09T21:24:00.000-08:00

i think i'm in pretty good shape following the kyle debacle. whew.

so now it's onto a new strategy!

following the sage advice from what has become my favorite dating book, the four man plan, i think it's time to try to be a multidater.

me, i've been a serial dater. one at a time, evaluating each individual on his merits, seeing where it goes, focusing on one person at a time. now i think it is time to truly make it a buyer's market. (of course, this is facilitated by the fact that i now live in a city where there there seems to be the possibility of more than one man actually wanting to date me at a time, another proof point that this move was a wise one.)

there are some pretty simple mathematical properties underlying the 4 man plan, but the most important rules are: always go on second dates, because you never know; never sleep with more than one person at a time; and make the guys aware that they are not your only suitor (in a subtle way, such as, "of all the guys I'm dating, you are definitely the funniest").

so far, here are the contenders:

m, a creative director for an ad agency, 42, had a really fun first date last week.
r, "between jobs," recently divorced, great sense of humor, 34, needs to get his act together though.
n, 28, totally cute and nice, has a good job, but i'm not sure the spark is there.
j, my mr. big, 47, lives in san diego though.

there are a few more internet-based potentials out there...we shall see if any of them make the leap from virtual to actual.

so i guess this means i'm officially multi-dating. stay tuned.........

and, as cindy lu says, "Have fun dammit!"

~md

the calm after the storm

2008-10-15T20:57:00.000-07:00

Hurricane Kyle was a category 1 hurricane (on the Saffir-Simpson Hurricane Scale) that lasted for 22 days and became the third longest-lived tropical cyclone in the Atlantic basin. Kyle eventually made landfall along the southeastern United States coast as a weak tropical storm before moving back out to sea.

"This was a run-of-the-mill storm. It had the potential to be a real problem and it all sort of went away," Michael Hinerman, director of the Washington County Emergency Management Agency, told the AP.

"there's no easy way to say this..."

2008-10-11T09:24:00.000-07:00

motherf*cker.

well, mr. wonderful made the interesting decision to fire me last night.

somehow, i intuited that his distant behavior this week was a portent of something unpleasant.

given that he is going through a divorce (note to self, no more separated guys!), that he has kids, that he just started a new job...i thought he might want to pull back a bit, that he had too much going on, something of that nature. which i would totally understand given his situation.

but no.

"i'm just not feeling that spark, that thing that makes you weak in the knees for somebody."

really?

can you explain, then why you asked me out on our second date before our first date was even over?

can you explain, then, why every voicemail began with "hey gorgeous?"

can you explain, then, the text message you sent me a week ago when i was out of town saying "i wish you were here in my bed with me?"

is that how you communicate with someone with whom you are not feeling the spark? (if so, i can't imagine how you communicate with someone with whom you were feeling the spark...showing up naked on her doorstep?)

at the risk of TMI, i'm very happy to report that over the month of dating, we never consummated the relationship. he should be very happy that that is the case because if he pulled this "not feeling the spark" shit after we had slept together, i would have probably slapped him across the face.

i just wonder what the real truth is because i'm having a little trouble believing this version.

so back in the dating waters. again.

what an idiot.

~md

three months in chicago and...

2008-10-05T21:24:00.000-07:00

hello there if you are still out there!

after a few false starts here in the midwest and a little unfinished business in SD, i think i've found someone blog-worthy.

however, i find myself afraid to talk/write/emote about it too much because it is still new and so far he seems pretty great. as one of my new friend-colleagues said, "there is no jinxing," but after several years of pretty rocky dating roads, i'm wary of putting a name to something before it has time to blossom.

but for now, suffice it to say things are looking good and we shall see.

and whenever anyone says to me "wow, that was fast!" i direct them to read this blog to disabuse them of that notion. : )

~md

A.D.D.

2008-07-28T21:31:00.000-07:00

In this case, ADD = Another Dating Disaster (thanks, Carrie Bradshaw, for that...)

Here's one for you.

Guy writes to me on Yahoo. His headline: “Intelligent man seeks brilliant woman!” 39, 6'4", degrees in physics and engineering from a reputable state school, interested in meeting someone "who is caring, very intelligent, and funny," and who says he believes that "you really need to meet someone in person -- I don't believe profiles really tell you that much."

We exchange a few promising-seeming emails, he sends his #, I call and leave a message. Later that same evening he texts me. Odd, but OK I guess. Here is the conversation:

Him: Are you free for drinks this week?
Me: Sure...Tues or Thurs...how does your week look?
Him: How about Thursday? Promise to wear a sexy outfit for when we meet?
Me: (becoming a little concerned) We'll see...gotta leave some things for the imagination. Will you call with a plan at some point, Mr. Engineer?
Him: Only if you wear a short skirt...please?
Me: Do you talk to all the girls this way? Even before you've met them?
Him: No, you are just turning me on with your sexy texts.
Me (thinking, "huh?") : Well, I've never set up a first date via text, that's for sure! : )
Him: I must turn you on in a very texty sort of way I would presume.
Me: Perhaps, but I'd rather talk to you.
Him: What are your dimensions?
Me: (perplexed to say the least) Are you looking for a date...or something else altogether?
Him: All of the above!
Me: Just wanted to check. I appreciate your enthusiasm about the physical aspect, but I also really liked that you said you were smart and that you were looking for someone smart.
Him: You never told me your dimensions...
Him: A, B, C or D cup?
Me: These questions are creeping me out a little. It's my belief that you should meet in person and see if there is chemistry. I'm not trying to hide anything, I just don't feel comfortable discussing my body with a complete stranger!

No response...probably ever...and I'm thinking that's OK.

So much for trying to focus on "intelligent" guys...

~md

"gone cold"

2008-07-27T20:06:00.000-07:00

no, i'm not talking about the weather in the midwest...yet! : )

i'm talking about an online dating phenomenon that comes with the territory, it seems, but still drives me crazy.

why do online connections go cold?

two cases in point (ironically, BOTH educators, BOTH in bands...aaarrgghh...)

case one: guy emails me, i write back a few days later, he writes back, we decide to meet, i tell him my availability, he tells me his, we decide to shoot for the following week, i send my availability, never hear back from him.

case two: a guy expresses his interest in me via chemistry.com (which is really like a more open-minded version of eHarmony). i follow their process (send questions, answers, etc.), he sends his replies pretty quickly (about a day after mine), we get to the open-ended emailing part, haven't heard from him in about a week.

there is an unpredictability about online dating, and i think the fact that there is no "social fabric" connecting you to someone you randomly meet online all but encourages this type of behavior. but i find it frustrating...there's no explanation and people seem to feel no particular inclination to tell you what's going on.

i guess it can just serve as a reminder to me to continue being honest with people if i'm going to go cold on them, as i am of the opinion that just as my ego is strong enough to take a little rejection (e.g., "i had a date with someone i'm interested in pursuing," or "i've gotten really busy and don't have time for this right now," whatever) so is the ego of anyone i correspond with online.

i think i've gotten better about "pacing" my responses (waiting a day or two, even if i'm excited) and censoring myself (not revealing too much too soon or showing my enthusiasm) but somehow that doesn't seem to change things all that much.

well, to anyone one who thinks that online dating has made things so much easier for single people, i say think again...but i'll keep trying.

~md

shocking? really?

2008-07-25T09:12:00.000-07:00

Latest Bachelor Returns to, Well, Bachelorhood
By Natalie Finn Thu Jul 24, 1:46 PM PDT

We...are...shocked!

Former Bachelor Matt Grant and the recipient of his most important rose, actress Shayne Lamas, have broken off their engagement after publicly pretending that they were meant to be for two whole months, People reports.

"We tried hard to make it work but we realized that we were both heading in different directions," the duo said in a statement. "We truly care about each other and will remain close friends."

Just so long as they don't have to spend any time with each other, apparently.

The pair had been plagued by reports of trouble in paradise ever since Grant chose Lamas over Chelsea Wanstrath on the season finale of The Bachelor's 12th season, but each continued to deny that the fact that they were no longer living together or that they were never seen in the same place meant that they weren't still planning to tie the knot.

"This stuff makes us stronger," Grant, 27, said last month.

No word yet on whether Lamas, 22, returned the 2.85-carat sparkler her British beau used to seal the deal in May.

Anyway, that makes 10 out of 11 Bachelors (not including the not-ready-for-a-relationship Brad Womack) who have opted out of the matches they made during their stints on the ABC series.

****
Had to post that for anyone who sat through the vomitous finale of last season or was subjected to the fake-love BS these two displayed at the last "after the final rose." DeAnna and Jesse may be kind of a weird match, but at least they seem genuine. Oy vey!

two things...

2008-07-22T20:55:00.000-07:00

One: I now know the most popular Chicago pick up line...the first time I heard it, I thought it was original, but hearing it again tonight, I see that it may be commonplace:

"There she is!"

Amazingly effective, at least the first time around. Makes you feel kinda special, noticed, possibly confused with someone famous, whatever! It makes you turn around (way more than a whistle or catcall ever would). But I wised up tonight and said no thanks. Forewarned is forearmed!

Two: Boys are dumb everywhere. In this case, it's the special ed teacher/in a band guy...we traded a bunch of nice emails, he asked about my availability this week (in the middle of last week), I said Wednesday was good, haven't heard from him and it's now 11pm Tuesday. Ah well.

Goodnight! ~md

a baker's dozen in chicago

2008-07-19T16:13:00.000-07:00

well, i am here! i've landed in my new home city of chicago and i'm feeling relatively settled in. my apartment is great, the neighborhood is fun but not too crazy, and work is off to a good start. i got a little wiped out this week i think just due to overstimulation and exhaustion with the move itself, all the changes, and adjusting to an entirely new place, climate, schedule, etc. so i'm trying to take it easy this weekend to allow myself some recovery time.

it feels great to be in a big city again and i'm really enjoying spending time with my friends here who have been super-helpful and welcoming (thanks in particular AB, JS, AH, NW). as you may have gathered, dear readers, one of the reasons for this change was a hope that a new city might provide new opportunities in the dating realm. specifically, i hoped that my stock (which i felt was somewhat undervalued in SD) would rise here in chicago. well, i wouldn't call it scientific proof exactly, but i will say that i'm already planning a date with a guy who (get this those of you who know me!) is tall, slender, brown-haired, in a band and also a teacher. ; ) could be fun!

wait, there's more. as i was trolling around the internet last night (mellow weekend as i mentioned), i thought it's probably silly that i'm on multiple online dating sites, i should probably focus. chemistry did nothing for me in san diego, so i logged on and thought about cancelling it, but then i realized i'd just paid up for 3 months. so i decided to change my location from SD to chicago and just see what happens. when i woke up this morning (not early, mind you) there were 6 new messages from fellows who had indicated an interest in my profile. when i came back from running errands, there were 7 more. (thus the post title, get it?) i think that is more interest than my chemistry profile saw in 8 months in san diego. now, i know this is a bigger city with more people, yadda yadda, but still, i consider that a quantum leap.

so i know there are no guarantees that this change will lead to an improved love life, but i gotta tell you, it's looking pretty promising so far. i went on a little jog earlier in the week and the song "new kid in town" by the eagles came into my head. i guess it's kinda fun being the new kid in town right now. i'll let y'all know if anything pans out with the musician/teacher or any of the chemistry suitors....

cheers, j

damn you chris harrison!

2008-05-19T23:20:00.001-07:00

i really try to avoid getting sucked into reality shows.
especially ones about dating.
but that damn bachelor/ette franchise always gets me. aarrgghh.

i only watched the finale of the most recent bachelor, where the handsome london suitor chose the anna nicole smith look-a-like actress from LA. does anyone smell a cliche here?

the ending did get me thinking though. the woman who was a little older, perhaps a little wiser (yet of course at least as pretty and with an equally amazing body) didn't win, it seems, because she held back her feelings a bit and didn't completely throw herself at the guy from the get go. well, i think once you've loved and lost, you are a little more reluctant to make yourself vulnerable the next time (and i can't even imagine what that would feel like under the constant scrutiny of a tv camera!!). so maybe that show is a little biased toward younger women in that way? just a thought.

i must admit i do enjoy watching the bachelorette a lot more. first of all, there is WAY too much testosterone in that room. my goodness, 25 guys competing for the attention of one female? they lose their sh*t! i'm totally fascinated by the distinctions between the guys who try too hard, those who don't try hard enough, and the ones who get it just right. i even decided to make it a game for myself by trying to guess who she would send home on the first night...it was actually fun! i did pretty well, too, she picked 7 of the 8 guys on my "yes" list, 5 of 7 guys on my "maybe" list and 3 of the 10 guys on my "no way" list. i looked around online to see if there were any bachelorette tv show pools out there i could join to "make it interesting" as my bro would say, but couldn't find any. but if there is one out there, put me in for graham and the over! (hey, whatever gets you through, right? : )

still feeling excited about the changes a' comin'. as a very sweet (my age, handsome, male, taken) co-worker recently said to me, "you will be appreciated in Chicago." not that i haven't been appreciated in some ways in SD (by my friends, my family, my work colleagues) but i am looking forward to going to a place where maybe the range of things that matter in a partner might be a bit wider, and maybe because there are seasons people are more willing to commit so they have someone to snuggle and eat homemade soup with during the winter. just a hunch, i could be wrong and back here on the beach in a few years....but I wouldn't bet on it.

but if anyone wants to bet on the bachelorette, send me a note! ~md

a hopeful hookup

2008-05-04T16:45:00.000-07:00

well, i've just returned from a four-day trip to chi-town. met and did some work with several new colleagues...looked at several apartments (thanks Jill!)...spent QT with a few friends there.

i am SO excited to begin this new chapter of my life!

although i know there is no guarantee that this change in location will change my dating luck, i did have some good signs this weekend...including a new *friend* whom i encountered after the cubs game (i didn't go to the game, but met up with friends who did...let me tell you, bars in wrigleyville after a game are positively MAN-tastic!). it felt good to be flirted with, and i almost thought someone put him up to it when he made a comment suggesting that i would forget about him well before i moved there in july because there would be so many other guys on my t-i-p. i'm not mentioning this to sound self-aggrandizing, i'm just saying it because i think it was exactly what i needed to hear! and i don't think i'm going to forget S. anytime soon. ; ) as it said in my free will astrology horoscope for last week: "It's finally the right time for you to hear a piece of advice you weren't ready for before. If I had told you this any earlier, you would have at best misinterpreted it and at worst had no idea what I was talking about. But in recent weeks you've recovered a portion of your lost wildness, which means I can confidently reveal the following truth, courtesy of poet Charles Simic, 'He who cannot howl cannot find his pack.'"

Thanks, S, thanks Rob Brezny and thank you Chicago! See you in July! : ) ~ md

(slightly) painful irony

2008-04-20T19:25:00.000-07:00

well, i had my third date with b. a couple of weeks back...it was actually quite wonderful. a nice dinner at a place i'd been wanting to try, a glass of wine back at my place, great conversation with a few awkward silences (is he going to lean in for a kiss?)...all in all a great third date. when he was leaving, he gave me a hug and turned toward the door, and i (somewhat boldly) turned him around and planted one on him. it was important to me to see if the physical chemistry i'd been sensing was indeed there and was it ever. i was a little surprised, frankly, at how strongly we connected with that kiss. he stepped back and looked at me and said "my defenses are telling me no, don't do this, she's leaving," and i said i understood and i felt the same way but we both acknowledged how much we like spending time with each other. so we sort of left it at that and i headed out of town for about a week. we were supposed to meet up when i got back, but then he canceled and then i canceled and i haven't seen him since. we've had a few brief phone conversations but that's been it. basically, i think we were about to turn a corner and now that we haven't, i don't think we will. it's probably OK but it sucks a little bit...i finally meet someone in san diego that i want to have a third and fourth date with but our connection gets nipped in the bud because i'm leaving. ah well.

and i think i'm a little bummed because it feels like he has decided not to pursue this anymore but I kind of wish he could tell me that...instead he's not really returning my calls and sending short emails instead a few days later. to the point:

"First and foremost - don't feel like you are stalking me - I don't consider you that sort of person, besides I appreciate your calls. I've just been absorbed in stuff and I know your schedule has been and will most likely continue to be busier than usual as July gets closer. I will get in touch with you as soon as I see a likely chance to do something..."

of course, this all makes sense and no one is doing anything wrong here. i guess i'm just a little sad because i may be left to wonder what might have been if i made different choices. but at the same time i feel good about my choices and i think chicago will present a lot of great new opportunities for me, personally and professionally.

i just have a minor heart-slash-ego bruise to tend to and i know it will go away soon.

~md

expiration dating?

2008-03-24T14:19:00.001-07:00

well, i apologize if this is new news to you, dear reader, but i am headed for greener, colder, humider pastures. yes, it's true, the MD is packing up and heading to the midwest to try her hand at a challenging new job opportunity and to swim in some new dating waters. i'm very excited about this...stay tuned.

in the meantime, i had my second date with my new 50 year old friend last night. and let me tell you, it was a good date. it is so fun to spend time with a man who is intelligent, knowledgeable about politics and the world around us, and who appreciates good food and wine. i'm still aware of our age/generational differences (last night's big word was "heavy," as in "that was a heavy time, man..." ; ) but i really enjoyed myself and felt my attraction to him growing. he was very sweet, out of nowhere he says "I'm not sure about this 'you leaving' thing." it was cute and made me smile.

so we talked about getting together again, and i find myself thinking about him today and realizing i kind of like him...but then i think, what am i doing? i'm out of here in about 3 months. when i was preparing to leave philly for CA almost 10 years ago (!!!), i had the (mis?) fortune of falling crazy in love with a jazz guitarist...that didn't end well. (he said we should stay together and then promptly dumped me once i reached my new home...he was married and a father within 18 months.) not that i think i'm on the path to falling madly in love, but it does feel a little risky to start spending time with someone new now. but i also like the idea of having someone to talk to and have a meal with while i'm dealing with this somewhat challenging phase of my life. and i've been completely honest with him, of course -- he knows my plans.

i think people come into our lives at certain times for a reason, so i don't feel like i should pre-emptively strike this person from my life because i'm headed in a different direction...i think we could be friends, companions, perhaps even romantic partners for the time being and who knows what the future holds for either of us. as long as it doesn't distract me from getting my house and life in order to relocate or pull me away from spending quality time with the people here i love, maybe it will just be OK. a little bob never hurt, right? : )

more soon,

~md

mind the gap

2008-03-02T01:36:00.000-08:00

ever been in the london tube? that phrase is everywhere...

no, in this case, i'm talking about the generation gap.

while i think it can be crossed, sometimes it's a yawning chasm that makes you think: um, no.

i finally met bob the builder. i found him attractive, for sure...though the lines in his face certainly showed his age. in a handsome way, but also in a way that made it difficult for me not to fixate a bit on his age.

as a former 60's radical conscientious objector type, he referenced presidents and events that made me have thoughts like "was i born yet?" and "wow, was i in middle school when your marriage broke up?" -- kind of uncomfortable.

but the conversation was good and i would meet for a second date...maybe having met him once i'd be a little less fixated on the age difference.

which is interesting, because the last significant relationship i was in was with someone only 3 years younger than bob the builder. yet with him i didn't feel the gap -- we liked the same music, the same food, followed current events in similar ways...the age difference didn't really come up for us. he was smart, beautiful, active, and fun when not put out by his unmanaged clinical depression (see the problem?). and it didn't feel like he was trying to be or act younger than his age...i don't think bob was either, but his age just felt older to me.

i was also thinking about the generation gap from the perspective of immediacy/instant gratification. i have a phone on which i can check my email 100 times a day (and sadly, i fear i'm heading in that direction...must.stop.obsessively.checking.email!!). the generation of which i'm a part saw communication move from "regular" to "instantaneous." so while i know part of it is just me and my personality, i wonder if my impatience in the world of dating is partly related to the very immediate culture of which i'm a part. (bob the builder doesn't have a cell phone, and i'm sure my face registered shock when he told me that.) i'll need to think about this some more...i know i need to keep working on my patience issues but maybe i'm not totally at fault for them, perhaps part of it is cultural/generational...or maybe i'm just rationalizing...

or maybe it's because i've actually experienced love at first sight (or something very close to that), so i know that can happen and maybe i continue to confuse that feeling with "rightness," so that if i don't get that immediate jolt when i meet someone i interpret that to mean they aren't "the one" which sounds like an unrealistic expectation as well as a rush to judgment when i really think about it.

something else to think about as i head to sleep...

goodnight. ~ md

age...is it just a number?

2008-02-19T20:31:00.000-08:00

speaking of age, i just saw on my blogger profile here that i describe myself as being in my early thirties...according to my age-logic, i'm really in my mid-thirties at this point...

but that's beside the point. the reason for this post -- other than the fact that i haven't written in ages and that i may have a few new readers (km and js, greetings if you are out there!) -- is that i just had a 45 minute long conversation with a smart, interesting and tall gentleman named B. who is...50.

i've had my eye on his profile for a while. he appears to be attractive, active, liberal-minded, educated, and fun. enjoys music, plays music, loves animals, has a dog, enjoys travel, has travelled...

as always, it comes down to chemistry. i've been traveling quite a bit lately but once i return home later this week, i'm in SD for almost a month so at least i'll have a little time to meet this fellow. and we shall see. i've met people my age who feel old to me and then there are people like my dad who seem quite young, so who knows? my mind is open and my sense of optimism is returning (after a long time away) so i'll keep you posted...

p.s. Go Barack!

enough with the jewelry commercials already!

2007-12-17T22:27:00.000-08:00

sorry for the lack of posts lately, but very few dates = not much fodder for the blog. (i'll spare you the story of cross-eyed socially awkward guy...no offense to any cross-eyed and/or socially awkward readers out there, of course.)

but lately, the thing i have been inundated with is jewelry commercials. to borrow a line from a few different blogs, tom shane, you are NOT MY FRIEND! i was so pleased to be done with those ads when i moved to SD from SF, but it seems tom has tracked me down and is now harassing me in san diego, especially during my most favorite radio program ever...so annoying!

all i can think is that all these commercials must be worse for a guy in his late 20's or early 30's, let's say, who has been in a relationship for a year or more (talk about pressure! i know i'd be plugging in the ipod whenever driving around town with my gf!) than for your average single woman in her mid-30's. but it's gotta be pretty close.

perhaps things in the dating realm will pick up again after christmas is over and that dumb wishbone "every kiss begins with k" ad is a distant memory. philly should be fun though! happy holidays one and all!

love, md

preferences...

2007-11-04T17:40:00.001-08:00

this cute guy checked me out on yahoo today. i looked at his profile, noted that he's traveled to "Singapore, Beijing, Sri Lanka, Prague, Hungary, and Kiev, and look for any opportunity to visit new cultures and places," and see that he says "I've traveled a fair amount and enjoy exploring new perspectives. "

then i look at the list of ethnicity types he'd consider for his "Ideal Woman:"
Asian, Caucasian (white), East Indian, Hispanic/Latino, Middle Eastern, Native American, Pacific Islander, Inter-racial, Other.

then I look at the list of possible ethnicities one could check:
African American (black), Asian, Caucasian (white), East Indian, Hispanic/Latino, Middle Eastern, Native American, Pacific Islander, Inter-racial, Other, Any.

so basically this well-educated ("post graduate"), well-traveled caucasian guy is open to every race or racial combination except African American (black), which also prevents him from choosing "any".

ok. everyone is entitled to their own preferences in terms of physical attraction, people they think they have things in common with, etc. but i can't tell you how many examples of this phenomenon i've seen since i've lived in san diego. i rarely, if ever, saw such lists when i lived in the bay area. i guess i've thought of CA as being more multicultural and people being more openminded here. maybe it doesn't apply to san diego, maybe it's a yahoo thing, i don't know. but it definitely irks me as it's basically a way of saying "anything but black." as an interracial person, i suppose one could argue i'm "acceptable" to this guy, but i wouldn't really want to even meet someone who set their priorities that way. for me, if someone is white and they specify just white, or black and they specify just black in terms of what they're looking for, i can get my head around that. like i said, people have preferences. but i feel there is something rather prejudicial about someone who says "anything but."

this issue has been bugging me for a while, but since it just happened again and i don't think i've ever written about it, well, here you go. end of rant.

~md

...and the unluckiest of circumstances...

2007-11-04T12:28:00.001-08:00

date was set for noon sunday to watch the 1:15 game.

at 12:21 on sunday, thinking for sure i was being stood up, i receive the following text message:

"I separated my shoulder. In the hospital."

Poor guy! I replied, asking if there's anything I can do...

So we shall see. Hope he's OK! Oy. ~md

in the unlikeliest of places...

2007-11-02T17:39:00.001-07:00

so, at risk of sounding like a sitcom or (worse) something from the "letters" section of an adult magazine or something...

on monday, my refrigerator decided to stop working. so after a minor meltdown about that (pun intended), i called whirlpool to schedule an appointment for service. they said thursday, i said OK; i asked for morning, they said the window was 8a-5p but they'd request morning for me.

i received a call around 8:30 on thursday morning saying my service technician would arrive around 9:30. so i stayed in my PJs for a while (had worked really late the night before), tidied up the kitchen, made coffee, settled in to do some work at home, and waited. the technician called just before 10a, apologizing for being late, his last call took longer than expected, and said he'd be to my place in about 15 minutes. at 10:35, I called him back to ensure he wasn't lost. sure enough, he was pulling into my driveway so i let him in. he pulled the refrigerator out, looked over a bunch of things, isolated the problem area, and explained to me what was going on. In the way that a helpful and honest automobile repair person might explain something -- not assuming because I'm female I don't know anything but actually helping me understand. he had this cool computer that had all the parts and you could zoom in and show how they work in relation to each other.

he noticed on my fridge that i have an eagles football schedule, so he asked if i was an eagles fan and if i was he was sorry for me. then it was on -- lots of good trash talking about football (he's a detroit lions fan), talk about where we're from (i have family in michigan and he has friends in philly), what we think about san diego. he tried to track down the part he needed to repair my fridge but couldn't find it in town, so he had to order it. "would you like me to come back and install it?" he asked, to which I replied "well, yeah!" perhaps a little too enthusiastically. then i added "and while you are at it, see that big box over there? you can also install my HD cable box when you come back!" he said that he'd be more than happy to do so. he gave me the total for the bill, explained how to request that he install the part once it arrives, and then left shortly thereafter. so i had a feeling i'd see him again, one way or another.

so i leave my house and drive about a mile, and coming from the other direction, who pulls up beside me but my new friend-slash-repair guy. so, boldly, i call him and ask why he's following me. he suggests that perhaps i was following him. the flirty banter goes on for a few minutes and he offers to come back to my house to hook up the cable box. i explain that i'm heading into work, but maybe over the weekend. then i get a brilliant idea: i'd love to watch the patriots-colts game in HD in the comfort of my own home...he likes football...so i text him "maybe you can come by on sunday to hook up my HD box and we can watch Brady vs Manning?" he replies, "sounds good to me," and now i have a date on sunday afternoon with the man who is going to fix my refrigerator.

let's keep the silly jokes about what else he might fix to a minimum, people.

but did i mention he's adorable? : )

will let y'all know how it goes! ~md

delayed reaction(s)

2007-10-13T17:56:00.000-07:00

i know, it's been a little while...

the title above does not refer to the "kissing bandit" referenced in my last post. that guy never called. now that was a new one -- fun date, full-on couch smooch with lots of compliments directed at me, and no follow up. dating never ceases to amaze me!

no, these delayed reactions are as follows...the guy i freaked out about e-mailing re: the eagles game called me about two weeks after our first date. i generally think that after the "three day rule" (does that really still exist?) if i haven't heard from the person, i probably never will. so i was surprised to see a message from him on my phone. it took me about five days to call him back -- i was traveling. i left a message, he called back but i was at dinner, i called the next day, he hasn't called back. turns out a friend's husband knows the guy and cautioned me a little bit that he might be a bit of a player...which seems strange as my concern after our date (other than the fact that the car radio was tuned to san diego's 95.7) was that he seemed to lack passion or spark, which isn't something i'd associate with someone who may have playa tendencies. weird.

the other delayed reaction is from a friend of my friend who works at a nearby unique grocery store which i frequent. i hadn't seen him in a while, so big hug when he greeted me, nice banter, he checked me out (of the line, silly) and asked me about my plans for the weekend. i told him i didn't have too much going on, he suggested we grab a bite to eat or something when he was finished with work..."you have my number, right?" i used to have it, but i have a fancy new phone and it didn't make it in there, so he gave it to me again. i called in the afternoon to say i would be interested in dinner and gave him my digits...so it is a delayed reaction in the sense that we've been flirting off and on for about two years, and also delayed in that he was supposed to get off work an hour ago and i said on my message i was up for an early bite as some friends are having a late-announced housewarming later tonight that i'd like to go to...so we shall see.

in other news, i received a note from a texas gentleman today in my yahoo account. (why do the out-of-state guys seem to dig me more than the CA guys?) in his profile, i found the following sentences, i kid you not: "I'm somewhat famous and hence cannot post an exact picture of me on this website. The gentleman you see above and I do bear a striking resemblance. Rest assured that I've been extremely successful in a multitude of endeavors and now am ready to meet that special woman to take care of, nurture and spend the rest of my life with." I don't know, that struck me as funny, I mean, if you are so famous what are you doing on yahoo personals? again, weird.

that's it for me. more soon, i promise! ~md

is it weird...

2007-09-26T23:36:00.000-07:00

...if you go on a semi-blind (internet) date and the bartender at the place you picked is someone you met a few years ago on a semi-blind (internet) date? at first i was worried it would be weird..."i thought you only worked happy hours!" i say to my friend the bartender, but it was totally fine. if anything, i think it showed that i have a type as there was a bit of physical resemblance between my date and my friend the bartender. funny.

we had a beer, put some songs in the jukebox, played pool (he won, dammit!) - but all in all it was fun. i thought for a minute i was going to be posting "so what if they guy you have a date with wants to hook up with you, and you also want to, but you have a suspicion that that's not the best way to land a second date..." but in the end he ended up being a sweet gentleman -- a nice smooch on the couch and then an "i should be going..." (after telling me that i am a great kisser, of course :) -- good ending since i need to get up early. we hugged, he left and said "i will call you," so hopefully he will but not a big deal if he doesn't. my sweet friend MS called recently and told me to kiss somebody last weekend, and while that didn't happen, i'm happy to report that i kissed someone today. who knows what the future holds with any of this, but it's good to be back in the game. goodnight! ~ md

two things...

2007-09-18T11:11:00.001-07:00

just to clarify...

1) i'm not as crazy or OCD as i may sound in some of my posts. as a natural extrovert, the way i deal with things is by talking to friends, family, co-workers, random people at the grocery store, etc. talking through things helps me make sense of them. so when it's 1am and i want to vent, the blog is the next best thing to having a girlfriend to bounce ideas off of. so they are sometimes pretty raw and unattractive but they are certainly honest and the kind of thinking/ranting i can do here helps me diffuse some of the tension and anxiety i feel from dating.

2) but the best thing really is your best friend, as mine offered the following wonderful comment: "As for the R. thing - don't beat yourself up. If you two were meant to be, he would have jumped at the chance. As it is, I wouldn't rule out the possibility that he will call you again - the lack of "passion" you felt on the first date might account for not jumping at the chance, rather than him not being that psyched on you. Anyway, I admire your honesty and courage. Dating sucks, but you are awesome."

off to work now...

~md

monday morning quarterbacking

2007-09-17T23:23:00.000-07:00

i hate dating. really. i mean, hate it. and i don't hate many things!

in the interest of getting right back in the game, i had a date on saturday. funny story, someone who had visited my work a few years ago who i thought was attractive showed up on match. i winked at him, he wrote me right back, i explained that we'd met before, he called me, we planned a date. we watched a little baseball at my house, then at his suggestion, we went to a pub and played pool and this fun ice hockey-meets-foosball game over a beer. he brought me home a little after 11, walked me to the door and gave me a peck on the lips.

we have a lot in common in terms of our work, both like sports, i found him attractive (again) though i wouldn't say there was a ton of chemistry right away but i'm definitely aware of how that can build over time (and my track record for relationships that start with really strong chemistry is not good anyway!). at the end of the date, there was no statement about "i'll call you" or "let's get together this week/next week" and i always feel a bit insecure when a date ends with no discussion of "next steps." (clearly, my ability to deal with ambiguity still needs some serious work.) i guess i shouldn't expect people to act the way i'd act, but i'm a fan of knowing what to expect. perhaps it's the east coast in me...

when we planned the date originally, he suggested monday as an option, but at the time i had dinner plans with a colleague. he mentioned he was going out of town on tuesday for a few days. so when my monday night freed up and my plans included only watching my hometown football team on TV, i made the (perhaps unadvisable) decision to drop him a line:

From: J
Subject: futbol...
To: R

hey there,

sorry about the charger game -- in particular, the fact that you had to watch it in the company of pats fans! ugh.

my dinner for tonight was canceled so i get to watch the eagles real time (yay!). let me know if you want to join in...

cheers, j

to which he replied, in about an hour:

the charger game was disappointing. but the pats exploited the weakness
that charger fans know about - secondary. Payton Manning and Tom Brady can
take us apart. How we can address that, I do not know.....

go eagles!! I will be working tonight as I had too many personal work items
to take care of today. enjoy the game.

R

so now, i introduce an expression that pretty much captures how i feel:

Mon'day morn'ing quar'terback

Informal.
a person who criticizes the actions or decisions of others after the fact, using hindsight to assess situations and specify alternative solutions.

in this case, i'm assessing my own actions...i probably should have just waited to hear from him -- or not hear from him as the case may have been. his reply doesn't sound to me like there is a lot of enthusiasm there. so while i'm second guessing myself, i also feel like if the interest was there a simple, short e-mail from me shouldn't have extinguished it. but perhaps i also need to learn to control my impulse to reach out...as mom says, you have to let the man decide what the next step will be, but that approach offends my feminist sensibilities!

ack, i don't know. my gut tells me the right person for me is going to be pretty damn psyched to find me and to find that i am indeed still single and that this wishy-washy-ness and monday morning quarterbacking will all go away when that happens...

aren't you glad i'm single again?

oh, p.s., mr. three strikes called me this evening. ringer was off as i was watching the game, though i wouldn't have answered anyway. (even though i removed his #'s from my phone, i did recognize his cell number and he did leave a message.) at this point, i'm not interested in talking to him. though there is very much about him that felt right to me, he's clearly not taking care of himself enough to make a serious relationship possible and without that, i don't see us being friends.

so we shall see..........fun, fun, fun. ; )

~md

final score...

2007-09-12T21:18:00.000-07:00

first, a definition:

denouement

Main Entry: de·noue·ment
Variant(s): also dé·noue·ment /"dA-"nü-'mäⁿ, dA-'nü-"/
Function: noun
Etymology: French dénouement, literally, untying, from Middle French desnouement, from desnouer to untie, from Old French desnoer, from des- de- + noer to tie, from Latin nodare, from nodus knot
1 : the final outcome of the main dramatic complication in a literary work
2 : the outcome of a complex sequence of events

the final score appears to be:
"three strikes and you're out" = 1
"third time's the charm" = 0

ah well. as the wise lord tennyson quipped, "'tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."

at least this may mean more frequent blogging, as single j certainly writes more than coupled j!

stuck in my craw

2007-08-07T23:06:00.000-07:00

so in the throes of some frustration this weekend, in an admittedly vulnerable state, i click on the link for the article below from some dating website e-mail i receive (did i actually sign up for lovehappens.com? they keep saying my profile needs a picture so i must have just gone on there once to check it out...). apparently, between this site, yahoo, and some others, there is a growing market for random guys who write their thoughts about dating...with publishing contracts. i had strong though conflicting reactions to this article (hmmm....that kind of sounds like me...but wait a minute...what?!?) so i wanted to post it to see what others might think. enjoy....

From: http://www.lovehappens.com/tips/catchAndKeep1.html

dating advice

Why Men Withdraw,
And What To Do About It
by Christian Carter, Catch Him and Keep Him

Tons of women do this one thing.

And it must leave them feeling awful...

I wonder if you do it too?

I'm talking about women who hide their true feelings from a man and fear sharing their desire for a closer relationship and for love.

Ever felt this way?

It's happens when you won't communicate directly with a man about your feelings because you think you'll “scare him away”.

Unfortunately, you're right... it could scare him away.

The way you talk to a man about a relationship turns out to be THE BIGGEST MISTAKE ANY WOMAN CAN MAKE WITH A MAN.

I'll come back to this giant mistake in just a quick second...

First, I'd like to talk about what I've seen in the dating world as a guy and share a FASCINATING story with you.

I've had women communicate their feelings with me in all sorts of different ways from joy to anger to frustration, and I know what each one does to a man. (and in a larger context, what communicating this way does to any person in general - man or woman)

There's a pattern to the dating experiences that I'd like to share.

THE STORY GOES SOMETHING LIKE THIS... (let's pretend I'm the man in this story and you're the woman)

You and I meet. We both like each other. (lucky me!)

Feelings develop for us both on several levels. (physically, emotionally, socially)

You try to be “patient” and not express too many feelings and what you want to play it cool.

We have a great “connection”, but we never talk about what we want in our future around dating, a relationship or marriage.

Time goes by and things are great for us.

Eventually, you begin to see that you're not getting what you want from me in the relationship.

You want more, but you're scared of talking to me about it because you don't know where I'm at.

You're scared because I've talked to you about all the bad experiences I've had with women in the past.

And sometimes I even make negative remarks about women and their emotions.

You don't want to ruin the good things we have going and rock the boat, but in the back of your mind you know that you'll want to deal with the negative emotions that are slowly but surely building in your mind.

Then as I start to see us growing closer, I begin to use my past issues to tell you that I'm not looking for much more than what we have right now.

So you don't say anything to me directly to communicate what's going on for you and your feelings.

And of course, being a normal guy, I don't say anything either. (Of course, I'm a man!)

You become frustrated and confused that I'm not acting how I used to act.

Things begin to change with the way I treat you.

I don't pay as much attention to you anymore.

I don't surprise you or bring you flowers anymore.

I'm tired everyday after work and just want to watch tv when I get home.

I call you less frequently.

I don't initiate sex as much anymore.

You even consider that I could be seeing someone else.

And after a few months - I've become distant.

So what happens next?

You decide you're not happy with where things are and it's time to have a talk about where we're at.

But you're SCARED of expressing your feelings about what you want, so you let things build up inside you until you begin to let your frustrations with me show.

And to wrap the story up...

You make THE BIGGEST MISTAKE YOU CAN MAKE WITH A MAN...

You start a conversation about the relationship and then you “let me have it”! (you get upset and lose your cool with me)

All your desires, fears, frustrations and dreams that you've been holding inside away from me all pour out in one big emotional explosion...

This “Big Mistake” can take the form of arguing and yelling, but not exclusively.

Sometimes it's just extreme intensity, perhaps tears.

It might include:

- Complaining about the current state of the relationship

- Talking about the things he does wrong with you

- Showing your frustrations about what you feel is missing

- Becoming upset that he doesn't feel how you'd like him to feel

- Bringing up past issues, arguments or disappointments

But it always creates a lot of emotional tension and “drama”. Especially in the guys mind.

This is THE LAST THING you want to do with a man if you want to get some positive result with him.

That tension that's created stays with him, and he NEVER forgets it.

In his mind, he now thinks of you as “hysterical” and full of issues. His mind defines you by what he saw in your behavior, and it scares him.

Yep, I know it's not fair, but it's the man's weird and twisted reality...

I've heard hundreds, maybe thousands, of men talk about this exact perception of a woman and how they fear being with a woman who they think will make this giant mistake.

Yeah, I know... it's inmature, selfish and not fair of the man, but it's the reality of the situation that lots of women end up in with men.

So how do you avoid this....?

I'll tell you how in THREE EASY STEPS.

Step 1) You Need To Understand What's Going On Inside The Mind Of Your Man...

Let me tell it to you straight, as a man...

Women secretly believe that their connection with a man will “naturally” turn into something deeper without any communication taking place.

Kind of like it's the unspoken truth about what's going on.

Honestly... this isn't how it works for us men.

If you're “assuming” you have a relationship, and that he feels like you do, you're wrong.

Men don't assume that a connection, being together, spending quality time and all the rest means they're in a committed relationship.

Some men do, but not most.

For a man to know he's in a committed relationship, and understand the things YOU want in that relationship, YOU have to communicate with him in CLEAR AND DIRECT terms.

Yeah, that's right... You have to put yourself out there and be vulnerable.

Scary!

But I hear lots of women think that other women are just lucky to have found such a great guy.

And while there are some men who are more equipped and ready for a healthy situation with a woman, it's NOT luck that women in great relationships have found a way to communicate with their guy.

That's right, they've taken time to find the right information and to learn to integrate a certain way of communicating into their thinking and behavior.

It's not easy, but there's help.

Step 2) You Need To Understand What Causes You To Make “The Big Mistake”

EVERYONE wants to have THEIR needs met first. It's basic human nature.

But being able to delay your gratification is an AMAZING thing to develop in your life. (in every part of your life!)

Most people (men and women) want to talk, talk, talk about what THEY think and what THEY want.

The root of this problem basically boils down to needs that are unmet.

So making “The Big Mistake” is really all about being driven by your unmet needs and desires and solely focusing on what YOU want the relationship to be, without honestly and critically considering the man's perspective, his emotional state, his commuication skills and where he's coming from at the same time.

When you do this with a man, you are subconsciously telling him that you're more interested in your feelings and what YOU want than you are in his feelings and what he wants.

And men can read and pick up on women who do this instantly.

I see a form of this “Big Mistake” communication all the time in business by the way.

Some business professionals are the worst at this self-absorbed “need” oriented communication.

Like when someone calls me who wants to get something from me or sell me something and they're not very experienced or polished at it.

The first thing I pick up on is their selfish agenda... and it instantly puts me on the defensive.

But if they've done their “homework” on me and what I'm looking for, and not what THEY WANT from me, when they talk it changes the whole situation the second they show me they've thought about what I want.

It's very simple but extremely powerful.

So let's take this concept directly back to communicating with men.

It might sound cliche', but you've got to learn to listen and understand where's he's at and where's he's coming from.

This cliche' is a around for a reason.

It works.

Patience, empathy and understanding are the first steps towards creating the relationship you dream about.

But you've got to be careful to not become the woman who gives him EVERYTHING and gets walked on.

Use your common sense and intuition to safeguard yourself - I know that your female perceptive abilities aren't used nearly enough, so put these strong tools to good use.

Step 3) How To Avoid Making The Big Mistake

Let me give you a vital piece of information when dealing with men...

Men are CLUELESS when it comes to identifying the things that are “obvious” to women in dating and relationships.

I would know. It's taken me ten years to begin to understand these things for myself - and I spend a LOT of time thinking about it.

Sorry though, I'm “spoken for”... (Oh Please, get over yourself Christian!!)

Ok, enough self-indulgent humor, back to you.

So we know men are AWFUL at initiating and participating in conversations about deep emotions and relationships.

Sorry to break the bad news, but it's almost always up to you to make this communication happen.

It's important to remember to approach the entire conversation from the perspective of talking about what you want AND what he wants.

If you can make a guy feel like you put his feelings and needs a priority in this conversation, and always consider what he wants, I promise he will LOVE YOU for it!

There's no rule that says you can't consider another persons opinions and feelings first in order to get what you want.

In fact, a key goal in negotiating is to let the other person talk first.

When you get to listen first, you ALWAYS have the advantage. You know exactly what the other person wants... and knowledge is influence and power.

I'm not saying you need to take on hard-core negotiating here with a man, but some of the same rules and principles about people and psychology apply.

When you talk to a man from a positive place of listening first, he will be 10,000 times more receptive to what you have to say and what you want once you bring it up than if you approach him from a place of feeling hurt, communicate need and projecting fear and anxiety.

Try this instead.

Ask a positive question or give a positive statement such as, “Honey, I was thinking today that I was happy to be with you.”

It might sound submissive, corny or difficult to say to someone you're having a tough time with, but think about it...

If you're going through all the trouble to worry so much about the future with this person, this is already what you're thinking.

You might want to check out what could be the world's best collection of ideas, strategies, insights and research on the subject of how to avoid the Big Mistakes, and other big mistakes in my ebook, “Catch Him And Keep Him”.

It's full of specific ways to communicate with a man that will instantly amplify the attraction he feels for you and help move things quickly and smoothly from “casual” to “committed” in no time flat.

I've spent the better part of the last year making sure my ebook will give you REAL WORLD ANSWERS and solutions to the things you're dealing with when it comes to men.

Go check it out right now:

Click Here For Your Free Newsletter And eBook Download

Your Friend,

Christian Carter

three times as hard?

2007-08-04T20:46:00.001-07:00

i heard that black crowes song on the radio the other day, where chris robinson sings "twi-i-ice as ha-ard, as it was the first time, i said goodbye..." i like that band. i like that song. but of course it made me think...was it twice as hard the second time? is it three times as hard the third time?

here's the thing. it wasn't twice as hard to say goodbye the second time, it was more like half as hard because i already experienced it not working out once, survived that, and knew going into it the second time that it not working out was a possibility. so now i don't know how it will be if it doesn't work out this time.

will it? i don't know. it's wonderful when we spend time together. i so enjoy his company, his sense of humor, his affection...it's when we're not together that i start to freak out a little. why hasn't he called? is he OK? are we OK? where is this going? do we want the same things? or am i treading water here? i feel like it's such a stereotypical "chick" move to do the whole "we need to talk" thing, but i realize i need some sense of security about this in order to continue on with it. i've gone into this with my eyes open and my heart open but i'm also keenly aware of my need to protect myself so it isn't twice or three times as hard for me if it doesn't work out...again. i know i'm stronger and my life is in a much better place since the second time around, so i feel confident i can roll with whatever comes. it's just hard for me to not know. i'm trying to increase my tolerance for ambiguity, but i still have work to do in that area. but at the same time, given that it is round three, i think i'm justified in wanting to know where this is or isn't going...

stay tuned...

well...

2007-07-21T14:39:00.000-07:00

it's going. well, that is...

the superstitious side of me is afraid to talk about it, to "jinx" it.

the hopeless romantic side of me is positively giddy.

the pragmatic side of me is worried, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

i don't know what's going to happen here. i haven't pushed a conversation to define this yet. but the overly analytical side of me will only be able to bite my tongue for so long.

so we'll see. in the meantime, i've had to decide how to handle other potential datees. i've put my "it's just a midday meal" (and a huge waste of cash) membership on hold...and here is my recent exchange with a lovely, 40 year old, wildly intelligent-seeming divorced father of one from denver with whom i've been e-mailing for about a month through nerve.com...(we contemplated meeting in SD this summer...not an idea i'd usually entertain, but this guy definitely piqued my interest...)

---------------------------------------------------
> Sender: J
> To: B
> Date: Jul 20, 2007 3:12 pm PST
>
> hi b!
>
> i'm home now too, finally -- i do enjoy traveling, but there is something to be said about being at home in your own bed!
>
> so, i want to be honest with you. someone from my past has recently re-entered my life...i'm skeptical but for the moment seeing where it goes. i'm excited at the prospect of meeting you, but i want to be totally upfront with my situation (literally changing as of the last three weeks!). i feel like honesty/candor is rare in the world of online dating but it's really important to me.
>
> not sure how that strikes you, but i would like to stay in touch (and even possibly meet) depending on how things unfold.
>
> hope all is well with you and that i hear from you again at some point!
>
> cheers -- j

J--

I know exactly what you mean about being home, although right now jumping on a plane to somewhere cooler is VERY appealing! We're going to be in the mid-90s for at least the next week..... Fall is my favorite time of year, with cooler temperatures being a major appeal!

I appreciate your candor! Although drat on the timing--I was just about up to asking if you have floor space available! That has to be an interesting dynamic--I've not experienced it in the sense that I've never (to this point, at least!) gotten involved again with someone I was with previously. Not entirely sure why, but.......

So yes, let's stay in touch! And I'd love to meet sometime! (Who wouldn't want to meet you?)

And also to be candid, part of me wishes you the best with whoever is returning, and part of me doesn't........

-B

semi-redemption

2007-07-13T15:29:00.001-07:00

so yeah, he was a day late and a dollar short...but he did call and apologize. the first time he called on the 12th my voicemail was full (verified by me), but he called again later and we had a nice chat. and he offered to pick me up at the airport and do something special for my birthday so we'll see.

i keep thinking my friends and family probably think i'm unwise to go down this road again. but i know i'm smart and i've learned a lot over the past few years and heaven knows i've "tried" to date other people (and in some cases i actually have...e.g., Andy, Eric)...but something really strong has kept pulling us back to one another for over five years...so we shall see.

more soon, i'm sure.

~md

the day after

2007-07-12T15:25:00.000-07:00

hmmm....i don't see "forgetting your birthday" on this list, perhaps it's sign # 6...

http://dating.personals.yahoo.com/singles/relationships/3/five-breakup-signs

good news is, i had a happy birthday here in north carolina!

~ md

excellent headline

2007-07-11T07:06:00.000-07:00

on the anniversary of my birth, i found this headline especially fitting:

"Kool & the Gang says there's no age limit on Cool"

yeah baby!!

didn't stir up any trouble in barbados (save perhaps inspiring a small crush or two), but had a wonderful time with dad.

did get a sweet text message from a certain gentleman asking me "R u back yet?" note that this is the first text message said gentleman had ever sent. very sweet.

is the third time the charm?

2007-07-01T22:02:00.000-07:00

or am i just a big fat idiot for opening myself up to this person again?

our third first date was a fairytale. amazing dinner, fun show (at the same place where we had our first first date five years ago, coincidentally), a ride to the airport the next morning with a big smoochy romantic send-off.

but now i'm on the east coast getting ready to take a much-needed vacation and i'm feeling unsure and possibly a bit regretful. fear, i guess. was the date an isolated event or potentially the start of something? i suppose i won't really know until i get back. at least i'll have white sand beaches and clear blue water to distract me in the meantime...oh, and probably some rum. ; )

~ md

what i'd need...

2007-06-22T02:29:00.000-07:00

...to possibly make this work:

1) i'd need to know that you love me.
2) i'd need to know that you are not pining for someone else. yes, that someone else.
3) i'd need to know that we want the same things.
4) i'd need to know that you are committed to at least trying to make this work, even though i now you can't control all the factors...who can?
5) i'd need to know you found me again because you are ready. really ready. and that it will be different this time because now is the right time.

tall order. i think i'll keep my options open and try with all my might not to get my hopes up about this...again...

~md

i wonder...

2007-06-12T01:03:00.000-07:00

...if this gentleman has a career in marketing?

this appeared in my yahoo personals inbox today...note that he is 59 y.o...

Hi J***,

I'm a very active, athletic, liberal, youthful, normal, sincere, kind, generous, confident, even-tempered, part rebel, 6'2", basketball player, business owner (legal svc), non-religous, jewish homeowner in La Jolla / San Diego, with a sense of humor, divorced 8-yrs. with a 18yr old Chinese daughter away at colllege. Traveled in China, H.K., Korea, Japan, Okinawa, Mexico, Canada, West Indies, Hawaii and most of the U.S.

Seeking love and marriage with a happy, optimistic, liberal, slender to average, attractive, younger woman with personality, interested in building a family in San Diego.

If you like movies, dining out, parks, parties, art, sports, road trips, travel, cultural events, world events and family outings, pls contact me at [phone #] or [email address].

Wow! I appreciate the honesty, but maybe it's TMI for an introductory e-mail?

Online dating is fun.

~ md

what happens in vegas...

2007-06-10T23:29:00.000-07:00

just returned from a lovely weekend jaunt to sin city, or whatever its slogan is these days.

lots of sun, fun, cocktails, gambling and good food (i highly recommend this place at the palms...though we didn't feel like waiting in line for the clubs there so i didn't get to totally live out my "real world" fantasy). but it was the perfect antidote to the crazy weeks i've been having at work...which aren't over yet. (at least i have a solid start on my base tan for barbados in july! : )

as far as any dirt...well, let's just say that a weekend with my dear fwb AP reminded me of a quote from one of my favorite movies, "o brother where art thou," when they are in the woods and haven't eaten for a while:

Delmar: "Care for some gopher?"
Everett: "No thank you, Delmar. A third of a gopher would only arouse my appetite without beddin' her back down."

ah well...we shall see what the summer in san diego has to offer... ; ) ~md

honesty...is such a lonely word

2007-05-10T14:06:00.000-07:00

well, here's what went down. seems to be OK. i really wish a few guys had done this with me instead of leaving me to wonder (in this case, he is J):

J: so is silence a good thing...
me: hey there
me: to be honest, i'm not sure.
me: as much as i wanted it to be there, i'm not sure i experienced the chemistry/click thing we talked about. i'm still processing the experience in my mind. certainly i enjoyed actually meeting you and talking to you and sharing a glass of wine with you. but beyond that, i'm just not sure. don't know if that helps, i just want to be open with you about where i'm at. i personally find it frustrating when i feel left to figure it all out on my own.
J: well that is okay, sometimes it happens and others times it doesnt
J: i was still very nice to have met u
J: and i wish u the best in ur search
J: take care
J: :)

ah well. maybe next time...

~md

I shaved my legs for this?

2007-05-08T19:37:00.000-07:00

I've been wanting to use that subject line for a while...though secretly at the same time hoping I would never feel the need to use it.

Ah well, cute subject line, your time has come.

The long awaited first date has come...and gone.

Note to guys, here are two questions not to ask me on the first date.

"Why are you still single?"
"Am I what you expected?"

Eek. I hate the first question because I feel it presupposes there must be something wrong with me. As in this case, he led into it by saying "you are clearly smart, attractive, funny -- why are you still single?" What am I supposed to say, something about a disease or Tourette's? I don't f*ing know, I met you on match.com because apparently I'm trying not to be single...what the f* kind fo question is that?

The second question also sucks because it puts you on the spot. As an intensely honest person, I'm not sure what to say. So I tell the truth: "in terms of your voice and personality, yep, you are pretty much what I'd imagined. But based on the black and white picture I saw of you in which you were wearing sunglasses, I formed a different image of what your face would look like. Not better, not worse, just different." What the hell am I supposed to say? "I should have listened to my friends who said never trust an ad with one picture!" Not that looks are everything, clearly they are not. But physical attraction is either there or it isn't, and if you look nothing at all like your photo (or, my bad, what I imagined from your photo), then that's unfortunate. And if you give off a vaguely gay vibe and you have one of those mafioso-like rings (gold with a big black oval) and a mafioso-like gold necklace (note, this individual is primarily of Irish extraction, not Italian at all), I'd say the physical reality is kind of working against you.

I don't know. All I do know is: no more long virtual courtships! I've learned that lesson in the past and hoped my radar (gaydar?) was working better this time around, but it seems that no matter the situation, that lesson holds. And besides, anyone who knows me -- could I ever date a guy that (literally, I'm not making this up) goes to bed by 8p and gets up at 4a to accommodate his global business operation? Not likely.

Back to the drawing board, peeps.

~md

the waiting is the hardest part...

2007-04-30T12:19:00.000-07:00

(thanks for that, mr. petty...)

J: 38 y.o., well-educated, CA native who has traveled, Cancer, 6'1," never married/no kids, likes wine, employed...

date of first contact (online personals): 10/8/2006

date of first instant message: 3/21/2007

date of first phone conversation: 3/27/2007

first scheduled first date: 4/2/2007 (cancelled due to work reasons)

second scheduled first date: 4/24/2007 (cancelled due to illness)

third attempt at scheduling first date: TBD...

the level of anticipation in relation to meeting this guy: through the roof!

of course i've had other dates over the past 6 months, but nothing too spectacular. one thing i've learned is to not wait too long before meeting someone, because in-person chemistry is what it all really comes down to in my book. we've just had bad luck...which will either result in monumentally bad luck when we meet (i waited 6 months for this?!?) or perhaps something good....we shall see...

girl time

2007-04-19T10:33:00.000-07:00

not too much to report from my world...back at work after a 10 day cross-country voyage. reconnecting with several of my very close girlfriends this spring and it's making me feel very happy and grounded.

funny story (for the ladies): i had my annual girl doctor appointment on tuesday...we should all be keeping up with those and getting our parts checked at least once a year (in addition to our own monitoring at home...ok, end of PSA). my doctor, Alissa, has gone from full-time to half-time so the exam room isn't as nice. she's doing the "fun" part of the exam, and she looks up at the light fixture and says, with a straight face (i kid you not): "I don't like this room, the fluorescent light is just not flattering..." : ) : ) ; ) : )

it was all i could do to not laugh myself right off the table.

in other news...i promised myself i would go on at least two dates before i even think of reconnecting with mr. blast from the past who called me the other week. i had one of those dates and it was "meh." i think i insulted the guy by suggesting that getting out of san diego might do him some good ("i go fishing in minnesota each summer with my dad and uncles," he replied, making me realize that i sounded pretty judgmental...but i also think it showed me how much i value guys with a broader range of life experiences). the second one keeps getting rescheduled due to my travel, his travel and both of our busy jobs but i think we're on for next Tuesday. i'll keep you posted. it's not for lack of interest on either of our parts i don't think...when we talk on the phone, i get kinda giggly and excited and he gets a bit nervous and dry-mouthed, so there is some weird form of chemistry there thus far. but the in person is what really matters, so hopefully we'll meet face to face sometime soon.

off to portland, OR this weekend for more QT with my GF's...can't wait!

cancellations, mixed messages, and blasts from the past

2007-04-03T21:14:00.000-07:00

well, the past few weeks have been interesting. i almost had three dates, but in the end, didn't have any.

one guy has kids and ended up keeping them longer than expected due to his ex-wife's travel schedule.

in another case, the guy and i mixed our signals -- i thought we were on for sat eve, he thought we were on for sat afternoon. we agreed to reschedule.

lastly, a seemingly promising candidate and i had a plan to meet on monday after he finished a big presentation...but his presentation went so well they invited him to come back and discuss contract terms, project scope, etc., so he had to cancel.

so now i'm out of town for 10 days (greetings from the nation's capitol, by the way). we'll see if any of those happen when i get back.

at least i'll get to see some friends and colleagues on this trip...and maybe even meet a few new folks, who knows, as i conference-hop from here to chicago before returning to SD. we shall see.

i'm also going to use these 10 days to try not to think about the blast from my past who reappeared out of nowhere about a week ago. someone i've never blogged about. the one i thought was "the one." the one who i have attempted to be in a serious relationship with twice now but who has both times pulled the plug because he wasn't able to "do" it -- commit to it, overcome his issues with depression to really be a part of it, let his guard down enough, feel like he deserved to be loved....whatever. while on the surface it is easy to point to those words and say well, obviously, she's smart enough not to go back....it's hard to forget that feeling of connection with someone that, despite my many attempts at dating, i haven't felt in quite a long time. oy vey. i have good memories and bad memories of our time together, but mostly i remember him handing me a glass of wine and making me dinner on friday nights after i'd had a long week of working and being held by the fire while we watched some indie flick. boy do i miss that.

well it's late here. time to go to sleep. and think about other things. ~md

who knew...

2007-03-21T23:05:00.001-07:00

K-Fed was on Yahoo Personals?

This guy winked at me today...

"I am searching for a down to mars nefertitti. I am still at an age where looks are important. I am a dancer, a chess nerd, and an artist in a few different ways. I am also doing my best to be a dad. my daughter was a beautiful suprize so hopefully you baby daddy haters can give some credit because i chose to take her in anyway, so show some sense! there ARE NOT MANY men who would do that. SO... im looking for rhythym, brains, wit, and spirituality. prefferably afrocentric, but i know i cant have everything. please UNDER 160 lbs. and under 35. I am looking for something geniuine, but i have no problem casually dating. I have so many ideas to give in the name of love to "the one" its overwhelming, so if you like intelligent passion. show me yours, and i WILL show you mine. Im all about balancing a womans actions. and doing a 1up. if your checking me out thank you for your time."

delayed reaction(s)

2007-03-18T12:36:00.000-07:00

received a call from this guy yesterday...he wanted to go for a run or walk in mission bay park. but i had to decline as i was up in the O.C. with my mom and nephew....and i'd already run 6 mi that day (yay me!) so i had no interest in further exercise! not sure if i'll follow up with him or not.

received an e-mail the other day from a mutual friend telling me that this guy (see "piece de resistance") was now single and i should plan to attend a meeting in New Mexico we'd all be at...not sure if he has scoop specific to me, but i have a fair amount of travel on the horizon so i'm not sure about adding another trip...though one of my roommates from college lives out that way...

there's another guy...a friend of friends...we've had a flirty text-messaging relationship for a few months, was expecting to see him at a st. patty's day party yesterday but didn't...but he wrote me an (uncharacteristically) sweet message apologizing for not being there with x's and o's.

so who knows, not expecting much out of these connections, but it's at least some diversion for now. as i said here, it's nice to at least have something on the horizon...

~md

mr. vague strikes again, pt 2

2007-03-15T16:53:00.000-07:00

i had a great day on wed, and i was all emboldened by the article i posted, so i thought, i'm gonna give Mr. Sat night a call....why not?

here's what i get back later that night:

Got your voice mail message.  Welcome back--
I hope that you had a good trip.

Here is info on an event this
weekend [at a place we visited on our date].
I would like to go, but I have plans to go
to Malibu this weekend.


Hope you have a good visit with your mom.

J

Um, does any know what to make of this?  Is this yet
another lovely case of "I'm just not that into you?"

Is it officially time for me to stop trusting my instincts?

Oy vey.

~J

article

2007-03-14T16:34:00.000-07:00

i skimmed this article today, expecting to find something that irked me...but in the end, i think it reflects a nice male perspective on many issues i blog about.

and makes me think that maybe i should e-mail the saturday night guy tomorrow if i don't hear from him...he could be a little scared of rejection too.

see what you think.

from http://health.yahoo.com/experts/menlovesex/22610/are-women-too-aggressive

With marriage rates dropping faster than ratings for The Apprentice-we're down more than 50 percent since 1970, according to the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University, with approximately 100 million singles in the U.S.-it's no wonder that we spend a lot of time thinking, talking and debating the quality of our relationships. In fact, more than 40 percent of both men and women say they spend at least two hours every day thinking about their current or potential relationships. (Scary fact: About 10 percent of us spend more than six hours every day doing so, according to a national Harris Interactive poll.) One reason: Many of these relationships simply aren't panning out, as evidenced by the fact that fewer men and women are getting married. Doesn't matter whose fault it is-men's, women's, or nobody's. We're just simply not making it to this stage of commitment as often as we used to.

Now, you could argue that's a good thing (because, of course, you shouldn't settle in with just anyone), and you could argue that it's a bad thing (because of the decline in the traditional familial infrastructure). But one thing worth thinking about is how our dating and mating rituals have changed over the years-and how that's changed our approach to commitment.

One trend that men have been grappling with: Figuring out their roles in relationships as women have become increasingly financially independent, increasingly sexually liberated, and increasingly determined not to let their biological clocks dictate their relationship status. Before you hurl e-tomatoes in my direction, hear me out: All those things can be good, but some men struggle with understanding the different levels of female aggression-how it may fluctuate at different stages of the relationship, and how it can be a turn-on in some situations and a turn-off in others.

Initially, for example, few things are as attractive to a man as a woman who's unafraid to pursue the guy she's interested in. But as the relationship grows, that same assertiveness can leave a man feeling like he's less in charge of his life than he'd like to be. Men tend to leave a lot of the life details-from social planning to family planning-to the women in their lives. So when a woman has all the power, and she asserts her new role as boss in many realms, it can leave men feeling a little, well, little. Hypocritical on a guy's part? Perhaps, but his feelings can easily change with the tide of relationships. I spoke to dozens of men about the different stages of their relationships, and what behaviors they rank as too aggressive or "just right." But I'd also love to hear your thoughts. When does assertiveness change from a deal-maker to a deal-breaker?

Relationship Point: The Approach
Guys' Take: Women Aren't Aggressive Enough

For a long time, men have upheld the role of the hunters. Women? The rejectors. Doesn't matter whether that initial approach happens at a bar, a bookstore, a coffee shop, or at the drive-thru intercom, guys who have spent their lives dreaming up opening lines and innovative approaches feel like decade-old carpets-they're just plain worn down. The ultimate rejuvenator: A woman who's unafraid to hunt the hunter.
Relationship Point: The Link
Guys' Take: Women Can Be Too Aggressive

When it comes to new relationships, some women can have the same strategy as food marketers: They want to slap labels on everything. Exclusive! Just Dating! Friends Only! 100% Completely Committed! Lots of guys don't mind the status, and they're fine with the natural progression of dating. But guys also hate premature enunciation-a declaration of the label too early in the relationship. Pushing too hard early can quickly turn his excitement about the relationship into an indictment of it.
Relationship Point: The Hook Up
Guys' Take: Women Aren't Aggressive Enough

Men certainly have long lists when it comes to their bedroom wants: a little more of this, a lot more of that, fat-free whipped cream please. But if there's one thing that men really crave in the bedroom, it's not a certain position, or even a certain act. It's a certain attitude. What many men want when it comes to sex is for women to show a little more assertion, aggression, and initiation. In the aforementioned national survey, only 25 percent of men rate their current partners as an 8 or higher on a 1-10 scale of sexual aggressiveness, while 60 percent of men say that's the level they'd like her to be. Many guys feel that if his mate is confident in the bedroom, he's more likely to stick with her beyond the bedroom walls.
Relationship Point: The Plateau
Guys' Take: Women Can Be Too Aggressive

Every long-term relationship reaches the point when the routines, the dialogue, the sex, the everything can feel more predictable than a Paula Abdul critique. But that doesn't mean the relationship's bad; it just means it's steady. While 92 percent of men say they want to marry, that doesn't always happen. Why? For one reason, men sometimes feel like, if the relationship is a car trip, they've been kicked out of the driver's seat and thrown in the trunk. Most guys want to have a say in the speed and direction the relationship is going, and the minute they sense that women are grabbing the wheel-as opposed to sharing the driving responsibility-then they feel lost. Case in point: in the survey for Men, Love & Sex, the number-one thing that men said bothered them about their partners was how much they nagged. When a woman applies a lot of pressure on a guy-whether it's to fix his bad habits or convince him to have babies-it simply feels suffocating.
Relationship Point: At the Crossroads
Guys' Take: Women Tend to be Just Right

Some relationships work out perfectly: boy meets, dates, and marries girl. Some relationships work perfectly imperfectly: boy meets, dates, and dumps girl (or is dumped by girl). But lots of relationships fall into the limbo category where neither partner knows whether the relationship elevator is going up or down. In those cases, the woman often forces the man's hand: Are you in, or out? For which, we thank you: Sometimes a guy needs that kick to get him moving-either down the aisle, or down the road.

juxtaposition....and instincts

2007-03-13T20:18:00.000-07:00

well, on saturday night i had a great date.

on sunday afternoon, i had a horrible date.

it's not normal for me to have two dates in one weekend, but there was finally a breakthrough with the skittish guy from match.com on thursday and we set something up for sunday.

then on friday this interesting-seeming fellow contacted me through yahoo. since i'd canceled my subscription with them, i had to write him back pretty quickly because the next day i would be cut off. so i did, and he wrote to me saturday, mentioning that his plans for that night were still up in the air, i said mine were too and we were both interested in going to the art walk that takes place near my house once a month. (he lives about 20 minutes north near the beach.) so we made a plan, met for dinner, and walked through the galleries and listened to some live music. he was interesting to talk to, a bit cuter than i expected, tall, funny, liberal, intelligent, and very into music as am i. and...he was born in philadelphia and is an eagles fan! when he told me he had completed 100 hours of massage therapy school (though he currently works as an engineer), i was like, where do i sign?!? ; ) a few years older than me, never married, no kids. after a really enjoyable evening (we spent over 3 hours together which is long for a first date), he walked me to my car. i mentioned that i was glad things worked out for us to meet that night and he agreed. we hugged and he kissed me on the cheek. we kind of stumbled over the "next steps," both saying we would like to see each other again. i offered that maybe we could get together sometime after i returned from a two-day work trip, he said that sounded good, and i said "give me a call next week then." i leaned in for another hug, pulled back a bit, and we gave each other a gentle peck on the lips, followed by yet another hug -- certainly the chemistry seemed to be there! he said goodbye and i drove away feeling happy the date had gone well but sad that it was over. (though happy that it ended the way it did, innocently.)

fast forward to sunday afternoon. i'm pretty tired from a long week and my increased physical activity of late, plus we sprang forward an hour. i debated cancelling, but didn't want to be rude to do so on such short notice...and in some superstitious area of my mind feared upsetting the gods of dating karma, so i followed through. met this fellow at a cafe in my old neighborhood with a plan to walk through balboa park. it was a gorgeous, warm, sunny day. i could pretty much tell when we first saw each other that there was no click and i found him less attractive than i expected. he was also my height, and had made some offhanded comment about not realizing how tall i was until we were planning to meet. we are less than 5 minutes into a walk that ends up taking about an hour and this exchange ensues:

me: "you are part of that track club. the group i'm training for this half marathon with is going to do a run with your group sometime this spring."
him: "yeah, i think we did that last year, a 20 mile run."
me: "well since i'm only training for the half, i doubt i'll be doing a 20 mile run anytime soon. 13.1 sounds better to me than 26.2 at this point, even though the training is going well so far."
him: "well, you certainly weren't built to run 26 miles."
me: (startled) "wow, um, i'm trying pretty hard not to be offended by that statement."
him: "well, you know, some people are built to run, and some people are built for other things."

?!??!?!?!??!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! WTF? what a freakin' jerk!

now, i know i tend more toward "curvy" than "athletic and toned" though i consider myself a nice mix of both of those body types, and depending on my level of physical activity, i tend to move between the two. i've been running 3-4 days a week now for 6 weeks, so i feel good about the fact that i'm moving toward the "athletic and toned" side of my particular continuum. and one thing i've learned through team in training is that marathoners and half marathoners come in all shapes, sizes, and colors, and if i signed up for the full instead of the half and i followed the program, i could do it! but at this point in my life, 13.1 feels right to me.

in the end, who cares about this guy. but it is frustrating when you talk with someone over e-mail, and then the phone, and then meet in person to find your instincts were pretty far off. (he continued to make a bunch of really negative statements during our over-long walk -- i was ready to smack him by the time we got back to where our cars were parked.)

and then to feel like my instincts were so on about the other person...haven't yet heard from him but i just got back in town this evening. i know i'm impatient, but i feel like i just want to know whether or not my instincts were right that he felt our date was actually pretty special and if we'll meet again or not so i can just let it go. perhaps if i don't hear from him i'll send a short e-mail. we shall see. it seems like with spring on its way, things are picking up in the online dating world so who knows what lies ahead.

but there is nothing like an awful date the day after a good date to make you realize the difference between the two. let's just hope that this world of dating isn't so convoluted that i end up learning not to trust my instincts anymore. to me, that would be sad, because they've served me so well in my life thus far...

~md

since when did...

2007-03-06T22:14:00.000-08:00

...wanting to talk to someone on the phone become "forward?"

this has happened to me more than once in the past few weeks, where someone writes to me, whether on a personals website or, in one case, on myspace. i propose that we talk on the phone, as i have a theory that our e-mail persona is one thing, a phone persona is another thing (closer to the actual), and the in-person is of course the real deal -- and they balk at the suggestion of talking on the phone. one person even wrote "I'll give you a call," but since I hadn't given him my number, I sent it to him, and when we met in person he said "do you always give your phone number out to guys you meet online?" i had to look back at our e-mails to realize that my response should have been, "well how the hell did you expect to call me if I didn't give it to you?!?" and then i've been e-mailing with another person and i proposed that we talk on the phone and he balked and now we're trapped in a conversation spiral that keeps bouncing back and forth between running and work. and then there is another person who, after a few e-mails were exchanged, asked my for my number, i sent it to him, and he did has yet to e-mail back or call (it's been a week). so random! perhaps i need to improve my quality control, but i seem to be getting the sense that there is a new set of "rules" governing when you e-mail versus when you switch to phone to when you meet in person. i think it's all kind of crap because the only way you are going to know whether there is any click is by meeting in person. maybe you can screen some people out by e-mail or phone conversations, but i'm not sure that's the best way to make judgments. i don't know....i guess in the end it all comes back to the fact that someone who is really a good fit for me probably won't be intimidated by the idea of talking to me on the phone.

oy vey.

~md

more yahoo headlines...

2007-03-03T18:56:00.000-08:00

haven't done this in a while, but spotted a few winners today...

straight from the yahoo personals:

“lonely guy needs a lonely gal or two”

“darrel_ (hot)”

“Am Seeking For A True Love”

“I got nothing”

“Help me, help you...”

“Ladies, I enjoyed The Notebook”

“Hello Every one”

“WHY NOT ME ??”

“Something subtle for the Ladies!”

“I DIVE DOWN ... Wanna be my ocean?”

“funny but not funny looking”

“like milfs”

“Buff nerd here....”

“Lest's start from the begining.”

“fun with wood”

“Teddy Bear Needs Diving Pal to Fly Kite”

“happiness=old woman falling off a donkey”

the healing power of music

2007-02-25T19:48:00.000-08:00

The iPod chose this song for me on my drive back from LA this evening...thank you iPod...

Sometimes I feel like I can’t even sing (say, say, the light)
I’m very scared for this world
I’m very scared for me
Eviscerate your memory
Here’s a scene
You’re in the back seat laying down
The windows wrap around
To sound of the travel and the engine
All you hear is time stand still in travel
and feel such peace and absolute
The stillness still that doesn’t end
But slowly drifts into sleep
The stars are the greatest thing you’ve ever seen
And they’re there for you
For you alone you are the everything

I think about this world a lot and I cry
And I’ve seen the films and the eyes
But I’m in this kitchen
Everything is beautiful
And she is so beautiful
She is so young and old
I look at her and I see the beauty
Of the light of music
The voices talking somewhere in the house
Late spring and you’re drifting off to sleep
With your teeth in your mouth
You are here with me
You are here with me
You have been here and you are everything

huh?

2007-02-24T10:05:00.001-08:00

OK. So on Thursday I met a fellow I've been corresponding with...on myspace of all places...he found me, and was surprisingly cute and not creepy. (That's a first for me on that site -- I don't really see it as a dating venue as much as a way to keep up with a few distant friends, bands and comedians.) We talked for about an hour and a half, surprisingly comfortably, like we'd known each other for a while already. (Similar backgrounds culturally and educationally probably added to that sense of familiarity.) I found him attractive in person, though I wouldn't characterize it as sparks flying. But as far as first dates go, it was really quite enjoyable and left me definitely interested in getting to know this fellow more. Turned out he had to return a camera (he's a filmmaker on the side) to someone later the night we met, so he needed to go. We walked outside, he gave me a hug, said "this was fun, we should do it again sometime," asked where my car was, I reminded him I'd walked to the venue. He said, ok, well I'm this way, talk to you soon. Important note here: it was raining, i.e., I needed an umbrella raining. I said OK and walked away. Seemed odd and perhaps a sign of bad manners that he didn't offer to drop me off given that it was raining, but maybe that could be forgiven. Weirder though was the really good-feeling date and then the abrupt ending. Feeling confused, i sent a short e-mail the next day, his reply follows:

From: J
To: Z

was that a date?

either way, i enjoyed meeting you,

j
---------------------
From: Z
To: J

No, it was a date, though usually you've met and have some sense of the person's 'way' or personality beforehand. Not a blind date, not a typical one (partially-sighted date?).

Great to meet you, too. It's good to get out there and meet new people.

Z

Huh? I'm more than happy to chalk this up to "he's just not that into you," and maybe I should be relieved because the last thing I need is someone who might have not great manners. But I'm still confused. It was "great" to meet you, but the value lies in "getting out there and meeting new people?" Whatever, I'm willing to just let this one go, I guess it's just frustrating because I felt we really connected in our conversation and had some significant things in common that, given my experiences, can be a good thing over time. Who knows.

In other news, I got a call from "It's Just a Midday Meal." They had a new match for me, he sounded pretty great ("on paper" anyway), they found a time we were both free, picked a time and location, all set. The next day they call me back to say the date is cancelled, they are going to try to find someone else to set me up with, this guy has decided to put his membership on hold because he's found someone he's interested in. That's all well and good, and of course has nothing to do with me, but it's a little perplexing to me that he figured that out within 12 hours of setting up our date. Weird.

Someday my luck will change, I know it. But if I ever find the person whose past life sins I'm repenting for, we are going to have words.

; ) ~md

my funny valentine

2007-02-14T10:09:00.000-08:00

i've been so busy at work this week that i haven't had much time to think about 2/14. which is a good thing.

but on my way into work today, i passed by a former flame in my car. (well, "flame" may be a bit overstated in this case...we were more like friends who kissed each other.) i honked the horn and he kind of half turned and i wasn't sure if he knew it was me. so i called him, in part to let him know it was me and in part to razz him a bit for not returning my calls or text messages. (i'm not trying to rekindle things -- there goes the fire reference again! -- but we've been threatening to meet for sushi for a few weeks and haven't made it happen yet.) he answered, laughing, saying he figured out it was me, and asked me how i was doing. i said i would be doing better after today was over, and he said he felt the same way. then he told me that he was telling his best friend that he wanted to call me to meet for sushi but was afraid to call me this week because of this so-called "holiday." he didn't want me to think he was trying to capitalize on it or something like that. "i told him i'd call you next week, just to be safe," he said. it's hard for me to capture why and how that was so funny in words, but basically he was sharing that guys are terrified of valentine's day, whether single or not. i've noticed that three potential online date connections have gone cold on me this week and i was starting to feel a bit paranoid. but maybe it's just that they are going to wait until this day (or even week) passes so no one gets confused. somehow it was reassuring to understand that this day freaks guys out too, though perhaps in a different way than i feel. ah, the psychology of dating, endlessly fascinating.

eat some chocolate for me today, peeps. xo, md

really?

2007-02-12T17:09:00.000-08:00

this gem of a message appeared in my match.com inbox today...

Good day. I was cleaning out my inbox and got a pleasant surprise. My assistant sent your profile. Great little smile.

-J

does this strike anyone else as obnoxious and/or condescending?

~md

just get me to next thursday

2007-02-10T19:39:00.000-08:00

no long rants about the upcoming hallmark holiday.

but between all the unsolicited e-mails advertising gifts and flowers and the incessant jewelry advertisements on the radio, let's just say i'll be happy when 2/15 rolls around.

~md

(p.s., if anyone comments something to the effect of "just be happy with who you are" prepare for my wrath. ; )

is this a c-o-n spiracy?

2007-02-03T10:51:00.000-08:00

(points to anyone who knows what movie that title line is from...)

well, i wish i had more to report.

never heard from the gas station guy referenced in my last post.

and here's a sample of my experiences on match thus far:
1) first guy i e-mail with: sends me his number in response to my message (unsolicited), i call him once and leave a nice message, he never calls me back. now his profile is hidden.
2) another guy i e-mail with, interested in what kind of movies i like and the work i do, proposes a coffee date, asks me what days would work for me, i send him a few possible days, never hear back from him. now his profile is hidden.
3) most recently, i wink at a guy, he writes back that he'd rather talk than e-mail, sends me his number, a little phone tag and then we finally talk, have a great conversation (i've actually met his high school math teacher in the course of my grad school research, who apparently was a bad teacher when this fellow was in high school and i confirm that 20 years later he still is pretty lousy at his chosen profession, lots of laughter ensues), he says he wants to meet up when he gets back from being away over the weekend and says he'll call when he returns. that was over a week ago, haven't heard from him.

and, for me, the piece de resistance, i have an e-mail flirtation/music exchange with a nice, single, smart, tall, cute, 36 year old funny gentleman in the same line of work as me...he comes to where i work with a big group of visitors, i'm feeling a bit of a flirty vibe from him...but in the end, there is really nothing there. i'm kinda bummed about that, though the experience reminded me how important it is to keep my expectations in check. that one seemed like it might have had potential, but ah well.

i know i don't have a ton of patience, but it's hard sometimes when i feel like other folks are successfully pursuing relationships and starting families and i feel like i'm being left behind. i try to keep those feelings in check and remember all the wonderful things in my life. but sometimes it's hard, that's all. but i'm trying to find new things to do that i enjoy (hopefully this will be one of them) and we shall see what the universe has in store for me.

in the meantime, if anyone has a theory about the match-dot-com-spiracy i seem to be experiencing, feel free to share.

~md

a funny thing happened on the way into work...

2007-01-23T11:18:00.000-08:00

i was heading into work today, a bit late (as usual -- when is that adult able-to-get-up-early gene going to kick in for me? maybe not until i have a kid and i have no other choice!) and i needed to stop for gas. after filling up, i was pulling out of the station and this man was looking at me. i looked at him, and put my hand up to wave (i'm friendly by nature). then it occurred to me -- early 40's, prius, wait, i've met this guy! so i stop and back up and put my window down. "hi," i say. "hi, how are you?" he says. we kind of look at each other for a minute. "oh yeah, you live in this neighborhood, i forgot," i say. he says, "are you on your way to work?" i nod. then, remembering what my friend e said in his comment to my last post, sometimes you just have to go for it. so i say "we should meet for coffee sometime. i really enjoyed talking with you." he says, "yeah, that would be great. i think i still have your number. but just in case why don't you give it to me again?" he takes out the cell phone, and from one car to the other i recite my digits. he reads them back to me. "yup, you got it." "great," he says. "well, have a wonderful day," i say, "bye!" and i head off to work.

the backstory here is that about 8 months ago, on the suggestion of a dear co-worker and my amazing massage therapist, i decide to join this thing...let's call it "it's just a midday meal" for fear of getting sued. (i actually refer to it as "it's just a mortgage payment" to my friends.) they promise "busy professional successful singles who want to date but just don't have time!" in my experience, save a few, it's been more like "guys who really have trouble meeting women but are willing to plunk down some cash to have a few dates!" i think i've had 8 or 9 or my 15 promised dates, and maybe one or two i've wanted to see again. well, mr. gas station today was the one i wanted to see again the most. (see rule #3 for more on this.) we had pretty much arranged the second date at the end of our first date but i never heard from him and never got his contact information. the IJAMM people never heard back from him either, which is weird, because we are expected to call in with our "feedback" after every date so they can (purportedly) gain a clearer understanding of who and what you are looking for.

so who knows if i will hear from him this time, and if i don't, i guess it's just as well. but we don't get too many second chances, and as my "matchmaker" said when i called her today to share this funny story, "who knows, things seem to happen for a reason!" the ultimate cliche, of course, but cliches do come from somewhere...

again, as always, stay tuned...

~md

the trouble with online dating

2007-01-21T12:14:00.000-08:00

(i've been trying this theory out on a few of you lately, so forgive me if this feels redundant!)

let's start with a story.

a friend arranges a date for two of his friends. they meet. both are excited, intrigued by the other person, attracted to them. but both are a little hesitant -- does s/he think this is a date? does s/he think i'm attractive? is s/he having as much fun as i am?

after the date, one friend calls the matchmaker with praise. "you know me really well to set me up with that person, s/he was wonderful, but i'm just not sure s/he knew it was a date..."

other friend calls matchmaker. "wow, i really liked him/her, s/he was great, but i really don't think s/he was into me..."

enter matchmaking friend, who calls each of them and says, "you guys are idiots, you were both totally attracted to each other, now you take it from here!"

et voila, date #2 is arranged with much anticipation from both parties. (thanks for the anecdote, G, helped crystallize this idea that's been floating around my head for a while.)

maybe the moral of this story is clear. had these two individuals met online, who knows if they would have progressed to the second date. perhaps, both being great communicators and people who are willing to take risks, one or both would have reached out, but who knows?

but that's the thing with the internet. there's no intermediary. there's no matchmaker, no yenta. odds are those of us who are over 30 have been through at least one heartbreak, so we can be a little gun shy when it comes to making ourselves vulnerable to other people. so we often hold back a little, keeping our cards close to our respective chests. if both people do that, you can have a bit of a stalemate, and that nudge from the friend in common, the co-worker, the sibling, whoever, can be just what's needed.

and then there is the accountability piece as i've called it. when you just see someone's picture online, you don't know them or their friends or their coworkers or their siblings or whatever, then you have no sense of accountability beyond what you feel naturally toward people you don't know. it's so easy to be flaky, to blow people off, to be inconsistent, to not say thank you, whatever, because people online have no recourse. it seems to be an unwritten rule of online dating that anything goes and it's not acceptable to ask why...or at least if you do, you may not get a response.

i know people have met their beloved online, and that's great. but statistically speaking, you are still more likely to meet your mate through a friend or family member, at work, or at school. and i'm increasingly understanding why. that social glue is really important, and there's even some interesting sociological theory relevant to this (which also applies to job searching, go here if you are interested).

so i'm feeling like the lack of social glue makes online dating a total crapshoot. perhaps you'll get lucky and meet someone wonderful...either the chemistry will be obvious to you both, or one person will be willing to take a chance and let their interest be known. but when i look around my friends and the relationships they are in, looks like maybe 1 in 10 met online. the others met through a friend/colleague in common, they went to high school together, they met in their old neighborhood and the guy's brother gave just enough of a nudge to make things happen, i introduced them at a halloween party, they went to college together and ran into each other there several years later...and so on.

so if you know me, and you know someone interesting and cute and smart you think i might connect with, please feel free to let me know. in the meantime, i'll leave my profile up online, but i won't put all of my faith there.

~md

the decent date dilemma

2007-01-18T00:20:00.000-08:00

i've learned something new this week. although bad dates can be really crappy experiences, they tell you for certain that you don't want to see the person again. great dates will no doubt leave you waiting to hear from the person again, or willing yourself to wait a day or two before you contact them.

but what do you do about a "so-so" date? an "OK" date? even a "good not great" date?

i've had two good-not-great dates in the past two weeks and they leave me feeling uncertain. each of these guys was interesting, relatively attractive, not bad to spend 1.5 hours with. but there were no sparks, no imagining of what a gentle kiss would feel like with this person, no butterflies.

does that mean I should move on, or should i give it a second date to get a clearer perspective? first dates are so loaded. the last person i dated (ugh, E) i wasn't sure about after the first date, but there was enough there to make me curious, and seven months (and lots of great sex and great conversations) later, things didn't work out with us. but i did experience that feeling of how attraction can build with someone who is not your "type" or someone you aren't turned on by right away.

i talked with my friend G about this and she gave me what I think is some good advice, as it resonated with my gut instinct. "let it lie. if they contact you, and you want to see them again, a second date won't hurt." that sounds about right to me. others may disagree.

today i put one of my new year's resolutions into action...stay tuned to Thirteen Point One if you are at all interested...

~md

parking

2007-01-10T22:43:00.000-08:00

my wonderful co-worker (and officemate two days a week) offered some good advice, which i think she had received from her mom: "finding a mate is like looking for a parking spot. you circle around and around, but in the end, you only need one." i think she makes a good point.

the next day, i mentioned to her that i think i've been parking in the "emotionally handicapped" zone a bit too much lately. i'm going to try to stop doing that. wish me luck....

~md

um, happy new year?

2007-01-01T12:19:00.000-08:00

so, faithful readers (all four of you... : ),

after 7 months of only getting about half of what I want from E (companionship, physical affection but no commitment/future), I finally decided to end it. for real. the saturday before christmas. (seeing his active profile on match.com looking for women aged 21-26 kinda sealed the deal!) i went two weeks without talking to him, deleted his digits from my phone, and felt really good about my decision and my ability to stick to it. (being on the east coast surely helped a bit.)

so as a "start the new year on a positive, forgiving note" (not as an opening salvo to start this thing up again), i sent a nice, brief e-mail, making a joke that the sports gods seem to be looking favorably upon our parting as both of our favored football teams have risen up and are now playoff contenders. (i'd estimate that, in total, we spent about four of the seven months we dated watching sports together.) and wishing him a happy new year of course.

so this is the reply i receive today:

J,

Our parting is for the best. You need to find who you are looking for.

And I am still very much in love with (my ex-girlfriend).

Looking back, I jumped into the dating pool far too soon after she and
I split up. And, then, I jumped back into being her friend far sooner
than I could be, just her friend.

I have some work to do on my life.

I wish you a very happy, healthy, love-filled, New Year.

When someone exudes good energy and love the way you do, love has a way
of finding you.

E

Nice sentiment at the end there...but he doesn't inform me of these feelings until after I've broken up with him after 7 months of dating???? WTF? well, just HUGE reassurance that I made the right decision, but not the reply I was expecting! and here i thought his broken engagement 6 years ago was the reason for his apparent commitment-phobia. ah well.

on to the next contestant....jeremy from minneapolis, come on down!

more soon...

~md

holidaze

2006-12-03T19:34:00.000-08:00

not much to report from here.

still spending time, perhaps against my better judgment, with mr. not interested in marriage and/or kids.

still going out on dates (of which he is quite aware). nothing to write home about, or even to blog about of late.

still getting annoyed at the sheer volume of jewelry commercials on TV this time of year, which i'm convinced only make (some) guys feel guilty and (some) single women feel bad.

still planning to make the same new years resolutions again: to get back in shape and to try and be more zen about things (stop expecting things to be different than they are, live in the moment, enjoy every day, things will happen when/as they are meant to).

anyone else have thoughts about the holidays they wish to share?

~md

new rules

2006-11-03T12:20:00.000-08:00

no not those rules. don't even get me started on those. unless you want to see me get uncharacteristically angry.

more like bill maher's "new rules" -- now those are at least funny.

ok, so some rules.

rule #1: if single, look cute when you go to the grocery store. in the past week i've run into two cute single boy acquaintances, one at vons, one at Trader Joes. in both instances, i was pretty disheveled, tired from work, on my way home, not caring much about my appearance (or perhaps even my breath) at the end of the day. and then boom, on aisle 9, cute boy saying hi! yikes! both chance encounters resulted in a vague plan for "hanging out soon" so perhaps all was not lost. although with my assemblage of lean cuisine frozen meals, the very delicious new snack discovery known as guacachips, water, and feminine hygiene products, i'm not sure how good of an impression i actually made. (why did he have to line up behind me anyway?)

rule #2: if i dated your friend for 6 months but we never consummated the relationship, i am allowed to date you. (does this rule fly? i don't think i'll need to apply it, but one of the cute grocery store acquaintances referenced in rule #1 would be affected. i'll keep you posted. he did add me to his myspace already....we shall see!)

rule #3: if we have a first date that goes wonderfully well, we share appetizers, we share laughs, you are smart and cute in a hugh laurie kind of way, you ask for my information and talk of plans to go hear flamenco guitar together....don't NOT call. the fact that i have a fancy degree from a fancy institution is not an excuse to not follow through. (not that i always blame that, but everything seemed to be going swimmingly until he spied those three little letters after my name on my biz card.)

rule #4: if you are my friend's friend, and you live in the Bay Area, and i see you on the personals, and write you a friendly and slightly flirty message that says "hey, too bad we don't live in the same place, it'd be fun to meet for a beer" don't NOT write me back. that's just rude. i'm not proposing marriage and we live hundreds of miles apart. just man up and say hi. jeez, it wouldn't even cost you anything.

i think that's all for today though i'm sure there will be more after the weekend.

~md

readiness redux

2006-10-20T14:43:00.001-07:00

[behold the dialgoue between me (j) and one of my formerly affianced suitors (e)...]

e,

i'm mad at you. (just realized this of course.)

i'm mad at you because i think you'd make a great father and i'd love to see you in action.

i'm mad at you because i only have two free nights this week and i know i should use those evenings to go on dates with other people but i really want to see you.

i'm mad at you because in 5 months of dating and being intimate with me, your feelings about what you want relationship-wise doesn't seem to have changed in the slightest.

i'm not really mad at you. just mad that i still find myself in this incredibly tough situation where i think i should probably stop seeing you but i really don't want to. mad at myself that i don't want to stop. mad at myself for not being strong enough to stop.

not sure what to do at this point. maybe if you confirm for me that what you want hasn't changed at all i'll get more mad and realize it's not fair for you to be getting pretty much everything you want while I'm not getting everything I truly want. maybe then i'll find that strength and move on.

but i have a feeling you will really miss me if that happens though.

what say you?

- j

-----------------

j,

i want to call you now, but I know you are at work.

I don't blame you for being mad at me. you're right, our relationship is not fair. it wasn't fair the moment we revealed to each other we wanted different things and decided to continue to spend time together
anyway.

I've been fully expecting a day when you decide that what I'm willing and able to offer is not enough for you.

I look at you and see a woman who is beautiful, brilliant, driven, together - marriage material of the highest order and a great catch for
any man who is ready for exactly what you want.

but nothing but more time and more experience is going to get me to a point when I can honestly consider offering anyone the rest of my life.

it's because of the respect I have for that level of commitment that I know I'm not close to ready for it.

You're absolutely right. when you do decide (if you haven't already) that you're done spending time and energy on me - I will miss you. A lot.

But suppose I let that sway me, suppose I let myself get caught up in a passionate, romantic moment, and convince myself I'm ready, before I
truly am, (and I'm able to convince you of the same).

Is that a path that will lead to happiness for anyone?

You're wonderful, and you deserve someone who, when he meets you finds it hard to imagine living without you. You deserve that and much, much more.

And for what it's worth, I believe you will find that person sooner rather than later. I'm surprised you haven't already.

I care about you. I care about what happens to you. And I will respect whatever you decide you have to do.

-e
---------------

hi e,

i apologize for doing this over e-mail...i know it's
not the most sensitive way of handling intense stuff like this. but
i've been thinking about you and me and us all day and needed to put my
feelings out there for you. i appreciate your honest and thoughtful
response -- knowing more about where you are at helps me tremendously
and also helps lessen my sense of "rejection" in all of this -- while
intellecually I know it's not about you rejecting me, in my heart it
still feels that way when i can't get what i want. ; ) i haven't made
any decisions yet, i guess i need some time to think. i don't know,
perhaps you'll get tired of my pulling you close and then pushing you
away and the decision will be yours. but know that i do respect where
you are coming from even though i wish things were different.

i'll call or write soon. xo, j
------------------

j,

the fact that you feel compelled to apologize to me
for anything, let alone your rightful hard feelings...
plus your worrying about my experience of being pushed
and pulled by you (really, exactly what I knowingly
signed up for from the beginning) are just further
testaments to the quality of person I am dealing with.
(you are loving, nurturing,sensitive, thoughtful -
wonderful and awesome come to mind, too)

(if this were a movie, the audience would be wondering
how am I letting this chance pass...and why you're
so attached to me, anyway)

but the truth is, I love spending time with you. 
and I'll waste exactly as much of your time as you
let me...as you lover and as your friend, in that
order, until you tell me different.

-e

cross-referencing

2006-10-12T23:13:00.000-07:00

there has been some rather interesting cross-referencing...or shall i say "cross-blogging" lately. what, with DT's ode to women in their 30's (loved it!), fellow blogger tortaluga's highly relevant musings on dating guys who are in their 30's and MS's self-revealing posts and comments (look for the zombie squirrel), i suppose we're all in the same boat, though some of us are more like the coxswain up front calling the shots, and others of us feel like we are toward the back, having dropped our oar in the water, saying "what the hell am i supposed to do now?"

one time i joked to my good friend JS that we are like a controlled experiment in dating -- we're about the same age, have similar interests, similar backgrounds, etc. whereas i've been known to take a more "proactive" approach to dating, she has taken a somewhat passive approach. well, from the looks of it, she is faring better than me at all of this. perhaps i should rethink my strategy...

but the whole point of this post is to show that as i navigatated from blog to blog, i came across a passage from the very lucky, very sweet man who is currently making my friend smile. and it somehow perfectly addressed the flurry of blogging that i referenced above....without even trying.

not that there is any "recipe"...but it sounds to me like for us thirty-somethings to actually find happiness with each other takes equal parts wanting the same things, getting over our fears, feeling the chemistry, and some plain old good luck. it can't be forced if one of those key elements isn't there, and it sucks if two or three of them are there but the other one or two aren't. if you really like someone, it's probably worth sticking around for a little while to see if the other elements materialize, but i've learned from experience that change doesn't come easily, so at some point you need to just cut ties and move on. i think i'm about to get movin' again, but in the meantime, behold the sweet words of someone who seems to have figured this stuff out (edited slightly to protect the innocent):

"now, every now and then i'll get a little nervous around [her], probably because it's been a while since i've dated anyone more than a month and i half expect me to get bored and say, 'see ya'. but i don't feel that with [her]. with her i don't have those feelings of boredom. i look forward to the days that i see her, and on the days that i don't see her i look forward to night time, when we'll talk on the phone, usually for an hour or so. with her i've never felt like i've had to be more than me. i don't feel any pressure of any sort. i don't have the desire to stop seeing her, you know, before things get serious. running, fleeing; it's a feeling i've had in the past, and maybe it's because i wasn't dating the right person, or maybe it's because i don't have the best dating track record, or maybe it's just because i have a Y chromosome, but with [her], those feelings aren't there....after thinking for quite a bit, i think i may have grown up and i realize i have a good thing with her. and things are good. we have inside jokes. we talk a lot, and there isn't any pressure to find stuff to talk about. we laugh at each other. we have good chemistry."

good luck, you guys. xo, j

confusion sets in...

2006-10-08T21:08:00.000-07:00

i've somehow found myself in the middle of a peculiar dating phenomenon. guys in their early- to mid- to late 30's (32, 33, and 38 to be specific) who are anywhere from 4 months to 6 years out of an engagement or serious cohabitation situation who are really scared. afraid of committing (again), afraid of opening themselves up (again), afraid of letting their guard down (again). now mind you, i've pretty much disqualified one of these formerly engaged fellows due to an apparent gambling problem -- he left me (alone!) midway through a street festival to "check his bets." (um, can you say red flag?) another (also formerly engaged) fellow, whom i've written about many times, i've written off as far as anything serious goes because in 5 months of knowing me his party line on not wanting marriage or kids hasn't shifted a bit. but the most recent one, who i spent some time with this weekend, is the most confusing. from what i gather, he's about 4 mos out of a cohab. sweet guy, cute, funny, smart, tall, likes cool music and movies, etc. etc. wrote to me online. first date went well, second date went well, third date went great...but still no smooch or expression of interest other than wanting to hang out. which is cool, hanging out and getting to know someone is the right place to start. but i've been in more than one relationship where the physical part never materialized, though both of those fellows wanted to hang out all the time. this situation is looking a little too much like those situations, and i find it perplexing. is it a lack of attraction? is it a fear of getting involved/things becoming serious? is it a fear that i too will break up with/move out on/call off an engagement with them, so then it's self-protection? honestly, i don't know.

a very nice friend-of-a-friend in his late 30's once told me that men have two, maybe three good loves in their life -- that's all they can handle. that may well be true, and generally the type of guy i'm interested in has (hopefully!) had at least one serious relationship by the time he's thirty...thus, if he's single again, has experienced at least one Big Breakup. the other piece of advice he offered is that it takes a guy 6 months to fall in love, when it takes a woman about 6 dates. some may argue with that, but i think there's some truth to it. so if that is the case, i'm meeting appropriately aged men (say 32-40) who tend to be a bit gun shy due to prior experience...but what if i don't want to wait 6 months to see if they are going to come around? in general, i'm not a big subscriber of the whole "men are from mars women are from venus" type of thinking...i think men and women are more similar than different. yet these recent experiences are making me think women in their 30's may approach dating (or, specifically, the pursuit of a partner) very differently than men in their 30's. we know we are beginning to play russian roulette with our fertility; men believe they have until their 40's to really get serious about settling down. women in their 30's are less inhibited about sex and are more interested in it; guys in their 30's (for the most part) have a slightly decilining sex drive and are more reserved about getting in the sack with someone they might actually be interested in. (i do believe that where there are no stakes or low stakes, men and women in their 30's are just as likely to hop in the sack with each other -- the differential comes when there is potential, in my opinion.) so i don't know where that leaves me...for now it seems i'm in the strange situation where there is a desirable guy who wants to see me and/or talk to me every day but yet he doesn't seem to want to kiss me. hmmmm. i'm all for having friends of both sexes, and i have many and i love them. but at this point in my life, i'm not sure i'm trying to rack up a whole new set of male friends, especially ones i'm attracted to. but maybe that's just it. if i interact with these guys as friends, and then 6 months down the road one of them decides to fall in love with me (and i'm game), then maybe it's a matter of reaching the same end just doing so by different means.

or maybe it's just not this complicated and when i meet the "right" person and he thinks i'm great and i think he's great, all of this hyperanalytic nonsense can just be thrown out the window.

stay tuned.

the heart is a hungry hunter

2006-10-04T23:33:00.000-07:00

ok, random title, i know. but this evening i had the pleasure of driving (after a 10 hr day) about 1.5 hrs to lovely riverside, CA for a meeting tomorrow. as i was driving, i passed one of those Hungry Hunter restaurants, and i don't know if it is the Bruce Springsteen reference ("Everybody's got a hungry heart") or the Carson McCullers title ("The Heart is a Lonely Hunter"), but somehow i mashed these ideas together and made myself laugh in the car.

not much to report...been traveling a bit and working a lot...i have a date scheduled for this friday so we'll see how it goes.

~md

oh i just don't know

2006-09-16T12:11:00.000-07:00

hmmm. second date was OK. not great. not terrible. i just feel like at this point, if i'm not feeling pretty psyched after the second date, is it worth going much further? i'll have to think about it. the guy in question is away for a few days so i have some time. but my gut says...not so much.

~md

thought for the day #2...

2006-09-12T22:44:00.000-07:00

score one point (or 7?) for the guy who wants to hang out, drink beer, and make me laugh during monday night football. the play has been reviewed, and the guy who cited football as his excuse for not calling on sunday is now disqualified.

added points to mr. monday for calling tuesday to see if i am free on friday for date #2. (i said yes.)

ah, this dating stuff is nutty.

go eagles, and if they aren't playing, go chargers.

lame

2006-09-11T09:32:00.000-07:00

well, in some respects i was wrong. this appeared in my inbox late sunday evening:

Hey there,

I'm really sorry , I forgot to call you. I was watching football, and drinking beer, you know the rest. Hope your [visit with family] was good. I would still like to get a beer soon tho, if you want to.

Have a good work week, its back to the grind bright and early.

-K

Not sure this dude deserves a second chance...

hmmmm.

2006-09-10T18:49:00.000-07:00

is this blog possibly bad luck?

or have i (inadvertently) educated myself right out of san diego's dating pool?

time will tell, i suppose.

aaaarrrgghhh.

thought for the day...

2006-09-06T22:27:00.000-07:00

here it is...

there is nothing like a good first date to make you realize how rare good first dates actually are.

who knows what if anything may come of it, but my faith is (at least temporarily) restored.

blogging...it's good for ya

2006-09-01T20:52:00.000-07:00

i'm happy to see that a very good friend of mine (and one of my few faithful readers : ) appears to be back online.

he and i both have had some similar ups and downs in the world of dating of late.

i think having an outlet for one's thoughts, such as a blog, is a good thing for our mental health.

but i'm tired and feeling a bit lazy so instead of composing something new, i'm going to link to his latest post and share my response to it. enjoy!

~md

his post:
http://zombiesquirrels.blogspot.com/2006/08/farewell-my-lovely.html

my comment:

yay, you are back online! (i also followed the link from j*'s blog.)

since i've been on the east coast for the past week helping mom move from PA to NC, I've been thinking about this east coast-west coast thing. not to be self-aggrandizing, but i've definitely received more attention from males since i've been east. as i said to your sis, "i think we'd be hot here!" by which i meant that people on the east coast aren't "holding out" for the skinny but somehow large chested bikini-wearing so cal "ideal." not to say that's what all men want, but it is so visible in so cal and therefore might seem more attainable, whereas here people are more "real" it seems and less obsessed with body image. so i agree with you on that part.

i've always thought that going through difficult times make people stronger and more complex and while i think that holds most true for emotionally difficult times, i wouldn't be surprised if the same is true for all kinds of hard times, including harsh winters and humid summers. it almost seems silly to say that, but i think that many so cal folks often seem a bit "soft," particularly if they are from relatively privileged backgrounds. so you may be onto something there as well.

lastly -- trying to figure out if I understand the RDJr quote -- is he describing the west coast? if so, then it's lucky for you that a few of us normal girls let go enough to make it out here ; ).

xo j

alone again, naturally

2006-08-25T23:43:00.000-07:00

for some strange reason, my dad really liked that song in the 70's. sung by gilbert o'sullivan, a letterman-jacket wearing type of fellow. pretty depressing song but with a poppy tempo and catchy hook. thanks to the interwebs, i see it's about suicide, being left at the altar, heartbreak and death. sweet.

well, though i was never officially "not" alone, i have been spending time with a certain individual off and on for the past few months (see posts hmmmm and it's been a while for backstory)...all seems to have been going well -- we live our lives but hang out about once a week for dinner, maybe a glass of wine, sometimes other good things that flow from nice dinners and wine, all with the shared expectation that this too shall end as we don't want the same things right now. (i'm in the market for a partner, he's not sure he ever wants marriage or kids.) so i felt a bit blindsided when he essentially broke up with me tonight largely due to the fact of meeting someone that he'd rather pursue something with while i was out of town. huh?

maybe tomorrow this will make more sense to me. but my big question is this: if he knew all of this before our last encounter, why didn't he tell me? i'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt here, but i'm not sure he deserves it. and why did it take two awkward conversations for me to pull it out of him instead of him just being honest and upfront with me about it as he has been with every other issue we've discussed over the past three months?

ah well. c'est la vie. good thing i have awesome friends and family to help me think through this stuff and help restore to my face the warm smile i'm known for. am i disappointed, yes, but far from devastated...once again, it's time to move on.

mixed messages...

2006-08-14T23:25:00.000-07:00

From eHarmony to me:

Please be aware that in order to match with another eHarmony user, that user must specify 'Other' in their match preferences, or give no preference. While this is a highly personal choice for you, we do recommend that you consider identifying yourself as a specific ethnicity, especially if you find the number of matches you receive is limited.

From me to eHarmony:

I received an internal message from the site regarding my choice of ethnicity as "Other," saying that "we do recommend that you consider identifying yourself as a specific ethnicity, especially if you find the number of matches you receive is limited." I am a member of one of the fastest growing sectors of our population, that is, I am a biracial/interracial/mixed race person. I find it terribly restrictive that eHarmony will not let me choose more than one ethnicity, or if that makes the logarithm too complicated, that there is not an option for interracial/biracial/mixed. I don't think I should have to choose just one if that does not represent me. I know I can't be the only member with this concern.

-j

Ugh. I mean, even Yahoo has a category for interracial. Sheesh.

quick update

2006-08-11T00:35:00.000-07:00

well mr. "you never called me!" finally called me on thursday night.

do people still take that "three day rule" seriously?

had a nice conversation. we shall see if there is anything there.

meanwhile, enjoy my ADORABLE nephew. ~md

sometimes...

2006-08-08T19:55:00.000-07:00

...something is just so darn funny you have to post it. even if it has nothing to do with dating. so here, my friends, is something for the sole purpose of making you smile...

From McSweeney's:

P O S S I B L E F O L L O W - U P S O N G S
F O R O N E - H I T W O N D E R S .

BY JOHN MOE

- - - -

How Are We Going to Get These Dogs Back In?

Bust an Additional Move

Seriously, Eileen, Come On

(Won't You Give Me a Ride Home From) Funkytown?

Remember When You Lit Up My Life? That Was Great

I Will Now Pass the Dutchie Back to You and Thank You for Passing It to Me Originally Because I Really Enjoyed the Dutchie

The Morning That the Lights Came Back On in Georgia

Everybody Was Kung Fu Making Up

Achier Breakier Heart

Whoomp! There It Continues to Be

867-5309 extension 2

We Never Took It and Persist in Our Refusal to Take It

(is the last one "We're Not Gonna Take It?") - md

things that never happen

2006-08-07T07:10:00.000-07:00

ok, this is classic.

so after a rousing game of texas hold 'em with some very good friends on saturday night, i wasn't quite ready for the evening to be over yet. (i'm at the tail end of some much-needed vacation so i wanted to squeeze out as much fun as possible!) i decided to swing by our new favorite spot and see if there were any familiar faces...and of course there were. for better or for worse, it's nice to have a real neighborhood bar (it's like our version of cheers, except instead of Sam we get Leyton!). Anyway, I'm just reppin' PA as I am wont to do lately, and i feel a tap on my shoulder. i look over and see a familar face -- well, a face that was familiar a few weeks ago that i hadn't seen or thought of much since then...i.e., the last thought i had of said individual was "that f*er never called me back. didn't make him for a player. ah well, whatever." he looks me right in the eye and says "You! You! Unbelievable!" and I'm like, "huh?" so in retort, i say, "me?? I called you, just like I said I was going to, left a message for you with my number and you NEVER called me back!" he's all "no you didn't!" so i bust out the cell phone to show him -- here is your name, the number you gave me -- why would i still have it if i had no intention of calling you? he looks at the phone and smiles, a bit sheepishly. "um, that number is off by one digit."

HI-larious. how many times have i wondered, maybe he didn't call because he got hit by a bus/came down with pneumonia/he transposed digits in my phone number? 99% of the time those excuses are just that, excuses. but in this case, that actually happened! so funny. he even called me later that night just to verify that we had exchanged valid digits. who knows if this will lead anywhere, but it certainly makes for a good story.

slight retraction

2006-08-02T11:06:00.000-07:00

ok, after spending a few hours last night listening to/being inspired by/ogling this fellow, i'm not sure i'm 100% ready to relinquish my preference for tall, skinny, brown-haired white boys who are artists or musicians. whew. great show pete! and thanks to DT for being an excellent partner in crime (who i think also may have a secret man crush on PY : ).

sage advice

2006-08-01T20:21:00.000-07:00

just a quick one.

had a lengthy and much-needed conversation with my best friend (hereafter referred to as BF, and no, that does not mean boyfriend in my personal lexicon) today. she is amazing, brilliant, and wise beyond her years. i was reflecting on an experience in my not-too-distant past with a man my age who was super-intelligent, super-attractive, super-accomplished, and seemed to think i was pretty super. in the end, i may have made some less-than-great decisions in our brief time together, but he showered me with reassurances and promises to keep in contact. (he doesn't live in SD....but he works in my field so it is likely that our paths will cross again.) well, he has not held up his end of the deal at all. maybe i shouldn't have expected him to, but i still tend to give people who pass my bulls*it detector the benefit of the doubt. oh well. so i was reflecting upon/lamenting about said situation, saying, but he seemed so perfect for me...and she said "you know, sometimes the person you think is perfect for you really isn't." she immediately apologized for saying something that sounded overly simplistic, but i think she touched on something really important. we all create these ideas/ideals of the right person for us -- based on things like appearance, height/weight, level of education, desire for marriage/children or past experience with those, family background, race/ethnicity, etc. but perhaps those factors trip us up as often as they help us. maybe they are better thought of as guidelines rather than absolutes. (and believe me, i'm telling myself this as much as i'm telling anyone else!) i think i'm becoming more open-minded in regards to potential mates (i.e., they don't have to be tall, skinny, brown-haired white boys who are either artists/musicians or teachers...) and when i think of my friends who are in relationships most like the one i'd imagine would make me happy, their partners are indeed different from them or what i'd imagine would be their "perfect match" but somehow it still works. in several cases, really well. so that's my bit of wisdom for the day.

there was a spoof of the eHarmony tv ad on saturday night live a while back where the person basically got matched with him/herself but in the opposite gender (if that makes sense...). i think that's a good reminder that we aren't looking for an ideal, nor are we looking for our clone in the opposite gender. rather, someone whose shapes and contours fit with and complement ours, but aren't the mirror image.

p.s., sage is one of my BF's favorite colors. : )

i mean, really.

2006-07-31T10:52:00.000-07:00

is this what i think it is? a note from this fellow appeared in my yahoo personals inbox today. it says he has no children, so that's not his daughter; it says he's divorced, so it could be...

is it just me or is this not the wisest choice of photo?

yahoo personals haiku

2006-07-30T14:33:00.000-07:00

ok, maybe they don't conform to the 5-7-5 rule, but they have a certain poetic or haiku-like quality to them...enjoy!

In my own words

I love to have friends, I'm working in what i love, and enjoying life, I'm sure that always exist better things than bad thing, and will love to share it whit lot's of people i love.

In my own words

I speak little English. I would like to meet girls to speak English and to drink together something.Help to learn me the English.

In my own words

Looking for someone fun with love for life, can be cool in the sun and hot at night.
Ok with staying in to relax kick back snuggle love and know time close to each other. Always ready to get out and enjoy life, lil trips hot beach day or in the cool mountains not so faraway to spend a night to play then hold you tight.

THIS JUST IN:

In my own words

just want you so badly to do everything you have always wnted to do but were afraid to ask you f'n freak do u love thongs bongs and ding dongs

(huh???)

have i told you lately...

2006-07-27T22:24:00.000-07:00

...how much i f*in hate e-harmony?!?!?

after they send me a potentially promising match the day after my 6 month subscription expires (how convenient!), I go through four of their "stages of communication" with this guy (initiated by him), and today he "closes" on me. the reason? "other." so lame. not that i had my hopes up about this particular dude (as i told JS tonight, judging from the pictures, he may own a poodle, which could be a bit problematic for me. i mean, i love dogs...but a white poodle? sorry, i digress.)

perhaps my honest, candid responses rubbed him the wrong way. if so, that's just as well. but it's damn annoying that after now 7 months on that stupid site i haven't met a single person! they won't get any more of my money, no sir.

for what it's worth, these are the questions he posed (they have a list, though you can author your own if you like at this phase of communication) followed by my answers....

1. Looking back on your life, of what are you most proud?

In terms of an accomplishment, I'm most proud of the Ph.D. in Education Policy & Administration that I earned in September 2005. Getting that done took six years of intense focus and a fair amount of sacrifice. Personally, I'm most proud of the long-term friendships I've sustained -- I take friendship very seriously and have a number of great people who've been in my life for a decade or two.

2. They say life is about simple pleasures, what is your simplest pleasure, and how does it make you feel?

I love listening to music. Nothing can set a mood, improve my mood, or bring back good memories than music. I enjoy making compilation CDs for my friends, playlists for myself, or just putting the iPod on shuffle and seeing what comes out. (I enjoy folk, jazz, alt/indie rock, some world music, etc.) Other simple pleasures include smiling at people (I love when they smile back) and high threadcount sheets. : )

3. Describe your spirituality.

To be blunt, I'm rather skeptical of organized religion. But that doesn't mean I don't take spirituality seriously. I'm a strong believer in making the world a better place through daily actions. For me, that means working in a career that is directed toward a social cause (the improvement of public education), sharing kindness with others, and living with awareness (yoga helps with that). So while I don't go to church (if I did, perhaps it would be Unitarian, Friends, or a Buddhist temple) the development of a healthy inner life and knowledge of myself and what motivates me is really important.

clean up on aisle 9

2006-07-25T13:15:00.000-07:00

ah, lovely.

most women my age are having their first baby around this time....i have my first UTI.

damn.

to add insult to injury, the pharmacist at my neighborhood grocery/drug store is totally cute and single. and he knows WAY too much about me.

ah well.

i'm sure that just like these clouds and humidity, unusual in san diego this time of year, this too will clear up in a few days.

~md

waiting....

2006-07-20T15:40:00.000-07:00

so my potential e-harmony connection responded to my questions and i liked what he had to say. then we progressed to the next step in the process: "must haves/can't stands." i sent mine but haven't heard back in a few days....hmmm....

well here they are in case you are curious. i can't believe i've given them 7 months of my hard earned time and money and i haven't met a single person!!

You sent your Must Haves and Can't Stands on July 17 2006, 09:46AM PT

Must Haves:
*Intellect......*	I must have a partner who is bright and can share my understanding of the world as well as enjoy discussing important issues.
*Sense of Humor......*	I must have someone who is sharp and can enjoy the humorous side of life.
*Emotionally Healthy......*	I must have a partner who is emotionally healthy, and able to share a stable life with someone else.
*Family......*	I must have someone who shares my desire to have or adopt children.
*Tolerant......*	I must have a partner who is able to hear and appreciate divergent viewpoints.
*Self-Confident......*	I must have a partner who knows and believes in himself/herself throughout life's ups and downs.
*Communicator......*	I must have someone who is good at talking and listening.
*Emotionally Generous......*	I must have a partner who enjoys people and is generous with his or her compassion, attention, sympathies and love.
*Affectionate......*	I must have someone who is comfortable giving and receiving affection.
*Chemistry......*	I must feel deeply in love with and attracted to my partner.

Can't Stands:
*Anger......*	I can't stand someone who can't manage their anger, who yells, or bottles it up inside.
*Lying......*	I can't stand someone who lies to anyone-especially to me.
*Rude......*	I can't stand someone who is belittling, impatient or hateful to people in any situation.
*Extremely Shy......*	I can't stand someone who is so shy that they cannot open up and share with me.
*Poor Hygiene......*	I can't stand someone who is not clean.
*Racist......*	I can't stand someone who believes that any particular ethnic group to which they belong is superior to the rest of humanity.
*Cheating......*	I can't stand someone who takes advantage of people.
*Addictions......*	I can't stand someone who currently suffers from addictions.
*Infidelity......*	I can't stand someone who engages in sex outside a committed relationship.
*Pessimism......*	I can't stand someone who always sees the glass as half empty.

e-harmonizing

2006-07-14T18:58:00.000-07:00

my e-harmony 6 month trial expired on 7/12...i was happy to let it go by the wayside, but they sent me what appeared to be an intriguing match on the 13th. hmmm....i guess i'll give them three more months of my hard-earned cash. bastards.

at least said intriguing match initiated contact with me (sadly, i think the gender rules apply to e-harmony...communication i initiate never goes anywhere, but if i reply to a man initiating contact, it moves forward. hmmmm. so much for online dating leveling the playing field between men and women).

so here are the questions (they are pre-structured, of course) and my answers...wonder if it is off-putting that i wrote in all my responses instead of doing the multiple choice thing. must reflect my disdain for standardized tests! feel free to chime in on any of the questions...or my answers (the "E" response to each question is my self-composed reply). i'll keep you posted if i hear anything back...

1.	If you were taken by your date to a party where you knew no one, how would you respond? A) stay close to my date, letting him/her introduce me B) find a spot at the back bar and relax alone, letting him/her work the room C) strike out on my own, introducing myself and making friends D) I would ask my partner if I could skip this particular event E) although i'm far from socially clingy, i think in a new situation the first option might best describe me
2.	Your idea of adventure is: A) whitewater rafting B) karaoke singing C) trying a different route to work D) ordering a dish you've never tried before E) i took surfing lessons for my 33rd b-day last weekend, that seemed pretty adventurous to me! : )
3.	On Saturday night, would you rather go to: A) ballet/theater/symphony B) a professional sporting event C) a popular new movie D) the latest dance club E) an independent film, live music, or a great meal (or some combination thereof)
4.	Which sort of date sounds like the most fun to you? A) attend a lecture on a topic that appeals to both of you B) go bargain hunting at a local flea market or antique shop C) go bowling D) visit a local comedy club E) bowling can be fun, as can comedy...perhaps the more intellectual pursuit once i know the person a bit better
5.	Do you enjoy debating the issues of the day with your partner? A) I hate to debate about anything. B) Occasionally I don't mind a friendly debate, but I don't really enjoy it. C) As long as we don't get too intense, I enjoy a good discussion about general issues. D) I find it stimulating to debate various "issues of the day" with my partner and love it. E) i enjoy debate and consider myself politically aware, but i work in education reform so dealing with social issues on and off the clock all the time can get a little intense

you give me something to blog about....

2006-07-11T17:22:00.000-07:00

there is this great sad song by this canadian chanteuse named mary margaret o'hara called "to cry about," as in "you give me something to cry about," that i first heard on a compliation put together by the folks in everything but the girl. (fun fact -- she's the sister of Catherine O'Hara of Best in Show, etc.) i was going to write a post called "kinda like valentine's day" but the above title and then that song came to mind so i decided to stick with it.

i turned 33 today. that's the valentine's day reference. see, just as i blogged about in mid-Feb, with birthdays i usually will myself not to freak out, fixate on the fact that i'm still single and (insert age here), etc. and it's all good until i let my guard down for five minutes and then i start to feel it. a little sadness mixed with wistfulness mixed with "this isn't exactly what i expected my life to look like at this point in the game" mixed with my best effort at a self-pep-talk (but you have a great life! you have a freakin' PhD! you still get to hook up with random people if you want, unlike my dear friends and family who are legally bound to be physically intimate with only one person!). so that lovely game of ping-pong goes back and forth in my head for a while until i either pummel it into submission with a few beers or go to sleep.

perhaps that is part of the reason why i typically make a big production of the b-day. other than the fact that i think we should all celebrate the day we were brought into this world, i like to surround myself with friends as a reminder of all the great people in my life who love me (and the annual reunion aspect is great too now that our lives are getting more complicated and geographically spread out). thankfully, this year was no different -- i really appreciate my friends who shared the experience of surfing lessons with me this weekend! that fulfilled a "i have to do this at least once in my life" kind of feeling and was really fun at the same time.

so tonight a friend (the individual referenced in the 5/25 and 6/27 posts) is taking me to dinner. nice that a great guy is taking me out to dinner on my birthday; unfortunate that said great guy is not on the same page with me in terms of what he wants in his life.

as i keep telling myself, remain optimistic, you never know what (or who) lies around the corner...i just hope it doesn't take him another whole year to get here. ; )

all quiet on the dating front...

2006-07-05T23:17:00.000-07:00

i apologize to my (probably few at this point) faithful readers for my lack of posts of late...not much to report i guess.

though i did stumble across this WINNING photo on Yahoo personals, thought I'd share. maybe this works for some women...i'm just not one of them. ; ) -j